


Amnesiac

by janazza



Category: Tokyo Ghoul
Genre: Alienation, Amnesia, Bullying, Coffee, Coffee Shops, Dreams and Nightmares, Family Drama, Flashbacks, Flowers, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Friendship, Ghouls, Humor, Hurt/Comfort, Illness, Memories, Nutella, One-Shots, Some dark themes, Trauma, amnesiac, centipedes, finger cracking, mama haise, quinx squad - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-03-30
Updated: 2017-11-24
Packaged: 2018-03-20 09:00:07
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 29
Words: 65,734
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3644418
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/janazza/pseuds/janazza
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Haise may not be able to remember the people, but he does remember the feeling. Some things just feel right, these little habits or scenes-- But he just can't put his finger on it.</p><p>In other words, a series of one-shots and short stories about the things that still make him Kaneki.</p><p>On indefinite hiatus.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Haircuts

"So did you bleach it like that?"

Haise turned rather quickly when he realized it was Saiko's voice. He'd been in the kitchen prepping a meal for the Quinx the next day since he'd be away for a meeting that required him to travel to another district. Not even hearing her walk in to the kitchen, Haise nearly dropped the entire deep dish of lasagna. "I'm sorry, what?"

"Your hair." Saiko sat at the kitchen table with her head on the table. Her bangs came down slightly in front of her eyes, so she blew on them. Of course, her eyes weren't on Haise, but on her gaming. Whatever compelled her to come downstairs is beyond him. "It's a cool hairstyle, kind of like some of the characters in this game I got."

Smiling, Haise said, "You really aught to let me try out a few of those games. Some of the more action packed ones. But my hair isn't bleached."

"So Antoinette syndrome?"

"I guess you could say that." In truth, Haise didn't know. He remembered it used to be completely white when working with CCG and soon the black roots started to show. Akira said it wasn't bleached, too.

"You might want to darken it. You'd look scary like Mr. Arima with it all white. I've been thinking of doing streaks - Maybe put black underneath."

"That'd look pretty."

She snorted and set down her game, putting her hand through her bangs. " _Pretty?_ "

Rolling his eyes, Haise set the lasagna in the fridge and wrote down instructions to cook it. "A man can say pretty, can't he?"

"Definitely, especially you. It's  _very manly_  that Maman can say it with that face."

He laughed as he moved over to the table and watched Saiko pull her bangs out of her face once more. "You could use a haircut. That could hinder a mission."

"I'll see if Akira will do it later."

"I could just do it," offered Haise. He'd read a few books here and there about hair, mostly to figure out what was so unique about his own, but he still picked up a few tricks- Or at least he could cut bangs without Saiko wanting to murder him.

Saiko eye-balled him. " _You can do hair too?"_  she asked rather disturbed. "Is there anything you can't do that's considered feminine?"

"Sewing," he said simply as he started feeling the ends of her hair. They were extremely dry, too." Akira made fun of me when I wore this shirt where I had to put back on the buttons. Let's just say it wasn't a straight job. Hang on, I'll grab some stuff and we can cut your hair."

* * *

When Shirazu and Tooru came back from grocery shopping, they really weren't expecting anyone to be downstairs let alone the neet and their mentor in the kitchen. They couldn't even remember the last time Saiko had willingly remained downstairs with them during their off hours. But there they were: Saiko sat silently on a stool aimed towards the TV with Haise behind her with a pair of scissors in one hand and a brush in the other silently trimming her ends. The bizarre sight was enough to stop Shirazu in his tracks and force Tooru to run into him.

The scene seemed so mundane, as if they weren't a squad of orphans. The amount of care Haise took in ensuring he didn't pull was almost motherly- delicate and swift. It's homely, like this is what other families would be doing on their days' off. Saiko laughed as a contestant on a show tripped off of this race course and cheered on for someone else as Haise grinned along with her but never taking his eyes off his work.

Haise didn't even bat an eye at them, even when Tooru dropped a package of coffee and instead simply said a greeting. Pulling back her hair with the brush, he quickly went to work snipping the ends. With ease, Haise cut her hair with the same skill as a stylist: quick and accurate.

It wasn't until Saiko gave her hello with bright eyes he never noticed before that Shirazu came out of his trance. "Haise what exactly did you do before joining CCG?"

"Maman was probably a stay at home mom."

"Says the one who's at the mercy of my scissors," said Haise playfully.

She grinned. "You wouldn't dare."

"Anyone else in need of a trim," he continued on as he brushed her hair out once more and checking it's length. "I think you're set."

"Thanks, Maman! It's Ginshi's turn!" Before Shirazu even knew what was happening, the food was ripped from his hands and was in the stool staring at the TV.

_Snip._

Oh god. They actually did it. He reached up and-

"I'm going to kill you!" Saiko made a mad dash for the back door with scissors still in hand and a demon on her tail.

"Mutsuki?" Not having moved away from his spot, with groceries still in hand, he finally put his attention back onto his mentor. "Need a trim?" He smiled pleasantly and waved towards the stool. "I'm pretty good at bobs."

When Mutsuki paused, Haise almost thought he'd say no, but then he said though shyly, "As long as Saiko promises not to do anything."

Laughing, sometimes Haise wondered what he was doing with all these people once Tooru set the groceries on the table and sat in front of him. Honestly, when it came down to it, they were a bunch of misfits from different wards. And yet- yet there they were in the same chateau. Each accepted the surgery. No one could go back and rejoin society, Haise knew. And while things seemed impossible at first, thinking they could never work together, each of them surprised him.

His little family really surprised him.

* * *

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Due to the lack of works about Haise and his family, I have taken it upon my self to put my headcanons, fluff, and angst in a collection. Due to your responses, each chapter can be treated as separate or a story. I'm still not sure if it'd be easier just writing what I want or to just make this an actual story.
> 
> Anyways, each chapter will have a different prompt (like finger cracking). If you have any suggestions, feel free to leave a comment and I'll make sure to mention you.


	2. Finger Cracking

At a distance he heard the first crack. Sometimes Tooru wished he bought a pair of headphones, too.

_Crack._

Books were pleasant but too quiet. He  _really_ didn't want to read his adventure novel with that sound in mind.

 _Pop_. Oh god, that was closer. Though he wanted to say something, Tooru kept his mouth shut.

_Crick._

"Shirazu, if you don't stop- I swear to god, I'll just cut off your fingers." And there went Urie.

Shrugging, Shirazu took his fist in his other hand and popped all the fingers together in which Tooru shivered.

In spite of the teeth clenching noise, Saiko didn't stir from her place on the couch. Only did Shirazu's  _pestering_  break through her soft snoring.

It takes a lot to get all four of the Quinx together when its not work related, and they  _really_  didn't need someone to draw everyone away. Oh and there goes, Kuki with that glare again.

_Pop._

You see, this is when Tooru usually would come to his senses and leave the room or at least get Haise's attention, but of course their leader was gone for some meeting across the wards.

"You guys. . ." Tooru stopped once their stares fixated on him. "Sh-Should we order food?" His hopes for changing the subject went in vain.

"I'm just trying out Sassan's little habit."  _Creak._  "He's been doing it more often, don't you think?"

Tooru's sigh was enough of an answer. They'd all seen it. "It's not our place Ginshi."

"So you've seen it, too?"

Urie scoffed, "How couldn't we?"

Frowning, Mutsuki spoke, "We really shouldn't be talking about this behind his back."

"Does that mean you consider it a problem?" Shirazu assumed.

"Wh-No. It's just Hai-"

"It's not normal. He'd never done it before until we went up against Serpent, who he just so happened to know before the CCG." Letting out a little steam on Mutsuki, Shirazu suddenly backed off. He hadn't realized he'd even got off the couch and towards Mutsuki until his little burst. "I'm sorry. I'm just worried for him."

Watching him take his seat again, Mutsuki hesitated before adding, "We all are."

"Have you seen the way Akira watches him?"

And in fact, he did. Like Shirazu, he'd been watching over all of them the past month. In that fight against Serpent, Haise showed a side they never witnessed before- this sheer rage focused on nothing more than its target. That speed and strength. With the pop of a finger, Haise's entire attitude changed. No longer did he gaze at the people around at the time as friends or family, but. . . would it be wrong to say food? Like a ghoul who hasn't eaten and then goes on a frenzy and taking down anything that stood too close.

And even after Serpent left-

"I get it, Ginshi"

"It's a sign from his past life, don't you think? He's remembering, and when he does, it won't be Pappa Haise and the kids anymore. He'd likely leave to go back to his old family-"

Mutsuki nearly crawled out of his own skin at the sudden series of popping and creaking of Saiko's back as she stretched from her place on the couch. Yawning loudly, she looked at them lazily. "Maman always means well. He cooks for us," she paused for another audible yawn, "protects us. He's worried, too."

That stopped Shirazu in his tracks. "I'm not trying to bash Sassan. You know I wouldn't do that. It's just- I- I want him to be okay, okay?" The room remained silent which only led to Shirazu blushing. What broke the silence of all things was the crinkling of tin foil in the kitchen. Urie, preheated the oven and set the deep dish of lasagna in the oven then went back to his book, leaning against the counter. "Urie? What do you think?"

He didn't even look up from his book. "Honestly, whatever Mado and the other members are worried about, it would have happened by now." Taking that into consideration, Shirazu succumbed to his thoughts which Urie always considered slightly dangerous. As much as they hate each other, Urie had a point, but that didn't stop the nagging feeling the finger cracking wasn't a good sign. It'd been explained to them- the amnesia- by both Akira and Haise not long after the Torso Serpent incident. With the incident came permanent changes.

Does the little habit, Shirazu wondered, mean Haise's remembering? And if that's the case, what would become of the Quinx squad?

* * *

Dropping his bags next to the chateau's front door with a sigh of relief. There was a crick in his neck from the hotel's bed, and he skipped a shower that morning only wanting to get home. God, that means writing reports and gathering info for whatever Akira wants when she isn't threatening to punch him. Leaning against the door, he contemplated procrastinating a bit more. It wasn't like the Quinx needed any-

"Sassan!" The force knocked him into the door as arms held in a bear lock. Then there were calls of "Maman" and "Teacher" beyond the amount of hair in his face. Suddenly, Shirazu retracted looking slightly panicked and scratching the back of his head.

"Aww, Shizu missed you so much!" Saiko took her chance to hug Haise though more gently.

Mutsuki waited his turn patiently though waited for Haise to initiate the hug first. "We all did."

Once the three allowed him to move away from the door, Haise realized the change of air. The slight mumbled conversing behind him didn't help either, but he chose to stall before figuring whatever it was they probably broke. He started laundry, made some coffee, all the while the three watched and talked and kept saying "get it over with, Shizu." If he seriously crashed his bike-

"Sassan," he started once the other two pushed him forward. Haise took a sip. "I wanted to talk to you- about something."

All Haise really wanted was a nap, yet he smiled. "Sure, just us to or . . ?" The two scrammed before he could finish.  _Please don't let him have hit a building._

Shirazu realized too late his back was gone. "Don't mind them. They're just being weird." Haise nodded, and Shirazu leant against the counter. "I wanted to ask about something I noticed about you."

"What?" As much as Haise was relieved he didn't have to make any apologies to whoever could fall victim to Shirazu's antics, he for sure didn't expect this.

_Pop._

Oh.

"You do it a lot when you think too much but only after Serpent." Haise really didn't where he was going with this. It was an odd habit for sure, but he truthfully doesn't realize he's doing it. "Did you used to do it? Y'know, before the CCG?"

He shrugged. "Good question. I guess, maybe. It feels natural, kind of like when you tap your foot if you sit for too long. It just happens."

Nodding, Shirazu rubbed his arm. "Does this mean you're remembering?"

"I'm sorry, Ginshi, but what is the purpose of this?"

"Are you leaving?"

A pause. "Wait, what?"

"If you're memory comes back, will you leave?" Shirazu stared intently, searching for the answer he so desperately didn't want to hear, almost frantic. "If you leave, what will become of us? I mean, look at us: a pack of misfit kids. The CCG won't take to kindly to us. We probably wouldn't stay together as a squad since Akira can't handle all of us. And Saiko would whine over having to do work and call 'maman' all the time. No one can tolerate Urie except y-"

Laughter. Haise was  _laughing._

"What's so funny? I'm being serious, Sassan. We don't want you to go."

"What even made you think I'd leave? Who would save you from a Saiko with scissors if not me?" Slowly, Haise gained back his composure. "I'm not going anywhere."

From the hallway, two heads peaked from behind the corner. "Maman won't leave?" She quickly ran to her mentor as he opened up his arms welcoming her.

"You're stuck with me."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Since finger cracking is so iconic, I figured I'd just get it over with but of course in (I hope) a unique way.
> 
> As of the moment, I'm choosing to ignore the NutCracker case until Ishida Sui finishes the arc just to make it easier for everyone (and myself) from writing something that would require the auction to end in a certain way to work. This also means I'm ignoring any interactions between squad members in the club when looking for NutCracker.
> 
> The plan is to update over a 1,000 word stories every 5-6 days. This is for my own sake, especially since there's so many different testing and projects/papers/exams that will be coming up. Please bear with me.
> 
> Again, please leave a comment even if you want to say "Your Mom" or whatever. If you have suggestions for later chapters, feel free to suggest it.


	3. Centipedes Pt 1

He wouldn't deny they're loud or obnoxious. He most definitely wouldn't deny they're ignorant. But that doesn't mean he wouldn't stand beside them. In fact, it made it all the more easy to be around them with their constant jibberish. They're familiar- normal, human. In truth, they're more than he could ever ask for.

But sometimes, though hardly ever, something happens that just wasn't controlled correctly, and it's not their fault ever in Haise's eyes. If only he remembered, he'd know why these things happen. It wasn't even all that bad, really. It's just that Haise's little "incident" likely scared them more than it should. Then again, he probably would've acted the same.

* * *

"First of all, Shirazu, I don't make that face. Only a nitwit could pull that off."

The said boy let go of his face. "Exactly, but at least Tooru laughed." And indeed he did though trying his best to hide it which to Shirazue was an invitation to find something else to make him laugh. Usually on their off hours, Shirazu spent his time making up jokes or simple pranks, finding ways to annoy Urie without Haise's scolding (which wouldn't happen unless bones were broken). "Hey, why don't we all head out to the park?"

"Or not?"

"There's Re: to eat at."

"You'd just hit on the waitress," Mitsuki commented bluntly, turning red when both Urie and Shirazu looked.

"Okay. Prank Saiko?"

Urie scoffed. "She's too easy. Even I know that, and I don't even participate in your petty pranks."

"You see, this is why we're friends."

Urie then put on the usual  _Just remember the promotion_  face in which the others rolled their eyes. "How about you try Sasaki?"

"Do you want me to be skinned alive?"

"Is it wrong to say yes? But Sasaki doesn't have a mean bone in his body. Or at least not towards us," he added.

"First of all," Haise started, walking into the room, we have a meeting to go to. And Second. . . "He paused to throw Shirazu his coat. "That mean bone just may show one day."

Seeing Haise's grin alone was enough to shut him up the whole ride to the CCG.

* * *

"Thanks again for treating us to dinner."

"Of course. You all did wonderful."

The squad including mentor finally made it back to the chateau around 7 o'clock after finishing some debriefing with Associate Special Class Suzuya and Hanbee about a case only handled the day before by the squad. All went smoothly, and discussions for improvements and accomplishments went underway. Finally, the squad, after Haise treated them to lunch, reached the chateau with Saiko having been leaning against Tooru for support the last three blocks. Her stamina only lasted for so long.

Once the front door swung open, Saiko headed to her room as expected. Having finished his report the night before in record time, Haise unceremoniously made a beeline for the couch and turned on some soap opera. None of the Quinx really knew. Things remained casual. Tooru read a book he borrowed from Akira, and the two other trouble makers plotted to murder each other in the kitchen-nothing new. He sighed, but more of a pleasantly calm breath rather than  _trying_  to calm down. Things seemed okay albeit Serpent. The mission yesterday hopefully restored any faith they have lost in him, though he feared Tooru remained weary. Besides that, even Akira seemed convinced the past was behind him, and he did too.

So lost in his own thoughts he didn't realize the lack of arguing or the steps going towards him, or Tooru's frantic silent waving to stop the person from doing what was about set off a rather significant event. It wasn't until the cold, slimy, salivated finger touched his ear that Haise's mind went elsewhere. He may have screamed, but his attention was elsewhere. His mind went to  _that room._

He just wanted it  _out,_  but it only crawled farther in with its 42 legs.  _He could feel it's antenna feel at his brain._

_It itches so bad. Soon it'll bite._

Falling to the cold, checker tiled floor, Kaneki cried to  _just get it out._  The couch no longer existed nor the chateau. Instead there was that  _goddamned chair and the tin buckets filled with fingers, his fingers._ And the blood. So much blood pumping and replacing only to be lost once more.

He wanted to the centipede out before it ate at his brain. He wanted to stop the pain he knew would come, but he  _just can't get his fingers in deep enough to reach it._  God dammit, please, please just-almost. Stop it. He hit the side of his head with his palms, knowing if he looked his fingers were all gone. Stop it!

And it bit.

_It hurts. It hurts. It hurts._

It was no use. His body shaked, and he held the sides of his head while on his bed, curling into himself.

_Please, just get it out. Now. Please. Banjou-san._

He knew he was crying, and he was alone. Banjou wouldn't save him. No, he was going to rot in that chair.

_GET IT OUT._

Why won't they save him. He can't breathe.

 _Just let me die,_  he'd told the man who laughed, feeling his humid breath on the back of his neck. _Just let me die. Let me die. Let me-_

". . . Haise. . ."

He-he new that voice.  _Save me Banj-_

"HAISE!"

Oh. Shirazu. Shirazu likes to call him Sassan. Th-they-.

He opened his blood-shot eyes then, on the floor curled into a ball clutching at his ears still. The wooden floor. No tiles. No chair. The chair isn't here. No blood. No buckets.

And the centipede. He couldn't feel it, which meant he was either numb from how much it ate of his brain. . . or it wasn't real.  _Please let it not have been real._  He still didn't let go.

". . . called Akira. She'll be here soon, okay? Just focus on me." Shirazu knelt in front of him beside the couch appearing panicked, though Haise couldn't be too sure as his vision blurred in and out, and nothing would sit still. Then again, his body's trembling wasn't helping.  _I'm fine,_  he told himself. Hesitantly, Haise removed a hand that felt as heavy as led from the side of his head and pulling the blanket farther around himself though unknowing  _when_  the blanket appeared around his shoulders. He just couldn't stop shaking.

Haise nearly flinch when a careful hand placed itself on his shoulder meant for comfort. Though knowing he should shove the person off, it felt  _comforting._  Still shaking, he leaned into the simple touch. Haise heard their murmuring, though only so much seemed to translate into actual words.

" . . . so sorry." Shirazu, again.

". . . safe. . . " Tooru, maybe? Thinking alone made his head pound.  _Not from the centipede._  "No . . . hurt you."

He tried to nod in confirmation he at least heard some of it, but movement felt like  _so much._  When he opened his mouth, nothing came out but a croak. He really was screaming. He tried again though in a whisper. "S-sorry."

"Don't be," Urie commented from behind him. "Shirazu just doesn't understand boundaries."

"Hey, how was I supposed to-"

"Enough. Maman, can you hear me?" Saiko. Even she came down from her room for him. When he slowly nodded once comprehending her words."Can you move?" He didn't even shake his head, simply closed his eyes and tried to control his shaking. Hearing the slam of the front door and a quick word from Urie, he knew Akira arrived. She told them to leave, go out to lunch but not say anything to anyone.

Haise nearly cried when the hand left his shoulder. Now came the interrogation.

* * *

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So yah, this is the idea I chickened out of last time, and now you can see why it may be a bit harder to write. Plus, it was meant to be a lot darker where Haise would attack one of them in blind fear/rage. Anyways, there will be a part 2.
> 
> By the way, the full version of the opening to Tokyo Ghoul Root A "Munou" is finally out and is beautifully wonderful. I suggest you listen to it and the full version of the ending ("Kisetsu wa tsugitsugi shindeiku" by Amazarashi) as well. :)
> 
> Please leave a comment!


	4. Centipedes Pt 2

"What is your name?" Those were her first words to him, taking a seat on the couch whiled he laid still in a ball on the ground beside it.

While he knew his name, it still to him a moment to form the words around the lump in his throat. "Haise Sasaki." With her presence, he began the process of recovering himself, starting with the crying and shaking, though he kept the blanket up to his chin.

"Do you trust me?" Feeling her eyes on the back of his head, Haise nodded.

"Yes." No hesitation.

She sighed, hopefully in relief, maybe acknowledging she wouldn't need to take any drastic measures as Haise remained in control. "Can you explain why I got a call right at the end of my shift from a panicking Urie? How does one even make  _Urie Kuki_  panic?" She meant to keep the tone light for his own sake, he knew, yet he didn't laugh, couldn't laugh- not after what just happened.

"Scared them."

"Were they hurt?"

". . . No. I don't think so. Just scared them." She hummed in understanding, remaining silent for him to explain. "Memory, I think. It was . . . triggered. Shirazu- all he did was touch my ear." When Akira once more said nothing, he knew he surprised her. It meant the file didn't exist, and Akira especially spent hours reviewing his file in case of signs he was reverting back to the cruel, power-hungry ghoul once more.

"Can you recall this memory for me in detail?"

And so went the investigation. Haise retraced rather distantly the flashback, holding down any emotions when recalling the laughter-no, mocking-as he struggled. From the moment he started speaking, he mentally erased the names from his recalling. Kaneki, Serpent called him that. And Banjou,. . . something mentally warned him never to repeat it, not to Akira or the Quinx.

All he knew was anything he ever had with the Quinx had just shattered.

* * *

Once Akira managed to get him on the couch, she headed to his room and packed a bag, then led him with bag in hand to the car. It'd only been a short drive, but Haise managed to have fallen asleep before they even reached Arima's apartment. Not wishing to bother some necessary sleep, Akira knocked on the door and waited, looking at her watch. It was 7:15 by the time the two finished talking. The Quinx never arrived back at the chateau in the duration of the little interrogation, and Akira was rather relieved. They didn't need to see their mentor like that.

Arima opened the door only after a few moments, staring blankly as always until realizing just who it was. He didn't have to hold himself so formally. With out a word, Akira moved to the side, allowing him access to the sleeping Haise. Within moment, Arima was opening the car door and lifting Haise to bring into the house. All seemed too quiet for anyone on the outside, but this was their usual. Holding the door open, Akira let the two pass through so as to place Haise on the couch in the living room. Haise didn't stir. "Explain."

* * *

"They don't hate you."

"Akira."

"Just listen, they're doing great in training. All of them want to become stronger-"

"Because they're scared now, right?" Haise interrupted, keeping his eyes on the glass of water as he curled even tighter in the temporary bed in the temporary room. Soon, he may just end up in Cochlea.

"You know that' s not true."

He almost laughed. "Just think: They finally are the seeing the mental diversity of ghouls and humans. They saw just how quickly we slip from reality, how sick we-"

"Didn't you tell me you are human?"

He paused, tugging at a loose strand in his sweater. "I did. I-. . . I'm starting to understand: the anger, the caution everyone has towards me."

She huffed beside him yet kept her face calm. "I don't believe you know what you're saying, Sasaki. You've been my ally, a friend, and your saying none of that matters? I should have just stabbed you in the back when you weren't looking? I don't believe that." She stood from her seat. "I don't hate you, so stop thinking like that, 'kay? In times like this, we all look towards that level-headed Haise Sasaki. They need you, and you know it."

Haise had nothing more to say, and apparently neither did Akira. She left soon after to meet the Quinx while Haise distracted himself from anything but the kids.

* * *

Haise finished his temporary leave after four days. In that time, Akira oversaw the Quinx' training and overall played mother. While Akira managed his usual duties, Haise took the suggest break and mentally wind down, speaking with Arima with whatever he needed as he knew nothing could be kept form him. When it came down to confronting the Quinx, . . . he hesitated.

While he knew the "accident" should't get to him, he feared their thoughts of him. In a sense, he was a liability. His little accident proved something that seemed so simple could render him useless in let's say a fight. Not only that, but . . . their faces said enough. They were terrified of him, and, in truth, Haise didn't blame them.

Whether he wanted to go back or not, Akira drove him back to the chateau discussing in a one-sided conversation how well the four were doing on their training. The squad wouldn't be assigned to a new case until next week to ensure Haise's safety along with the Quinx. It wasn't that they didn't  _trust him_ , or at least those were their words, they just wanted to ensure his memories wouldn't jeopardize a case.

This time, Haise carried his own bag and stood on his own too feet in spite of his fatigue. The time off meant very little in truth. He only spent his nights overthinking into the early morning until exhaustion over came him. He wanted sleep, one not plagued with dreams and other hims and the Quinx dead at his feet and Arima refusing to kill him in spite of everything. What his mother, wherever she was out there, think if she realize her son was a monster?

 _Stop it._  With reluctance, he took his steps towards the front door with Akira waiting patiently near the entrance. He wondered if they fared well with him gone. Did life continue without Haise, or were they too shocked to do anything?- Not that he'd blame them either way. There was some chance they'd reject him entirely, maybe not unlock the front door to spite their mentor. That. . . He really wanted his books before that and the drawing from Urie, and the book Mutsuki bought him for his birthday, and the game from Saiko, and Shirazu's posters when he concluded Haise's room as just too bare. He wanted the little things before they rejected him entirely.

But again, these kids didn't need a monster playing parent for them. They need something better like Akira, something-

"SASSAN, YOU ASSHOLE!"

Haise didn't even defend himself though braced for the quinque that would land the blow. And yet, it never came. Instead, the young man like a freight train rammed into the waiting Haise, wrapping arms quickly around his mentor. "You scared the hell out of us and you just leave without saying goodbye!?" Letting go, he actually pushed his mentor at his shoulders. "You are forbidden to just disappear off the face of the earth. Even Akira wouldn't say anything, and we saw her everyday!"

Very little registered into words at that point for the half-ghoul. Everything didn't make sense about Shirazu's reaction to seeing him, except maybe the push. But then why was Shirazu cryin-

"Maman!" Then came the same cycle, though she held tighter, whimpering into his chest. "We thought you left for good. Are your memories completely back? Did you want to rejoin them?" Her shoulders shook, yet she didn't let go. Why-he didn't get it. . . Why wasn't she afraid? He didn't understand. They had him on RC suppressants, so some of it just wasn't clear.

Laughing, Akira, pulled the girl off of him and dragged him by the hand into the chateau, calling out, "He's home!" Then came from the kitchen Tooru and Urie in a heartbeat, smiling. Urie smiling. Now, that's a feet. He also held something in his hands.

A cup of coffee filled to the brim, yet none had spilt.

He might have teared up, and possibly Akira excused it as an effect to the suppressants. By then, Haise didn't mind. He took the couple graciously, choking out a thank you where ever he could. A few told him to hush and another led him to the couch. Then came the blanket again. If they didn't already see him as weak minded, then now- _No, not weak,_  he chided himself.  _It has nothing to do with you being weak._  Haise couldn't stop smiling.

They didn't reject him. They weren't afraid or angry, and that's more than he could ever ask for.

Feeling like such a child, the Quinx coddled over him pleasantly, and Akira left them to their own devices after smiling at the sight of the five trying to share a couch and catch Haise up on a soap opera. Her work there was done. Silently, on her tread back to the car, she hoped to herself Haise never would fall into that depression again. While she knew the ridiculousness of the request to gods that likely don't exist, she wanted this little family to last.

Of course, this little family would only survive for as long as Haise Sasaki remained as only Haise Sasaki.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey, look, more OOC Shirazu. (I'm so sorry) OTL
> 
> Inspiration to story: my own hate for people touching or whisper near my ear. I absolutely hate it.
> 
> I hope to incorporate Arima and Akira into more of this series, so that's why there is this random gentle moment with Arima carrying Haise.
> 
> I'm just going to say now that I purposely ignore Urie usually because of my own despise towards him. Ever since he made the comment that led Haise to crying in his room, I've been unable to stand him. While I know that I shouldn't, since he's actually very similar to Kaneki, I will only respect him if he doesn't completely screw up at the auction in the manga.
> 
> Thank you so much for the comments. I hope you continue to do so, and feel free to point out things you think are completely out of character/incorrect/terrible grammar mistakes.


	5. Movie Night

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You knew there had to be a movie night :)

It wasn't even Haise's suggestion. Instead, Akira proposed since she'd had to spend so much time with the Quinx that it'd be nice to do something involving her and Arima in the Squad (also to keep track on Haise, but no one would say that aloud). Either way, the two invited themselves Saturday for dinner and a movie.

And that is how Urie ended up sitting two seats down from his opportunity to get a good word with the CCG: Arima Kishou

This would be the first time Arima had come to the chateau with Urie here, and honestly he didn't know what to think. This guy, allegedly CCG's greatest investigator, wanted a movie night with his pupil and said pupil's squad along with Akira. It more of felt as though the grandparents had come to visit. Arima had the hair for it anyways, and Akira-nope, don't go there.

"So tell me," Haise started, folding his hands around a cup of coffee, "what exactly are we watching tonight, guys?"

"Horror" said Urie as another suggested, "Fast & Furious," "Howl's Moving Castle" by Saiko, and so forth. Shirazu glared at Urie for suggesting horror, while Tooru took a sip of his cup, hating to have been sat between them.

"How about a comedy?" proposed Akira.

Saiko perked up. "Rom-Com?"

"No Rom-Com, please. Don't listen to her." Shirazu would do anything, but allowing Saiko to watch a romcom would be only however many minutes of torture. "In fact, nothing in romance genre."

"Not even Princess Bride?" Tooru questioned nearly in a mumble.

"Princess Bride?!" Saiko almost stood from her chair before remembering they had guest. "We should watch that!"

Shirazu groaned. "You watched that, what, a week ago?"

"Muu-chan wants to watch it, and so do I. Anyone else?" She held her own hand and Tooru's as well in the air to count their votes. Grinning, Haise rose his hand, joining the kid's antics. Both Urie and Shirazu folded their arms and stared blankly.

All eyes were on Arima and Akira by then. "What is Princess Bride about?" asked Arima. That was all they needed for the final vote. She gaped at her superior as if he'd grown a head in the span of a second. "You're joking right? Arima, that's-Arima! That's a movie everyone has seen at least  _once,_  and you-its a right of passage-really- kids!" She turned back Saiko and Tooru. "Turn on Princess Bride so we can educate this guy." The two didn't even let her finish before they'd headed for the living room to find it in their movie collection.

Urie sighed, glancing at Arima who's demeanor didn't change until he went for a sip of his tea. Behind his cup, he smiled.

This guy made absolutely no sense.

* * *

When Urie noticed the open seat next to Arima, he didn't hesitate to take it. They took the couch closest to the kitchen, off to the side. Akira and Haise sat together As the other three quinx chose to sit at their feet to be closer to the TV. Arima said nothing to Urie's choice of seating and waited patiently-or is it that nothing ever interest him so he just stopped caring-for the beginning credits to roll. "Urie Kuki."

Urie remained stubbornly silent for a moment then thought better of it. He needed to make an impression. "Arima Kishou, sir."

"Have you seen this movie?"

"Y-yes?"

"Good, You're going to explain when I get lost."

"You, getting lost on a film? The top investigator?"

"Human, Urie." That's something anyone, whether they knew Arima personally or not, couldn't imagine very well. It's amazing Akira is able to handle him. Then again, she's mastered the "bitchface," too. The movie started, and Haise stood to make popcorn. "Why exactly is her name buttercup?"

"How should I know? I've only ever seen this once." As soon as he started to slouch, Urie sprung back up. It may be his home, but- p _romotion, promotion, think of the promotion._  He tried to answer Arima's questions, keeping up the chatter at hushed tones. Everyone but Arima and Urie cited in unison the "My name is Inigo Montoya" scene by the time Urie gained enough assurance to ask his question. "So, Mr. Kishou-"

"Arima."

"-Arima, when did you start training to be an investigator."

"Too young."

"That had to be some intense training though."

"Indeed. I wouldn't recommend ever doing what I did."

"Why is that?" Urie asked as he took a bucket of popcorn from Shirazu, with much reluctance from Shirazu, and began eating.

"Same reason Haise refused to let you open the next gate to your kagune."

He dug through the bowl to find the kernels and popped them one by one in his mouth. Of course Arima knew about the surgery. "I had to do something or I'd never be strong enough and get a promotion."

"Ah, to join the S3? They'll tear you to pieces in more ways than one."

He choked. At the noise, Haise stood to get a glass of water.

"Urie, I see what you're doing: trying to figure out my 'secret to success,' some pointers of how to become stronger and quicker. Fortunately, I don't blame you. I once craved power just like you, and there's only one outcome. Both Haise and I are perfect examples, and I'd hope you'd recognize that. And yet, you haven't stopped." He paused to grab a handful of popcorn from the bowl Urie discarded. "Do you even remember what it is that drove you to become stronger, to rise in ranks?"

In spite of knowing it to a rhetorical question, Urie opened his mouth, speaking a little too loudly. "Of course I do, and that is for me to-"

In the span of the conversation, only then did Arima look at him. "Are you sure? Based off of your actions, it appears you're working in the opposite direction of that goal."

He opened his mouth again only to close it himself. Akira had glared for them to shut up, and Haise returned with the water. God, he wanted to punch Arima. One day. One day he'll show him.

Arime spoke quieter this time. "Haise wouldn't admit this to you guys, but he remembers pieces."

"My name is Inigo Montoya," Saiko and Tooru chanted. "You killed my father. Prepare to die." Inigo dropped again, and they repeated once more along with Shirazu and Akira. "My name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die!"

"He's afraid one day you'll be as mindless as he once was. If you don't watch your step, you'll end up just like centipede: desperate. He's actually not that far off."

"MY NAME IS INIGO MONTOYA AND YOU KILLED MY FATHER. PREPARE TO DIE!"

"I get it!" Ure scoffed, replying to both the squad's antics and arima's message.

* * *

Not so long after a round of questions to ensure Arima had been actually paying attention to the movie, which he answered all correctly, Akira hugged the Quinx, and Arima shook hands once receiving a few recommended books from Haise. Urie nearly declined the outstretched hand but corrected himself last minute. In the moment, while Arima would later deny it, Urie could have sworn the corner of his lips perked up. They left with Arima's "you're good kids. Stay out of trouble" shit.

Things went back as they were: Saiko and Shirazu bickering, Tooru perfecting his skill of ignoring, and Haise smiling and pretending everything to be perfect. It all was too mundane for Urie in some ways. After all, a club of freaks acting as family? Half-ghoul leader renowned as the prize from the Anteiku Raid, and four kids that no one wanted? Don't make him laugh.

And yet, Arima's words broke through that train of thought. " _You'll end up just like centipede:_

 _"Desperate_." He tried to imagine that mindlessness. Haise? No. The guy may be a bit of a joke, but he wasn't weak like that. And yet. . . He watched Haise as he picked up pieces of popcorn, carrying bowls and drinks only then phased Urie. Haise constructed a shaky illusion around himself, playing house with the Quinx, calling Akira mom half-jokingly, looking for approval from Arima like a father. And with the Serpent incident, the flashbacks, he was terrified it was all falling apart.

He should have realized this sooner. It was then Urie understood his mentor had always been a desperate, lonesome coward.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Expect less updates within the next two weeks due to SBAC and AP testing. Please forgive me, love you all.
> 
> As "movie night" prompts are so common in fandoms, I hoped that bringing in Urie's annoying promotion seeking attitude mixed it up a bit. (What am I even doing, putting the two characters I can't help but slightly hate together?) OTL The movie suggestions were whatever I could come up with (I've never seen Fast&Furious, and never will. And I have only seen Princess Bride once but remember the amount of crap I got for saying that in 8th grade).
> 
> PS: I still hate Urie, so sorry if those that are more neutral or sympathetic to him that think he's OOC. I tried, but it's easier to throw him under the bus. However, I do understand he's a complex character that I can't simply say "he's an ass" and ignore. He may end up being the most important.


	6. Hidden Language of Flowers

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Prompt: Shopping. (requested by MemoriesOfRain on AO3, though I probably completely butchered their idea and will likely do another chapter.)

"Meat. Meat. Meat."

"No."

It'd been Tooru's idea to get something for Akira's birthday. Leaving a cranky Urie at home who rebelled at all cost not to go (Haise assumed it's because she can match his glare), the other Quinx and mentor found themselves in town. Mentally, Haise noted never to let Saiko leave for the market without eating first.

"Please, just a little something," she begged as they passed a bar&grill.

Shirazu sighed. "No. We're here for Akira. Besides we might need the money for what we're getting her."

"Are you saying you won't let me eat because of your infatuation?" This only brought the man to growl and banter back. "All we bought was fruit and vegetable. Honestly, Maman, even humans like meat, too."

Haise laughed at her simple joke. These days, the ghoul thing didn't get to him like it once did, especially if it's from them. "Maybe later we can go back to the market and buy something."

"We haven't had bacon in a while for breakfast. Maybe Akira would like bacon for breakfast too?"

"We're not going to bring her food in the morning," Shirazu cut in. "'Sides, doesn't she wake up at, like, 4am? Girl's crazy sometimes."

Rolling his eyes, Tooru glanced at the shops as they passed. Haise made plenty of suggestions that he'd immediately taken back. Kitchenware? Nope, she hardly cooked anyways. Earrings? Were her ears even pierced? So many suggestions and so few possible solutions. Why were women so hard to shop for? A necklace would get in the way. Besides, she already wore a cross all the time tucked into her shirt. Would she wear a sweater? What color? The three Quinx knew Haise now to be a lost cause for gifting and ignored him.

"We could just do, y'know, a bouquet and chocolate?"

Shirazu snorted. "It's not Valentine's, Tooru. And it's gotta be something that she can actually keep and use."

Haise agreed, pausing in front of a flower shop. "Though a bouquet is still a nice touch. C'mon." It sat on the corner of a main street, though few people walked pass. At the door opening, a bell chimed and the four were encased in earth and sweet scents.

A florist walked from the back room in heels far to tall, yet her steps didn't falter. How women could wear those death traps everyday, Haise would never know. "Good morning, dears," greeted the woman over the click of her heels. "Anything in particular you're looking?"

Tooru replied, "Just something for a good friend."

"Oh, how sweet. What's the occasion?"

"Birthday," Saiko chirped. "Maman is rather clueless on what to get her, too."

She nodded along as Saiko explained their poor situation, eyeing the young Haise. "Well, I'm sure your maman cares very much for her?" Saiko answered for Haise with a nod. Before Haise could explain, the florist went on, leading Saiko with a hand. "We have a wonderful selection. After Mother's Day, us florist have come up with some great new ideas to put on display, mixing and matching colors and meanings. We can put together the perfect bouquet for this Maman's love-"

"Hold on!" Haise turned an unhealthy shade a red going on purple. "It's not like that. She's more of a mom to all of us than anything."

The florist halted as the Quinx snickered behind their hands. "Oh! Oh, don't mind me, I'm just fantasizing too much." She laughed. "But we can build up your bouquet just the way you want with the hidden language of flowers for this 'friend.'" She dragged on with Shirazu in tow who didn't seem to know what to do in the situation. It didn't help with his little crush on Akira in spite of age. "In spite of the shops size, we have a wide variety and can also ship in whatever isn't in stock. Feel free to look around, everyone."

Tooru thought for a moment before suggesting, "Maybe we could each choose a a type of flower that means something us, or our just our favorites."

"That's a great idea!" Saiko pulled the boy by the arm in search of her flower. "I want winter cherries for me."

Tooru eyed her confused. "Physalis Alkekengi? Like the ones from the Bon Festivals?"

"Yep, they're said to hold spirits of those that are lost. It's really sweet when you think about it."

"'xcept she's not dying."

"Whatever, Ginshi. What would you get her then?"

"Roses?"

The florist snorted unprofessionally. "I'm sorry," she covered her smile. "Is this really just a friend? Anyways, what kind of roses?" She smiled all too much for a person who wears so much dark clothing, Shirazu thought. The only color to her was her red hair.

"Uh, red? What else is there?"

Of all the people to answer, Haise quickly piped up. "Tea, red, white, Christmas, moss, yellow, peach, lavender, black. . . " He stopped when he noticed their stares in awe. "What?"

"You never told us you were so obsessed with flowers," Shirazu commented. "How long have you been keeping this secret?"

Tooru laughed. "That explains the new bouquet every week on the kitchen table," At his mentor's face, he added, "It's not a bad thing when you got Ginshi skipping showers after training."

"Hey!-"

"So that's what I've been smelling" Saiko asked, holding her nose. "His sweaty socks?"

"But I-"

"I think I'm going to get her calla lilies."

"Beauty and youth? Excellent choice." The florist added. "If I may, I could add a few other flowers to balance the colors a bit. Simply maintain its . . . togetherness."

"What about Urie?"

"Something black like his soul."

"Saiko!"

"It's true!" Saiko picked the first dark flower she found. "This one."

"A bat orchid," explained the florist. "Unusual yet beautiful in their own way. But maybe you should choose, cosmos? They smell like vanillla and chocolate."

"Oh, can we put those in the house, Maman?"

Haise didn't hear her. They'd only then realized their mentor had fallen behind and was in another corner of the shop, rubbing a blood red petal between his fingers, petals that extended out along with the filaments in a spider-like manor. One would swear the flower was drenched in blood to hold such a shade of red.

"Spider-lilies" the florist replied to his silent question, standing beside him with a hand on his shoulder. "I wouldn't get these for you friend. It's more a flower to put on graves. They're highly poisonous, so it keeps away animals from a grave."

"And lost bonds." Haise added grimly. He didn't know where the knowledge came from, yet it flooded his mind. The meadow of white carnations, drenched in blood and spun into spider lilies. A woman's maniacal grin focused on him as if he were a prize. . . But she was beautiful-he wouldn't deny that. "It's believed when a person leaves you to never be seen again, a trail of spider lilies grow on their path."

She moved closer, nearly whispering in his ear. "Have you ever lost anyone?"

He didn't answer and instead looked at her. She smiled pleasantly with red lips that matched her hair. Her eyes reminded him of other girl. She seemed so out of place in that simple flower shop as if meant for a life a greater luxury. He wondered if he'd ever been a part of a life like that.

Toor watched his mentor's face before turning back to the flowers. "They're beautiful, though."

He nodded. "Yah." Reverting his attention from the bloody flowers to something more kinder. He pulled from it's corner of the display a few sweet osmanthus. Nobility, he knew though it felt far more significant than say the spider lilies. It made his head ache. "Y'know," he started, smiling past the pulsing in his head. "We could find a gift that incorporates all of us."

"What do you mean?" Shirazu asked.

"Well. . . "

* * *

Akira spent her morning of June 6th like any other: snoozing her alarm a few times, feeding her cat, reading the new while eating cereal-normal stuff. In full honesty, she expected nothing when she reached her office. The front desk didn't say anything and neither did Hanbee as they passed each other, only returning her greeting. But once she opened the door to her office, she knew Haise didn't forget.

There sat a bouquet in a vase of purple calla lilies and yellow sweet olives and black cosmos, orange paper lanterns, green ferns and white carnations with a batch of tea roses. Just by looking at the flowers, she knew exactly who chose what. Beside the vase sat a rather small, simple white box compared to the sporadic colors of flowers. Sitting at her desk, she read the note from under the box.

It read in Haise's swift cursive:

_To a mentor, friend, and motherly figure,  
_ _Thank you for everything you do. Keep up the good work, and maybe we could all do something this week?  
_ _From the Quinx Squad._

She opened the box with ease yet had to set it down at the overwhelming feeling in her chest. Treating it like glass, she picked up the charm bracelet, smiling nonetheless. They were all there on the little bracelet, and she laughed at their choice of charms. A light blue game controller with diamon buttons for the keypads, a purple cookie with opal chocolate chips (she guessed Urie didn't have a choice on the charm). Then there was a yellow motor bike and a green book. Last but not least, grinning at the reference, was a charm of a bird entirely black about to leave its perch from the top of a bird cage. The quinx' charms brought all smiles to her face. The fact they considered her anything meant more than they'd likely ever understand.

She must have looked stupid smiling so much in front of her co-workers as she passed them, but she was just so  _happy_. By the end of the day, with a single winter cherry flower in hand, she drove to see her father, placing the flower beside his tombstone. She'd say the reason she teared was because the smiling pained her jaw later on, but in that moment, she was just content to know she wasn't without family.

"I hope I made you proud, Dad."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> What a lovely florist.
> 
> Physalis Alkekengi are my personal favorites. They're also called "Paper lanterns" because the petals's papery texture and they never separate, and when the flower starts to die, you can see the cherry inside surrounded by the skeleton of the petals. They're also used as sedatives and antiseptics.
> 
> Cosmos really do smell like chocolate :)
> 
> Carnations, spider lilies, and sweet olives have come up multiple times in Tokyo Ghoul. Sweet olives/Osmanthus Fragrans share the same kanji as Kaneki Ken
> 
> Haise means wren, which is a small bird.
> 
> I know the chapter is a little weird, but I really just wanted to talk about flowers. Oh, but have you guys seen some of Ishida Sui's art? I mean, he did a quick picture that he painted with Haise buying meat, and you just have Saiko in the back going "meat, meat," and Haise just tells her to hush XD He's such a wonderful artist and mangaku
> 
> Please, please leave a comment/review. Love you all!


	7. Kenopsia

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Prompt by Lipid Creeper on Fanfiction (however, this is only a part of the whole idea).

Where was rain when you needed it? It felt like the sun was punishing him more than anything.

He didn't know what compelled him, but he left the ward, walking aimlessly, searching for something. For what, god only knew. He simply felt. . . quiet, yet crowded. It was as if there was a force all around him, yet no one stood near him. Feeling cold but constricted by his clothes. Itchy everywhere, watching his back for something to end the oddity. Maybe paranoid was a better word for it.

Arima agreed he was safe again. Nothing happened for some time now, and no more spits of memory hit him anymore. To many, that's progress, and yet. . . Haise felt the emptiness like he'd loss the whole world. Nineteen years gone, and that actually disgusted him, in spite of Akira saying some of it wasn't all that great. When they identified as Kaneki Ken, they did everything they could to get a hold of information on their new "project." Dental records, family history, healthcare, education-anything that could explain his existence. Of course, Haise Sasaki would never see this entire file, to ensure he didn't try to seek out those he once knew like family. Then again, it may just be better that they assume him dead than know he became a ghoul ironically working for the CCG.

Even with that being the case, could he not at least be given the knowledge that someone once cared for him? That those nineteen years weren't just a waste? In spite of Akira's few hints that his human life still wasn't as pretty as most, that it would hurt less knowing, he  _just needed something._

He missed the rain over the summer heat.

His feet ached from the amount of walking, and that's when he took into consideration just how many hours he'd been walking, and not at a human rate for that matter. If he weren't a ghoul, he'd expect himself to be drenched in sweat. It wasn't until a sudden head ache pulsed at his temples that he stopped, standing in front of double doors. He stepped back to read the sign of the rather large building, and disturbingly, he'd guessed the name correct before even blocking out the blistering sun to read it.

Kamii University. How did he even get this far on campus without realizing it?

His head throbbed once more before he decided he aught to call a cab, pulling out his phone as he searched for a student store or coffee shop to sit at. With his head, everything rushed by rather quickly-the people and words on signs, though the layout didn't surprise in spite of only ever being at the CCG's campus. With ease, he walked into the closest coffee shop with the sweat aroma of a fresh brew greeting him at the main door. Thank god for air conditioning.

He dialed the number again. Coffee shops and more coffee shops. Of the few things he understood about himself, he'd always been attracted to them. People, mostly teen these days, shuffling about, talking for hours at booths. Some come to a certain shop so many times, the barristas knew them by name as they ordered the same thing as always. And soon, they fade out just like the others.

No one answered his call, and all he wanted to do was go back to bed at that point. Is that too much to ask? Well, he  _was_  the idiot to wander miles on end in the summer heat. The Quinx were probably worrying by now-

He nearly jumped out of his godforsaken shoes at the hand that touched his shoulder.

"Oh, sorry!"

"No, your're fine . . . " He faced the young girl's smile, her eyes searching his face. In an instant, even though only seeing her once, he recognized her. "Say, you wouldn't happen to work at :Re in the 5th ward, would you?"

"Indeed, I do." She pulled her hair out of her eyes. "What brings you to too the 20th?"

"Oh-uh, I've just been wandering."

Heat rose to his cheeks as she hesitated. "You look tired. Maybe you'd like to get a coffee and talk?" He prayed to whatever god there was that she didn't see just how hot he felt. Too aware of himself to talk, he nodded more rigorous than necessary. But despite his awkwardness, her smile only seemed to deepen.

"I don't think I ever caught your name."

He felt so stupid when she paused once more, eyes widening slightly for only a moment. If he hadn't been looking for it, he wouldn't have noticed it, as it vanished almost instantly behind her smile. "Touka."

* * *

Once ordering their drinks and heading out, Haise knew just where Touka was taking him.

They took refuge from the sun's rays at a bench beneath a rather old and wide oak tree with a comfortable distance between them, observing passerby like students playing Frisbee, moms with their kids-mundane things Haise vaguely knew. He knew the sun and the games, but not the people or their laughter. It. . . felt wrong.

But that was fine, he'd told himself.

"So, Mr. Sasaki-"

"Just Haise is fine. No need for such formalities."

She cocked her head to the side. "But aren't you with the CCG?"

"Well, yes, but that doesn't mean I'm any higher than another person." He sipped at his coffee, realizing his stupidity of buying a hot drink on with the sun already beating down on him. "Y'know, you're probably the only other person I've met who likes their coffee black."

"Why add sugar and cream when you can add shots?"

"Fare enough. So, you have friends here at Kamii?"

She nodded, taking a sip from her own cup and focusing on the sea of blue above without out a single patch of white to disturb it. She seemed so at peace. "It's more of I used to have a friend here. He graduated, but sometimes we just meet here and talk."

Oddly, Haise felt dread at this other person. "Boyfriend?"

"Oh, no. No. We just shared a friend in common." Her laugh nearly broke him.

He hummed then took a sip of his coffee only to realize how rude he may seem.

She instead decided to turn the question on him. "What about yourself? It's a bit far from the first ward." Hearing Haise's laugh, she went on, though smiling just as before. "I'm serious. What brought you out here looking so gloomy? It doesn't fit your face."

He could agree with that. He shrugged his shoulders. "Searching for something. I don't know what." Haise scratched at his chin. "Just having the usual mid-life crisis. But it's not much to concern with."

"Ah." Haise never considered himself great with body language. that was Akira's specialty that still to this day made no sense for him. And yet, he caught the lack of lines by her eyes. He'd upset her and yet didn't know how. Why didn't he even choose to get coffee? This is so bad. Were his ears tinted red or his whole face? At this point, he just prayed she'd still let him to go inside :Re. "You sound like me just a few months ago."

"Yah?"

"Yah. I could have hurt a lot of people, but I have good people around me. You seem to also-those kids. Siblings?"

"More like my kids at this point," he grinned. "They've been good to me after everything."

"Everything?"

Haise realized he said too much and shut his mouth.

The girl sighed. "Sorry. Didn't mean to pry-"

"Oh, no, you're fine," he said quickly, waving his hands and nearly spilling his coffee. "It's just been a long few years."

"Is you're family around?"

"I-" he winced. "No. I don't know where they are really." He didn't know people in spite of how terrible he wished he knew. At times, he knew places, could name them, could tell their layout. . . And yet he can't remember mother's name.

Touka nodded, watching as a car slowed to a stop on the street not too far from them. "And there's my ride. Do you want a lift?"

"I'm fine, thank you." The two watched one another for a moment, trying to understand the other. "Travel safely."

She started her tread towards the waiting car only to stop. Haise stood, planning to head his own way. "You know, if you ever need anything or just want to talk, I get off work early Wednesday through Friday. Maybe even talk about those 'long years.'"

"That-That'd be great. Thank you."

"I'll see you." She headed off to the car with that other :Re employee in the driver seat Haise had seen before. They left without as much as looking back.

* * *

He left happier than he was before.

Though knowing they were going in similar directions, Haise was glad he didn't have to embarrass himself anymore in one day in front of Touka. And so instead he watched familiar lights blur past and body-shaped blurs with no names never turn their heads. To him, the ward felt invaded by something foreign, as he knew the architecture but not the organism.

But with that in mind, out of all the things in ward, Touka- Touka felt right in that place, like she belonged there. He could see her there, in the summer or winter, even in the rain, drinking her coffee with the same smile, watching the unfamiliars bustle about.

_Stop smiling, Haise._

Once paying the rather angry taxi driver (he  _did_  have to pass through a few wards), Haise headed towards the familiar chateau, greeted by familiar people and setting. Things there made sense.

In the safety of his room, it began to rain for Haise but not from the sky, and it certainly felt good.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy Birthday to me! I'm only 17! I ask for nothing, except review please! OTL What am I doing with my life?
> 
> Kenopsia: the eeriness of a place left behind
> 
> Inspired by the Youtube channel "The Dictionary of Obscure Sorrows" and their video "Kenopsia: The Eeriness of Places Left Behind."
> 
> Also inspired by lipid creeper who left a wonderful idea for this series. This will have multiple "parts" but will not be labeled as part 1,2,3. It'll be more like every other chapter or less moving closer and closer to this idea. It'll be explained in time.
> 
> Surprisingly, "Passerby" is the plural form. . .
> 
> And please do not expect an update until probably May 8th. Thank you, love u guys


	8. Copy Cats Pt 1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry for my absence. All AP testing is done, and now I can focus again!
> 
> This prompt is from Insanity Under the Moonlight on Fanfiction (or part will be)

Only three weeks after furthering their investigations did they finally have their confrontation with Chopper: A middle-aged man, white haired, sickly pale and in a scarlet suit with matching tie. Mutsuki silently prayed the color wasn't from the amount of blood. There was  _so much blood._

_Ginshi? Kuki?_

Just whose it was, he didn't know-didn't  _want_ to know. He would retch all over himself if only he could only get some air in him.

_Breathe. That's what Haise says. Just breathe._

The foot's pressure only increased on his ribs.  _Crack._

_I can't breathe._

* * *

**3 Weeks Prior**

Once placing the profile in front the Quinx, Akira began explaining the situation. "We've identified him as Chopper from the 11th ward, believed to be a part of Aogiri Tree and was sighted four days in the 13th ward."

"Pretty ballsy for acting so close to the 4th and 3rd."

Akira rolled her eyes at Shirazu's choice of words. "Indeed. Victims were both human and ghoul, often found with missing phalanges from both the hands and feet. Four different woman reported him carrying an axe in the latest sightings."

Saiko smashed a few buttons before commenting carelessly, "Hmm, we should watch Friday the 13th later-"

"Yonebayashi. Respect."

"Sorry." She put away her DS. "But really, this guy sounds like a copy cat of some movie villain. He even has the hockey mask."

"He dresses rather nicely." Haise stared intently at the few blurred images they had of 'Chopper,' probably all taken on phones. "It does seem more theatrical."

Urie picked at his nails, appearing uninterested in spite the others knowing he was absorbing every detail. "Like he  _really is_  playing a character. One he made up or is copying."

"Exactly," said Akira. "It's starting to feel more like a publicity stunt than a ghoul feeding himself or just playing with his prey. He isn't caring that there's people video taping while he kills."

For the first time in Akira's debriefing, Mutsuki spoke up. "Those that were video taping. . . Did they survive or was the footage retrieved later?"

"Almost all escaped but are in intense psychiatric care as of the moment. Even those from over five years ago when he first started his 'career.'" Akira remained serious and distant with her words.

"And why haven't we heard of him until now?" asked Shirazu.

"He went into hiding three years ago. All the killings suddenly stopped."

The team remained quiet for a moment until Urie finally spoke. "So he wants an audience then-a big comeback. He's being careless, playing up this 'character' of his. This might be easier than I originally thought."

* * *

**Present**

God dammit Urie. The plan arrived far too quickly for any of them, but if Urie was right, Chopper would move on to the next ward, and then the next-until he found what he was looking for. Lucky them. What Chopper wanted  _was_  in the 13th ward at the time. Rushing meant sloppiness. They had no chance.

And Urie still ran ahead with the plan, and in the pouring rain especially. Chopper chose the perfect place: an auditorium only a month ago burnt down. Half of the roof had collapsed, warping and tinting the rows' and stage's wood to a sickly green.

This wasn't how it was supposed to go, with Saiko thrown out through the torn ceiling and Urie clutching the end of his right wrist where his hand should have been. But as much as Haise screamed for him to find Shirazu, the stubborn kid stood there behind Chopper and Mutsuki, looking for an opportunity.

But he knew-God, he knew-it wouldn't go well. He should have spoken up as their mentor, as their overseer, as their caretaker, as-as-What would Akira say when they don't come home?

_Stop it. She'll be here soon._

"Kaneki! Brother! Look what I caught for us!" Chopper cheered behind his hockey mask at center stage, adding pressure over Mutsuki's chest, who lied in a pool dyed red by his own blood.

Haise felt sick.

"I've been trying to find you, brother! Naki got too boring. He's already a broken toy, so now I'm here!" Though it was dark, he waved around Tsunagi, Shirazu's quinque, in greeting, yet the owner of the quinque was out of sight. "We've never played before, have we? Brother Yamo told me about you before, y'know, you spilled his guts. But no matter!"

Things went to shit  _way_  too quickly. He needed to act now but, he feared, that would mean using his kagune. Having lost Yukimura 1/3 rather early in the fight, Haise had been working with just his hands. He sucked in a breath. "Chopper," he addressed. "Release my subordinate, and we can 'play.'" If Haise was going to full on fight, Mutsuki needed to be as far away as possible to avoid risk if Haise goes beserk.

The masked man laughed. "I don't believe you~!"  _Crack._  "Can it count? It looks like it can count." Taking his foot off of the smaller boy to lean in closer to Mutsuki's face, Haise saw his chance. Acting quick, he rushed to man, spinning two of his kagunes in front of him in a spiral and crashing into Chopper at a speed unteachable. Chopper let it happen. He knew Chopper wasn't stupid. Plus, Haise  _knew_  it was a stupid, desperate move before Chopper even released his own kagune. Before Haise had even reached him, Chooper's own kagune, a koukaku that wrapped around his arm, pierced through Haise's eye as the two impacted and tumbled to the ground. Neither ghoul screamed, not even when they pulled each other's kagune out of the other.

Haise jumped back, nearly slipping in Mutsuki's blood.

"You're gonna have to try a bit harder to break me, kenny." The masked man bellowed, leaning on his kagune. "Ken Ken Ken." The man bowed. "The shows finally starting. The hero verses the villain." He rose just as Haise got Mutsuki to his feet. "Let us play."

* * *

"Haise Sasaki, come in!" Akira practically shouted into her radio far too many times over a five minute time span. Whether shit had hit the fan or not, Urie will be on probation after his little stunt. Having lied to his superiors, planning behind his mentor's back-Hell, Akira at this point could murder him over the potential danger his peers were thrown in along with him.

"Screw it. Mado squad, we're heading out immediately! Call for Arima squad to meet us in the 13th ward ASAP."

If only she'd realized sooner what Urie was planning, if she'd stopped them earlier to, or had headed to the auditorium sooner, she could have saved them from a lot of damage they will never heal from.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I made the assumption Kaneki and Naki aren't the only ones to survive Yomori/Oomori (which one is the 'proper' English spelling?). And watching Yamori's own transformation after his torture from his time in the detention center (from the tortured to the sadistic torturer), there must be others under Yamori who didn't come out the same (if he had let them live). From torture, Naki became hyperemotional (he views lonliness as the most painful thing (ToT) ), and Kaneki emotionally distant (even more than he was before). As for Yamori, he became what he hated and really embraced what happened to him. . .
> 
> Anyways, this is only part 1. It may seem a little rushed and crazy, and I'm sorry. My brain is a bit fried (I'll fix it later. . . after I sleep).
> 
> Expect an update within 5 days. Thank you and please review!


	9. Copy Cats Pt 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For those like me and forget:  
> Ukaku: Shoulder/upper back; "Feathery;" able to shoot at enemies (Shirazu)  
> Koukaku: Upper back; "sword" or branching limbs that are the hardest (Urie)  
> Rinkaku: Small of back; tentacle appearance; great at both off/def (Kaneki; Saiko)  
> Bikaku : Lower back; more defensive (Mutsuki)

**Amnesiac**

_**Copy Cat Pt 2** _

" . . N-Nine hundred and . . . fifty-eight." A choked sob. " Nine. . . Hun - nine hundred and fifty-one."

* * *

**Before Encounter with Chopper**

"No!"

"Keep it down, you idiot."

"I'm not going behind Sasan's back, Urie, and neither will Tooru or Saiko."

"First of all," started Urie, "I'm helping with the case in the best way possible. If we don't do something soon, Chopper's going to move to a new ward. Who knows how many more he's going to kill by the time Mado and Sasaki pull their heads out of their asses and formulate a plan. We've made  _no_  progress."

Shirazu scoffed. "And you think you have it all figured out?"

"Actually, yes. Basing the distance of the kills and the peculiarity of his 'theatrical' personality, I think I know where to find him."

"I think you're an idiot."

"Shut up and listen. If I-we-can get in there in a place he thinks he's safe, where his guard is  _down_ , we could take him out before he even knows what hit 'em."

"Urie," Shirazu pinched the bridge of his nose, squinting his eyes. "You'll be the reason Haise dies so young at the amount of stress you put him through."

"Good. Are you in?"

"And if I say no?"

"I'll go by myself and take all the credit."

"And get yourself killed. . ." He sighed. "Better save you from having your ego deflated. I'm in."

* * *

That mask. . .

"Stop popping your fingers."

"Sorry. Nervous habit."

Spending overtime in Akira's office discussing the case on a Friday without even the Quinx wasn't really what Haise wanted to do. However, something continued to irk him, pulling strings and connecting them to vague ideas, some sensations (and not pleasant ones). Feeling uncomfortable to voice his issue in front of his squad, he stalled as much as possible, making up an excuse of "organizing files" to get rid of the younger members. Saiko left without a second glance, not wanting to get caught up in more work. Urie and Shirazu had been acting suspiciously and left with Urie tugging the other behind him while Mutsuki offered to help only for Haise to decline.

But now that he had the opportunity, Haise felt as if there were balls of cotton in his mouth. The words wouldn't formulate, and thinking about it, the mask, made him feel. . . disgusting, like it effected him on a greater level than it should. Nonetheless, if he didn't say anything, Akira would.

"Akira, have you ever seen another ghoul with this mask?" Haise asked. A simple question, though Akira halted in putting away a file in the cabinet. With every second she remained quiet, Haise's dread rose to the surface. She studied him for some time before placing the folder in its proper place.

"Actually, yes." Closing the top cabinet drawer, she opened the bottom one, digging through for some time before pulling another manila folder. "Jason. I can't believe I didn't put the two together sooner."

"Jason," he tried the name on his tongue.

"Infamous in the 13th ward until his death approximately three to four years ago."

"And is now Suzuya's quinque." When she nodded, he added as an afterthought, "I always found his a little terrifying."

Once more, she nodded. "Haise, is there anything you remember prior to three years ago?"

Always so blunt. "I don't know," he shrugged and cracked a finger before remembering Akira's order. "Not really, I guess. I mean, nothing has really  _triggered_  anything like memories or visions. . . Should their be?"

"Not that I know of, Sasaki."

"Okay." He settled the profile of Chopper and Jason beside each other, glaring back and forth at the eye sockets, their eyes shadowed from their masks. He felt uneasy, but that wasn't really unusual, especially against a ghoul at this level. "What was Jason's real name? I can't find it in here."

"When we found him without his mask, his face was too mutilated to get a proper ID."

"Oh." He cracked his index finger.

* * *

**Present at the Auditorium**

Shirazu  _really_  didn't like being bit in the shoulder and being tossed around like a rag doll  _by his shoulder._  "Urie." He picked himself carefully out of the rubble of a collapsed pillar, thanking god the whole roof hadn't collapsed on top of him. The wound in his shoulder already began to close. "You better not be dead yet, cause I'm gonna-" he paused and ducked his head just as Haise was swung over him. But unlike Shirazu, Haise stuck the landing. For only an instant before Haise moved again, Shirazu saw the blood pouring from his eye and nearly choked. His mentor made a dash as the Ukaku shards embedded themselves into the pillars

Two different kagunes. . . Great.

At the edge of the stage stood the SS rated ghoul, Chopper, chuckling to himself as Urie moved, clutching at his hand, in Chopper's blind spot towards Mutsuki. . . who wasn't moving.

"Shizu." Nearly jumping out of his skin, he found Saiko crouched beside him. "Wait for the time to move to Mutsuki." Quickly, she moved behind a line of seats, watching cautiously for Chopper. They didn't even have to look over to find him. His constant shrieked laughter allowed the two ghouls to pinpoint him with ease- still a giggling mess shooting for their Mentor. And then he turned his back. "Now." She didn't wait to see if he was following and ran for the stage.

They'd just reached the stage when Chopper turned, but before he could aim his Ukaku, with her hammer-shaped kagune, Saiko aimed for his head. Shirazu never feared Saiko, nor saw her as a threat. But in that moment, with fire in her eyes, he understood how she took first in the Quinx Aptitude test.

While his mask fell off and his jaw fell so far out of its socket that the skin around the cheeks tore, he snapped back all to quickly grinning far to widely. He licked from the open space of his torn left cheek and to the far right, tasting his own blood before the skin could start knitting back together. In those moments, her own blood turned cold, and things moved all so fast yet too slow as she watched him pop his jaw back into place and surge towards her.

His eyes - scleras with that ever present smile. He rose his hands for her neck -

If it wasn't for Tsunagi piercing the man's throat, Saiko figured she'd never get to say goodbye to her brother and apologies for leaving him with their mother.

Hands pulled her away from the blood then soaking the floor before the man pulled the quinque from its place embedded in his windpipe with ease. In moments the wound knitted together but not before a rinkaku could pierce through his skull, Haise scowling behind him. Saiko decided in spite of their mentor's sweet smile, his glares were something she never wanted directed towards her.

"Get Mutsuki out and wait for back up. Go."

They didn't have to be told twice, gathering their quinque weapons and the boys bringing Mutsuki to his feet.

"This fight has always been between you and me, Chopper."

With a rinkaku still piercing his stomach, the man only smiled wickedly out of Haise's line of sight. "Dam, I wanted to paint spiderlilies with her blood. It smelt  _so, so_  good, but I guess the adults can play first." He stood much taller than the rather thin Haise and took hold the rinkaku so the smaller man couldn't move away as he used his momentum and swung the investigator over his head and into the pool of blood left by Mutsuki. Though Haise could have landed on his feet, he slipped in the blood, which then coated his front side.

_At least they maded it out._

"Naki says he remembers the buckets the most. Do you? You regenerate fast like me, right brother?" Pulling the rinkaku from his stomach finally, Chopper bit into it.

And then the screaming started along with laughter.

Haise ripped his kagune away from Chopper and rushed him while Chopper prepared his Ukaku. Last second, the investigator switched direction, jumping off stage.

Chopper followed after him. "Just why can't you keep the show on stage?"

Puddles of water mixed with blood spread out in the auditorium's warped landscape, bringing Haise to nearly slipping far too close for comfort near Chopper. Ducking behind benches, sliding between pillars- all of which Chopper didn't think twice of to destroy in his wake. This dance dragged far too long in Haise's mind. If he could just land a blow -

Funny how his own weapon would be used against him. His feet left the ground as yukimura 1/3's momentum sent him flying back, changing his direction entirely. It should have just ripped through his shoulder, but of course nothing ever works for Haise how he wished it would. Instead, Haise flew back with it as it embedded itself into the side of the raised stage, dead center.

"I remember something different than Naki." Chopper started, casually striding towards the investigator. "It was question of 'would it end, already' that hit me hardest, wouldn't you think Kaneki? Toes growing back only to be cut off once more?" Chopper lent close to his ear, whispering as though to share a secret only for them to understand in spite no one else being in the auditorium. "Or the centipede, Kaneki?"

_"I'm gonna try putting this guy in your ear, all right?"_

_"Please. . . stop . . . I don't want that . . . Please, that I can't. I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't."_

_Screaming. So much blood-curdling screaming and shocks of pain in his ear. He saw nothing as a blindfold was delicately placed over his eyes, and his focus entirely went to the blaring rustling in his ear. His own screams stopping reaching his ears._

_There weren't screams anymore. In its place was laughter, and it came from his own lips._

* * *

"Where's Haise!" Akira screamed out before even reaching the Quinx, though they heard her perfectly. Mutsuki healed at an alarming rate, which wasn't helping all that much as the ribs needed to be reset, and none of the Quinx had the mental strength to do that right then. The fact Urie went outside with them instead of charging after Chopper meant even he was shaken up.

"Inside in the stage area," Shirazu replied dully. He promised not to throw up until this was all over. "Chopper and Sasan are fighting."

She didn't even wait to let him finish before she ran at full sprint with her quinque out. Her team followed behind her without needing orders except for the one medic to look over Mutsuki. As his hand had mostly regenerated, Urie rushed after her, too, ignoring Shirazu's orders to stop. He couldn't simply let it look like the Mado squad had to come to their rescue  _entirely._  If their squad leader wouldn't, then Urie would maintain the Quinx's minimal pride.

Of course, he didn't expect to hit a wall of investigators that all stopped in their tracks just at the entrance of the staging area.

" . . N-Nine hundred and . . . fifty-eight." A choked sob. " Nine. . . Hun - nine hundred and fifty-one."

Though Urie didn't consider himself short, he still had to raise himself onto this toes to see the same sight as investigators. He wished he didn't follow them.

Chopper choked on his own blood from the two rinkakus pierced in his lungs. "Nine hundred . . . hundred and forty-four." He laid on the floor, hands straight out on either side and held there by two more kagunes. The half-ghoul straddled the man, his eyes vacant of either hatred nor remorse, no disgust in his position. Holding Ifraft, a knife kagune belonging to Mustudki, Haise held it to the larger man's throat. Tears streamed down the man's face. "Nine-hundred and-" he coughed. " thir-thirty-seven."

Only Akira broke formation from the man-made wall, slowly making her way towards the two ghouls. None of the Mado squad followed her nor did Urie, and none made a sound. The only noise echoed from the white haired ghoul's sobs.

"Nine. . . thirty-seven."

How Akira could approach her student and partner with him covered in blood likely not his, Urie would never know. In fact, bile rose in his throat. Even at this distance, he could smell the blood.

Walking through puddles of both water and blood, Akira pulled herself onto the stage with no hesitation. "Sasaki."

The said half-ghoul twitched yet kept his eyes on his prey beneath him.

That didn't dissuade her. She then stood behind Haise, careful not to step on Chopper's legs.

"Nine hundred an-and thirty." The ghoul looked anywhere but at the half-ghoul on top of him.

Urie didn't know what she'd do, but he hadn't expected her to set her quinque beside the two ghouls or to, being careful not to put pressure on the kagune protruding from his back, place her arms around the half-ghoul's shoulders. The blood from his spread to her hands, but she didn't move away and rested her head beside his.

Urie would have ran in their if one the Mado squad members hadn't pulled him back.

"Nine twenty-th-three."

The half-ghoul didn't move, didn't even flinch at her touch like Urie expected, but the mask, that coldness in his eyes, dissipated, and his eyes squinted in the corners. His mouth twisted into a deep frown. "It hurts."

"I know."

Slowly, the kagune retracted, releasing its hold of the sobbing man, and the boy began to tremble. All that was left was the knife pointed at the white-haired ghoul's throat. "It hurts so much."

Akira lent in closer. "I know, but you need to let go."

And he did. He let go of the knife, and the wall he built around himself finally broke.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I really suck at writing action, but I hope this worked out okay.
> 
> Those those wondering, Hinami is a ghoul with two different kagunes, so the fact our Chopper does is uncommon but is very much possible and is hereditary. Also, when Yamori was captured the first time, he wasn't "Jason" yet, if I remember correctly (Chapter 61). Plus, I think not giving ghouls real, full on names, in their files makes it easier to separate people from ghouls on an emotional level.
> 
> I apologies once more for my lateness. It's been a little hectic. My cousin ran away and we found him four days later two states over, so my focus has been on that more than anything else.
> 
> Please leave a review/comment! Thank you so much for reading and have a splendid day!


	10. Coffee (Copy Cat 3)

They sat there for what only felt like seconds to Haise, but if the growing crowd was anything to go by, likely minutes to even an hour could have passed. Blood still dripped from his eye, spilling onto the man's suit below him. He should probably get up, but Akira's weight on his back held him in place. Her heart thumped like a calming melody. Haise didn't realize just how tired he was until then. "Looks like I'll be needing a new pair of glasses."

"Just hush. You don't have to put up an act around me."

". . . Thank you, Akira."

"Let's get you out of here." She held his arm as he stood, noting the weight on his legs caused them to shake. Based on the condition of the auditorium, Chopper and  _Centipede_  went all out. But now, Haise was back, breathing steadily once more, most likely falling too much into himself, replaying things again and finding every flaw and every danger he could have put the Quinx in.  _Yah, that's Haise._ "They're all fine."

"Mutsuki-"

"Receiving care right now." They stepped off the stage, keeping their heads down and voices hushed as they passed the Mado squad and other back up - late as always. "He's a quick healer anyways." The two took there time leaving the stage area, then coming to a halt by the main doors leading to his squad. Through the open doors sat the Quinx, silent, observing Mutsuki whose eyes remained closed. Even with one kakugan eye, Haise watched the uneven rise and fall of the boy's breaths. "I know you didn't hurt him yourself."

"What are my consequences? For losing control?"

"Hush."

And so he did.

* * *

A deafening silence hung over the chateau.

Chopper was shipped off to Coachlea, and the Quinx went home without Haise. Urie expected it, figured they may even assign a new mentor, for temporary or permanent - he didn't care. His mind focused elsewhere as he replayed the events of the night in his room. He couldn't sleep - not with blood from the half-ghoul's  _eye_  spilling onto the man sputtering numbers beneath the other. The image imprinted itself into his mind. That power, that aura, like a snake towering over his prey and glaring with his one demon eye as the other begged for mercy. It's so animalistic, so inhuman - it's sickening.

The night moved far too slow.

Finding no comfort in his room, Urie left for the kitchen, taking each step slowly so as to not wake the others. Mutsuki especially needed sleep. Apparently, he wasn't the only one not finding sleep for there sat Saiko, sipping on a cup of coffee that smelt burnt at the table. The digital clock of the microwave read 4:17. What an ungodly hour.

Before he could say anything, Saiko spotted him. "Feeling guilty much?"

He sputtered, but Saiko cut him off.

"Shirazu told me. He's in the garage right now."

Oh. Not a good sign. When Shirazu went to the garage to work on the bike, that was a strong sign he was more than just agitated or blowing off steam. He thought too much down there.

"You realize what this might mean for Maman, right, Kuki?"

First names. Definitely not a good sign. "Of course, but if I didn't do what I did, Chopper would not be in our custody." Even from the distance he stood between himself and Saiko, a whiff of that god awful dirt in her cup nearly made him choke. Seeing the pot still half full on the kitchen counter, he proceeded to pour every drop down the drain. "I don't regret it."

"I don't believe you."

He didn't even believe himself. Nonetheless, he went to making a cup of coffee in spite of the hour. However, Saiko wasn't done. "Some of the backup squadron said they might put him in Cochlea. Because he felt so overwhelmed that he snapped."

He prayed she didn't see him halt in pouring the boiling water over the coffee grounds, didn't see him clenching and unclenching the glass handle. Of course, she once more didn't see her dear mentor when his mind slipped from human to something to an animal with no care for anything around, like everything was either a bother or prey. "He got lazy while fighting. His movements were sluggish compared to even Mutsuki. If he didn't act up, he likely would have been another red puddle on the floor."

"Probably because he just watched his subordinate be flung out of the building through the  _roof_?"

What an arm. "Ah, yes. What even took you so long? You did, what, swing at Chopper  _once?_ "

"And you had your hand chopped off. Mutsuki laid in his  _own_  blood _._  I could hear the cracks from all the way  _outside._ Don't you get just how disturbing that is? That we couldn't do anything?"

Does she even know what she signed up for? "Who cares if we're injured? Our job is to kill ghouls. Even if we fall, we get back up. If our legs break, use your arms. We took an oath to fight, and I fought to take another dangerous ghoul off the street. Besides, if you were to actually focus on getting  _stronger_ , you wouldn't be watching from the sidelines."

"We were in that predicament because of your insistence to go up against a ghoul that hadn't even been officially ranked." She sighed, keeping her gaze on the murk she called coffee between her hands. "I don't get you."

"Feelings' mutual."

Silence. Urie lent against the counter as he drank his coffee, refusing to look at the other quinx and vice versa. The coffee was bitter enough without needing this stuffy air. Then again, that's what happens when you burn your coffee.

He did what the others wouldn't do, Urie knew, in spite of it being the right thing to do. Chopper was stopped at the consequence of Haise's mind. Then again, the guy seemed like he could have cracked any day-

"Urie."

The said boy rolled his eyes, glaring at Shirazu as he wiped his hands on a towel. Before Shirazu could say anything else, Urie headed towards his room.

* * *

Mutsuki woke some time in the late afternoon to someone gentle shaking his shoulder. The orange tinted sky as evening drew nearer lit his room in a soft glow. Of all the people he assumed would wake him, he hadn't expected a smiling Haise Sasaki, though weakly. He'd take it though. At least he seemed better than last, where his shoulders had sagged too low and head held in defeat as if walking to his own execution.

"Morning, sleepyhead."

The boy groaned yet began to shift in bed. "Wha' time is it?"

"Around four on a Thursday. Don't worry- no work tomorrow or this weekend. You hungry?"

With a muffled rumble of Mutsuki's stomach on the thought of food, Haise already was helping the younger man sit up in spite him not needing it. Everything healed as it should. Now to get some food and head back to bed.

While still under the fog of sleep, even Mutsuki felt the tension in the air before hearing the harsh words spat and hissed then roared from the kitchen. Surprisingly, Saiko wasn't in her room and neither was Urie. However, the two refused to look at the other as Shirazu stood rather close to the other male with something a bit different hate. Disgust.

"You're kidding me, right? After everything we've done for y-"

" _You_  haven't done shit."

Shirazu pinched the bridge of his nose. "God, why do I even try to reason with you? It's because of your blatant sociopathy that Mutsuki was hurt and Haise had lost control-"

"He was going to lose control whether I-"

"Boys."

All eyes turned astonished to their mentor. His words were thick with something Urie could only call authority, that disobeying would be death. This was the half-ghoul he saw on that stage only the night before. However, his eyes remained the same: empathetic. He moved to the coffee pot once setting Mutsuki a dining table chair

That level of authority dropped from his voice once he continued. "I get it. Our case wasn't something . . .-" he set the kettle filled with water onto the stove "- normal for any team to face - not at that level and especially so early in your careers. I'm sorry for putting you through that, for not speaking up when I should have."

"Sasan-"

"I know: don't blame yourself." Urie watched with arms folded as the man began scooping grounds of coffee ready to be steeped yet knowing there's little the man could do to make those grounds taste good. Neither Saiko nor himself could make a decent batch. "However, I understood to a point this guy was more than we initially thought. I know his character - the one torn down only to be rebuilt into something unrecognizable, the kind with no care except for their sadistic pleasure, the men too far gone from salvation. You shouldn't have had to seen that."

 _As though it's any different than you_ , Urie thought. As if being intuned to Urie's inner comments, Shirazu glared at him.

The teapot whistled to the group, pulling their attention away from the pained eyes of Haise. Swiftly, their mentor delicately poured the steaming water over the coffee grounds, taking his time. He moved the pot in a circle so as to soak every ground evenly. "But even with that in mind, I'm proud of all of you."

Three of the Quinx looked to each other in confusion.

"You've been through so much even before joining the CCG. Instead of taking the easy route, you threw yourselves into one of the most stressful jobs on the market. And to top it off, you chose to bear a kagune." The sweet aroma of coffee filled their senses. Sometimes, Urie found it difficult to concentrate when it was Haise that made the coffee. "You've seen the true dark side of ghouls, had bedtime stories brought to life in a much more gruesome, not so fairytale like way." After steeping and finding cups from the cupboard, he poured the fresh brew then passed them around the dining table. No one declined his silent invitation to sit down, and they waited for Haise to take the first sip, watching the steam roll off the cups filled to the brim, yet not a single drop spilt. "In a sense, you've done more for me than the other way around. So, after all my rambling," he joked before smiling to each individual, "I just want to say thank you."

He took his sip and so did the others. Even just bringing it to their lips, Urie felt a sense of calmness as the tension finally dimmed from the air. He didn't get it. The coffee, though from the same shitty bag of grounds, was a perfect blend of bitter and sweet, not too strong, calming. Even the others began to relax, most noticeable with Shirazu's glare softening.

"But on a more of a business note, I've been talking with Akira, Arima, and Doctor Shiba involving whether to open another 'frame' in your kagunes." And there went Shirazu's glare again, but this time not towards Urie. "Easy Ginshi. My fear was after you all seeing the power of ghouls that you'd seek power of your own. Whether you seek it to protect something or to reach a goal, the three of us agreed to deny in enhancing your kagunes for the sake of your own humanity."

_Humanity. Right, ghoul. You know what humanity is._

The night drew to a close with all members but Urie doting over Mutsuki as though he were a kicked puppy. Honestly, they wouldn't have been in such a train wreck if the others just tried to become stronger. Whatever they were doing had showed no progress when fighting Chopper. They needed to get get a better grip on the situation they couldn't escape to fight, to end this losing steak . . .

 _"Do you even remember what it is that drove you to become stronger, to rise in ranks?"_  Arima's words rang in his mind. Yes, Urie remembers his goal, and that's why he wouldn't succumb to the same fate as Haise or Arima.

The scene of the auditorium replayed in his mind like a cassette tape, always rewinding, always restarting the same sequence of numbers. The guy was subtracting by sevens through his sobbing. And there was that half-ghoul with blood oozing from his eye and one good kakugan seeing nothing, his gaze somewhere far more distant, lacking so much emotion-

_"He's afraid one day you'll be as mindless as he once was. If you don't watch you step, you'll end up just like centipede: desperate. He's actually not that far off."_

No. He wouldn't let himself end like that.

Whether he has to do it himself or with the doctor's consent, he'd become stronger than Haise without losing his humanity.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Arima's words are from chapter "Movie Night"
> 
> The fact I hadn't done a coffee chapter when I'm absolutely obsessed with it is beyond me. (to drink a Kopi Luwak cup of coffee is on my bucket list for god's sake)
> 
> My Tokyo Ghoul theme song is "Dream" by Imagine Dragons. Just wanted to share that because I HAVE JUST TOO MANY FEELS ALL THE FREAKING TIME.
> 
> Coffee is such an important detail in Tokyo Ghoul that seems so bizarre yet so fitting. I mean, coffee. Why can ghouls drink coffee but not eat anything else? And at the same time, coffee houses are places of socializing and gathering. So while we know ghouls tend to be not a part of the social scene, places like Anteiku mean so so SO much in the TG universe. It's a way to connect ghouls to one another, to meet under the same roof and share a cup with someone that share something in common yet are all rather unique. If you start to think about it too much (like me), it's really beautifully put into this manga.
> 
> Anyways, thank you so much for reading and please leave a comment! Expect an update by May 29th (I'll be camping this weekend and with no access to electronics (people really still do that?) so it will take longer to put together)


	11. Nutella

Sometimes he wonders - wonders about his life beyond the few years of the CCG, about the people that may once shared stories and laughs, who probably tried to cheer him up when he cried over something meaningless like kids do. Maybe they found things in common, brought each other things they love so the other would smile. That could just be the others' presence.

But Haise wouldn't know.

* * *

"Weren't we here, like, last week?"

"They have good coffee!"

Mutsuki rolled his eyes though smiled along with his mentor. :Re had become the Quinx's "new hangout," or that's what Haise called it. Things happened as always: They sat at a booth with a street view, Urie ignored them, Saiko panicked over all the choices, and Haise simply smiled. All happened the same except for one small thing that was routine. Shirazu.

"Do you know what you want to order?" The waitress - Touka, they learned - asked. She smiled as usual and wrote down their orders with only a small altercation with Saiko changing her order four times.

Then there was Shirazu. Hands kept in his pockets and gaze on the windows, he gave his order and nothing more. Nothing more. . .

"Ginsh?" Saiko chimed, grinning. "Have you finally give up on her?" She meant the waitress. Every time they walked in, he'd make his advance, trying to get her number and failing more "epic-ly," as Saiko would say, each time. But instead, the boy sat and kept his attention elsewhere. "You never know. She might actually say yes this time after all your pestering."

His eyes never left the passing cars. "Not today. She's got enough to do."

True to Shirazu's words, the young waitress rushed between tables taking orders and filling mugs. At her swiftness, Saiko even suggested the waitress wore skates. In the span of a minute, the Quinx held their mugs of coffee and shakes. The Quinx thanked her full-heartedly and began their debrief as usual. Mutsuki listened as attentively as he could until Urie snapped at Saiko and Mama Haise as usual stepped in to care for his kids. Really, they'll never change. And Shirazu - he sat quietly, likely not having heard a single word Haise said. This wasn't the usual.

While Haise lectured on cooperation, Mutsuki asked softly, "You doing okay, Ginshi?"

He hummed. "Fine."

"You don't seem like it."

Shirazu kept his eyes on the failing light as dusk tainted everything in orange. "I'm fine, Tooru."

"Y'know you can talk to me if you need anything, right?"

He snorted. " 'Course."

"I'm serious."

He stood up abruptly, catching the attention of the other three along with a few others in nearby booths. "Sorry guys," he said without looking at them, "I'm gonna head home early. Tell Ms. Touka I say hi." He started his way towards the door.

"Wait, Shirazu!" Haise followed the teen and grabbed his arm. "What's going on?"

"Nothing."

Haise pulled him the rest of the way outside and around the corner. "Talk to me."

Keeping his eyes on anywhere but Haise and hands in his jacket pockets, the teen replied, "Nothing. Just want to go home."

"Are you getting sick? Or this something else?"

"Absolutely nothing. Can I go now?"

". . . We're going to talk later, okay?"

Before Haise even finished, Shirazu had turned in the direction towards the chateau. "Sure."

Shaking his head, Haise thought to himself just what was he doing. He could barely get through to adults let alone deal with teenagers and their spontaneous raging hormones. He covered his face with his hands and pulled down in frustration before heading back into :Re. The last of the Quinx stared at him as he walked in, however, Haise didn't indulge them. Instead, they ate their meal in awkward silence. Until they finished did Haise speak. "You three head home. I'm going to head to the office in a minute."

"Suit yourself," commented Saiko as her farewell. The other two followed her out with only a meager thanks from Mutsuki. The rush came and went in :Re, but Haise didn't. Instead, he nursed his cup as his mind dulled him from any outer interference. This isn't the first time Shirazu's acted up - not by a long shot. But even with that being the case, the teen would confide or calm down immediately. Of course, that confiding would be with Haise. The mentor was too much of an authority figure, or so that's what Shirazu said. He already felt a migraine coming on. And this is why he isn't a father.

He hid his frown in his cup, watching the other customers for a moment until noticing the two boys in the booth just on down from his. One, fair haired, held back little sobs as the other simple sat their with an arm around his friend. No words exchanged, just a small comfort for whatever reason. Two friends alone on a week night seeking warmth in a coffee shop.

For a selfish moment, Haise wondered to himself if there was once a person like that to him, a brother to simply sit with him while he struggled with both childish and real issues. Oh, how he longed for a friend like that right about now.

"So. Sasaki."

Being pulled from his thoughts by the familiar voice, Haise realized far too late that the waitress sat across from him. "Ah, Touka. How are you?"

"I believe that's what I'm supposed to be asking. Untying her apron, it appeared she wasn't leaving any time soon. On break, probably."Everything okay between you and your squad members?"

He shrugged. "Teenagers."

She smiled encouragingly until hearing the small blubbering in the booth behind her of the young boy with his friend. "Children. None of us knew what we were doing." Sighing, she still smiled when they looked at her before asking Haise, "Have you tried to talk to him?"

"Of course. He's just difficult." He waved his hands. "It's hard for him to explain himself."

Snorting, she commented, "Sounds like me."

"Really? You seem very open."

Her smiled tendered. "Not always. But then again, we had our unbalanced hormonal moments."

Raising his glass, he laughed. "You can say that again."

"I know this might not be my place, but have you ever thought of meeting him halfway?"

That sobered him up quickly. "Halfway?"

"Miss, do you have any Nutella?" the boy sitting in the booth behind Touka asked. "We'll buy the jar off of you." The fair haired with eyes still rimmed red giggled to his friend's suggestion before playfully shoving the other.

Turning, she replied, "Sorry, boys, I don't think we have Nutella," then turning back to reply to Haise. "Y'know, fall to his level - stop being the dad and instead be the friend."

"And how exactly is that supposed to be done?"

"Very carefully."

He rolled his eyes but took her suggestion into consideration. "I don't get him. He's just - I don't know - not like me? I just can't read him some - most of the time."

"Hmm." She please her arms on the table. "Maybe you don't have to. I mean, sometime just being there with an open ear is enough, don't you think?"

Refraining from a ridiculous pun, he nodded, sipping his coffee as Touka fixated on the dying light outside the window. To some, their familiarity when speaking meant they were childhood friends, and yet the two have hardly talked, didn't know one another until very recently. In some sense, it was alien, but at the same time, only like it had been a long time since they last talked, like friends trying to fall back into the same routine. He wondered what it would be like to have seen this Touka only a few years ago when her smiles weren't so genuine, where she simply needed a friend. And for himself - he wondered if there was someone there for him or if he simply was alone for a long time until the CCG stepped in.

Taking just a glimpse passed Touka, Haise suddenly found himself sputtering in his coffee and until laughed openly. Though probably scaring the hell out of her, Touka turned to find what set him off only to put a hand over her own mouth to retain her composure but failed miserably. The dark haired manager - Yomo, he learned some time back - must have given it to them, for there sat the two boys, grinning chocolate-y smiles and faces panted with cocoa with their fingers in a jar of Nutella.

* * *

The roof was both deafening and blissfully silent, as it blocked at all distractions from the noise to focus yet allowed him to focus just a little too much for his well being. The mid-summer night wind blew unpleasantly hot, only worsening his existent bedhead. Then again, who cares? It's 7pm and he's on his own roof. What could they say? He just wished it was so  _hot._

Or quiet. The mind was a dangerous place in moments of silence.

He sat with a leg dangling over the edge and the other held towards his chest, hands and head resting on his knee. So quiet and so loud. His head screamed for him to run, to leave this ward, to do  _something._  But in spite of those thoughts, his arms and legs weighed too much to lift himself. Doing something would only worsen his situation anyways.

"Ginshi."

If Shirazu wasn't half asleep, maybe he would have reacted, pulling himself together before his mentor noticed the puffy skin around his red rimmed eyes. But alas, at some point, you stop caring. He waited patiently for the reprimanding, to be tugged away from the edge and a lecture on safety and humility, but instead, his mentor merely stepped onto the ledge and took a seat next to him. And said nothing.

Agitated, the boy looked over. "Well?"

Haise hummed.

"Aren't you going to do your speech on appearances, for arguing in public or something? Get it over with o-or just leave me alone."

"No," he breathed. "There's no need to." When the teen groaned, Haise added on. "Listen, I don't know what's going on, but you don't have to tell me. I think- to point - I get it. I'm not gonna force you to say anything."

"Sas- Hai- Sassan, you don't understand anything. You  _can't_  understand. It's family stuff, so just go."

Hesitating, Haise reluctantly asked, "May I ask why I can't understand?"

"God, Haise." He stood up and glared at his mentor. "You don't get it. You haven't have a family to worry about that's in another ward and  _dependent_  on me to eat three meals a day. You can't understand, Haise. You've only ever had to worry about yourself. Now, leave me alone." He turned, balancing on the thick edge of the chateau's roof to another corner and looked out at the lively city.

Haise shook his head but didn't move. "Is that what you really think?"

" 'Course, you've always had Japan's greatest investigators backing you up."

He thought of the two boys today, the way the fair haired boy's eyes lit up when his friend opened the jar of Nutella for him, how he simply stopped thinking about what had been worrying him. If only teens were as distracted.

"It's not as though you talk about your past with us anyways."

"There's only so much I actually remember in full, coherent memories. And a lot of it isn't pretty."

"I know. So am I right." He kept his back to his mentor as he spoke. "You didn't have a family. You don't understand just how much it  _fucking_  sucks to have a pissed drunk father who uses up any scraped money for more booze while the rest of you starve. It's my sister's birthday, and what am I doing? Being absolutely useless while she's stuck with that man because of this retched justice system." From the angle, Haise couldn't see his face, but he assumed the boy to be crying based on his weakening voice. Shirazu glared at his hands as if they'd wronged him. "I just want to hold them." Then once, more he was sitting, ushered by gentle hands. No more tears shed, not while his Sassan watched him.

"You don't have to put a front when it's just us, 'kay?" Startled, Shirazu eyed him before his mentor continued. Suddenly, Haise felt shy to voice his opinion and stared at his fidgeting hands before focusing on the streets below. "I may not understand everything to the same level as most, but I'll work with what I got. I don't talk about my past, well, because I've been hiding from it. Who wants to know you lost a perfect world? Y'know, before it all came crashing down."  _Quite literally_ , he thought to himself, recalling the falling metal beams, but not much else from when, the CCG said, he finally "turned." "But even so, I don't expect you to tell me - not because I'm 'authority,' but because- you just don't need to explain yourself to me."

A couple with their dog passed the chateau, pleasantly smiling and blissfully unaware of the two watching them.

"I don't know if this is the most appropriate time, but," Shirazu snapped back as Haise reached behind, "I heard it cures everything." In his hands sat a small jar of chocolate and peanut butter mix, swirled softly.

Shirazu nearly choked. "Nutella?" He could bite back his laugh as Haise pulled out a plastic spoon. He shook his head and groaned. Sometimes he wondered how he got stuck with one of the most bizarre mentors the CCG had to offer. "Nuh-uh, you eat this stuff with your fingers." Taking the jar from his mentor, he popped the lid and delicately peeled back the seal and taking in the sweet aroma. With no hesitation, he dipped his finger picking up both peanut butter and chocolate then licking it off. Passing off the jar, Shirazu stopped mid action. "Sorry."

"It's fine. I'm used to it." Haise shrugged.

Shirazu took back the jar. That . . . didn't make it okay. "I'm sorry."

"It's just food, Ginsh-"

"No, about snapping at you. F-or my accusations. I don't really think that."

Haise hummed. "I wouldn't blame you, though. I haven't been the most open person, but the CCG wants very little knowledge of my history to leak out. Imagine the publicity if someone heard I wasn't simply turned and immediately picked up by the CCG? But even so, its mostly just sensations, like some things just feel right or familiar while other things just don't. Besides, remembering would mean a lot more stress on me. Not all my past is rainbows and sunshine."

"I didn't think so. Sorry."

"It's okay."

They sat in silence, but not the same as when Shirazu had been alone. It didn't suffocate or whisper to him. Instead, it felt warm, just like a mid-summer night.

* * *

The ungodly hour of three in the morning brought him reaching for someone that wasn't there in spite of calling for them. A name fell on his lips, one he couldn't place with a face. But for many long nights, the name would haunt in his sleep, and just when a person finds something only to lose it in its exact same place, he would forget as soon as the sun broke through his window. But for the first time, he didn't forget, and the name brought a tight feeling in his chest, like a bond stretched too far away.

"Hide."

* * *

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter can be considered an intro to Kenopsia part 2ish.
> 
> Let me apologies for my extreme lateness. I realized I had only another week until SATs and finals with two essays not even started and portfolios/projects to still complete. . . and then planning my senior friend's graduation party. So basically my brain has been fried, once more. I rewrote this story twice now and still hate it, but OH WELL.
> 
> Please do not expect consistent updates until after June 10th. So sorry for failing all of you. I plan to do some special chapters later to make it up (or to update much more often. We'll see.)
> 
> If you have any questions/comments, feel free to ask directly/write a review/comment. Thank you!


	12. A Whisper

Silence doesn't exist. Not the kind one would think, because many imagine it as a replacement rather than the lack of anything. Like anti-matter, it's a concept, but not a thing, as dark is the lack of light. Unattainable. In spite of the turned off lights and the people no longer roaming the streets, Haise has yet to reach silence. Though not seeing the simple side table that should be beside his bed, he cannot reach for his shadow. It is impossible - impractical.

While he hoped for a peaceful night, that too is impractical, as the mind never stops, whether you want it to or not. In sleep, the mind is the most oddly active, as it hallucinates scenarios. Sometimes, they're about things he know, like the CCG faculty lounge, where he'd gag ever so slightly on thier cheap coffee while Akira went over the vocabulary for his upcoming exams he passed with flying colors years ago. Other things like Arima and him sparring, or cooking for the kids, things he found pleasant, would appear hear and there, especially on long nights. How odd that when we are the most exhausted do we remember our dreams best.

But there are nights where he assumed it to be still, quiet, pleasant. And they're not. Sometimes it's dark and silent, but as said, that doesn't exist. Something always creeps outside of the light, studying him, sizing him up. The hairs on the back of his neck will stand on end, and the things presence alone acted as a binding around his lungs that squeezed tighter the closer it came. Most nights, it doesn't approach. Sometimes it becomes curious. And others it even speaks.

Go away, he'd think, not realizing it wasn't real.

I can't, sometimes he imagine it said back. You need me. You'll see.

It'd remained so timid at first, never ever approaching, though Haise wouldn't say tamed. But now- now Haise knew it's intent. He knew after it attacked, screaming inhumanly for him to give it his body. He'd wake to Akira pointing a rifle at him and a faint tingling sensation in his abdomen. She herself stared too widely compared to himself, even though the gun was pointed at him, not her.

After that, Haise never let his guard down around it again.

But now it's found new tactics, like slipping into the pleasant dreams. Cooking. Haise'd turn to reply to Tooru who'd be sitting in his usual seat, smiling timidly and ask about his day and then turn back to his food. The nightmare would start. The pot he stirred no longer held a tomato base, and the threatening aroma of blood would fill his nose. Turning around, there was Mutsuki, but unmoving in _its_ hands, in the one that wants his body.

Haise never saw it's face, as its covered by a smiling mask, staring intently with its one eye. Scolding his weakness, its hair falls softly over the leather mask.

You can't be weak anymore. You have to be stronger. It'd reach for him, dropping Mutsuki. Give it to me.

He'd awaken then at dawn. It cannot have me. Allowing that to happen, especially in the house . . . the Quinx would have no chance. Haise couldn't stop it if it took hold again. Akira can't always save him, he known that. And that is why, in spite of his predicament as a half-ghoul living with the ones that hunt people just like him and even participating in killing those that he may have once known, the thing will not be a concern for peers or overseers. As their greatest weapon to ensuring the public's safety, as the supposed revolutionary experiment, Haise's existence represents hope. He stood as a chance for the humans to find the courage to fight back on the same terms as ghouls.

The anonymity, or at least for his allies, will talk and talk and bite here and there, but it will remain as it has: just a voice.

He's fine. He can handle this and keep them safe.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter was originally going to be an intro to a multi-chapter story called "Apropos of Nothing" (or "White Silence") that I scrapped. I wrote this chapter before I started "Amnesiac" and was in first-person. Sorry if I forgot to fix any pronouns. This also means this was written before the latest chapters of Re:TG came out (like chapter 31.5), so the audience' understanding of "the voice in haise's head" was very limited.
> 
> Continuing on, i imagined the voice in Haise's head was always kaneki in spite of some saying "it's only the bad part of kaneki." At the end of TG, there wasn't much left of the "good kaneki." I don't remember where I read this sadly, but someone pointed out that TG is really about a story of a boy who simply keeps losing. He lost physically and emotionally and continued to lose until he became the monster. (After all, during the scene where Eto/Takasuki Sen signs Kaneki's book, she relates his surname as a reference to the writer Osamu Dazai, who's novel "No Longer Human" greatly parallels to Kaneki's destruction from start to finish. I really suggest you guys check out the novel. I'll be reading it over the summer.) So in this chapter, the inner voice is that monster.
> 
> Anyway! School is officially over, and I'm planning a "special chapter" (which means basically it's out of my comfort zone, is a bit "out there" like "Copycat" was, and will hopefully be longer than the usual.) Again, forgive me for my absence.


	13. The Child Enemy

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Requested by BriEva (I know, I'm extremely slow at fulfilling request/suggestions). Also includes a portion of Kenopsia from Lipid Creeper.
> 
> PS: I'm officially addressing that the auction raid occurred. This is also over 4,000 words, so sit comfortable.

_Hide. Hide. Hide_ , he repeated as his mantra until finding a sticky note. No face with a smile he imagined would lift a room's dull atmosphere or a voice littered with cheesy jokes and laughter. Just a name and Haise's own imagination. Not knowing his connection to this name though recognizing the sense of security at the sound of the name, Haise wrote on that simply pad of yellow sticky notes " _Hide"_  and beneath the name " _brother."_

That's where Haise's closet hobby began.

* * *

**A week later**

Shirazu pinched the bridge of his nose. "This is a rather large operation."

"It might be our only chance to take out a base of over twenty ghouls. It's like their sanctuary. Taking them out by surprise could isolate even more ghouls in the district that rely on them for food or shelter," Urie pointed out. Akira nodded along to his explanation while looking over the photos and reports scavenged by the Quinx squad.

"A coffee shop?" Saiko asked unbelieving.

"It's almost too perfect when you think about it," concluded Mutsuki. "I mean, coffee is all ghouls can drink that's human made. What better way to get ghouls together?"

"I agree with Mutsuki," Haise pitched in. "It's a rather good cover, and the ghouls there likely know most of those in the ward."

Akira passed the photos of believed ghouls to the squad. "Their information could be invaluable."

"Exactly." Urie flipped through his reports. "If we're going to do this, it has to be soon."

Shirazu rolled his eyes, knowing just how "not soon enough" can lead to recklessness of his squad member. "Will I be commanding the squad or Haise?"

"You will," Haise chimed. "You need practice, and this'll be your first major operation with yourself in command. I'll oversee, of course, but you have control."

He grinned. "Understood. Time to bash a few heads, huh, team?"

* * *

It felt like all too much, like a floodgate after years finally releasing, and it hurt so much to watch.

The flames swallowing the coffee shop, spreading to the neighboring shops in the evacuated strip, only made the half-ghoul feel colder.

 _Don't_ , he wished to cry, but this wasn't his right. Haise could not deny them from doing their job. Shirazu had little practice in commanding the squad. After a few missions went off without a hitch, Haise gave his ally greater reign in missions, even to the point that Haise only stood back and observed the others as an overseer.

This, however, was too close to home, in spite of not knowing what that "home" is.

Weapons raised and eyes cold, Shirazu directed his squad around the two ghouls that had tried to run, one huddled behind the elder ghoul's dress. A mother and child. The mother's kakugan shown and glaring at the surrounding CCG members threatened that a step too close would trigger her. When the child peaked passed her leg, the mother, with pent up with rage, still gently nudged the dark-haired child behind her once more.

His team remained calm and collected, edging around the mother and child to block off any escape from the wide alley. Perched on top of a delivery truck, Haise did nothing as Shirazu raised his hand to give the signal.

And then they all rushed forward against only two ghouls, a mother and child too young to understand why they were going to hurt mommy. Bile rose in his throat but held it back. Now wasn't the time.

Rushing forward, it like it wasn't his body anymore. It surged onward without his command. Robotic, lacking feeling - numb. The mother tried her best as she used her own body as a shield, but it did little to nothing against a fully trained squad of CCG members. She moved quick, but not quick enough, and Haise faltered in his step reaching for them.

Out of all the noises in the back alley- the hum of AC units, the rapid steps of his team moving onto their targets, Kagune meeting paved road- Haise only heard the thud of her body and the scream of the child standing over her. His eyes only remained on the mess of raven hair as blood soaked the pavement around him.

And Urie raised his quinque as the others watched, the Quinx like the reaper himself raising his scythe on a boy so young.

"Stop!"

With how sluggish he felt, Haise never expected to make it in time. And yet, there he was, laying himself over the two ghouls reading to take the blow.

* * *

Urie stopped breathing for just a second. He couldn't stop his momentum yet managed to pull the strike to the side just enough to miss his superior's head. Saiko may have screamed, but his attention remained on the small distance between the quinque and the white hairs of Haise's.

It felt like one of those cliche movies, where the protagonist takes the deadly blow for a loved one only for everything to turn out fine. Of course, this wasn't a movie.

"Rank 1 Sasaki."

The man flinched but ignored the address and instead lifted himself from the young child he covered. "Are you hurt?" he asked as he knelt in front of the kid. The child lifted their head and pulled their hair from his eyes, revealing his kakugan. Haise knew the implications of a kakugan but didn't move away from the child nor prepare to restrain them. His trembling was enough for Haise to understand he wouldn't attack unless provoked even more. He was scared. The child shook their head. "What is your name?"

Shirazu realized what he was doing and groaned. "Sassan."

Haise didn't expect an answer, but he got one anyways. "Katsuo." A male name.

"That's a nice name, Katsuo. I'm Haise." Haise blinked. When he opened his eyes again, his one kakugan showed, but he smiled kindly to the boy in front of him.

The boy's eyes went wide. "Why?" A trembling hand went for the mother's own cooling, porcelain hand and glared at the Quinx behind Haise, though it was much less threatening than the boy likely anticipated. He didn't have to voice the rest for the half-ghoul to understand.

"I'm sorry. But I won't let anyone hurt you."

The boy focused on his once more. The jerking of his head made the chin length hair fall in front of his face once more. Underneath that mop of hair, Haise knew those eyes were wide and confused. So, so young. Eyes too wide and innocent to understand hate or death, to understand the fear in the CCG that led to exterminating all ghouls. He could have been anywhere between five and ten if taking undernourishment into consideration for his height and weight.

"Momma?"

"I'm sorry, Katsuo." He held a hand towards the boy, awaiting for the other. "I can't save her like I can you."

"Sassan. That is not proto-"

"Back down, Ginshi." Haise kept his voice leveled so as to not scare the child, but Shirazu picked up the strain in his words. The squad leader bit his lip as Haise continued. "I want to make a promise with you." Haise change from an awaiting hand to a fist with only his pinky finger extended. "It's a ghoul to ghoul promise."

The boy hesitated before raising a bloodied and thin hand, mimicking Haise.

"I promise not to let anyone hurt you as long as I stand, Katsuo."

Biting his lip, the child whispered only for the half-ghoul's ears. "Big brother will take care of it?"

Haise nodded and the child interlocked pinkies with the other. "Big brother will take care of it," he repeated.

 _Big brother._  He wished he didn't miss the sound of that.

* * *

"You always manage to put me in a tighter situation than the last." Akira massaged her temples. "One day, you might just kill me." She knit her fingers together, setting her hands on the desk and lent forward. Arima observed from the corner with the same bored composure but in truth soaking in every detail. "I've told you before that  _that_  sympathy makes me look bad just as much as yourself. Going soft on ghouls now, especially with your unique case, looks even worse to other CCG members and giving them another reason to despise you, you get that?"

Haise stood before his desk with arms behind his back, warn though alert. "I understand that my job is to end the war between humans and ghouls. And while a child may not hold valuable information, it at the same time does not warrant slaught-extermination."

"Haise," she started, then huffed. "Even if you appealed to a Washuu or another higher up, we don't have the room."

"Cochlea can't hold a young boy?"

"He'd grow up behind bars without a purpose. I'm not trying to be apathetic - this is how other people will see it. They'll see it as a waste of space, especially if your fighting against any testing."

"I know. I'll pay for the consequences however way I can."

"There'll be a hearing," chimed in Arima. "Will you be able to take the ridicule, martyr?"

He nodded without any hesitance. "For an innocent child? Yes."

* * *

"What the hell, Sassan? You said this would be the biggest operation I'd be commanding, and now it's this huge debate on 'are the Quinx siding with the ghouls?' now."

The living room's usual warmth and scents of cooking food were replaced with the team's tension, coating the room in a blanket of a pressure that pulled them apart. Mutsuki and Saiko already left once realizing neither of their words would reach Urie, Shirazu, or their mentor's ears. Instead, the three stood, sizing one another, measuring their stares and stature.

"I made my decision."

Shirazu pinched his nose far too often these days. This guy gave him far too many headaches in the past few months alone. Stubborn and ignorant of the repercussions. If Haise wasn't a superior . . .

Urie sat with arms crossed on the edge of the couch. His voice echoed in the empty chateau. "You're dragging the rest of us down with you."

"I know, but I don't regret anything."

"In spite of risking out careers?" Urie asked.

"In spite of saving a life?" Haise retorted without any hesitance. "Katsuo is a child with no knowledge of  _why_  we hunt his kind."

Urie pointed out his nature. "He isn't human. He  _eats_  humans."

"He's a child that wants to live and play and thrive. Katsuo is not an animal to put down."

"Don't treat him like he's human, Sasaki."

Haise suddenly jumped back, glaring at his subordinate. "More human than yourself right now."

Shirazu thought back to the auction and Nutcrackers last words. " _I just wanted to be beautiful,"_  she had said to him. And his choice of words back? " _Don't talk like you're human."_  He felt sick. Those were the last words she heard.

Their mentor inhaled deeply, composing himself. "I can see why you're angry. I jeopardized your jobs, your names, and credibility as CCG members, but I don't regret my decision. This kid - he doesn't know what's going on. He doesn't know why his mom was killed or why he was next. To him, the CCG were just stories of bad guys like Arima to keep him from wandering off or showing his Kagune in public. He doesn't know why someone wants him slaughtered for just existing."

Shirazu remembered being a kid when his dad first hit him. He didn't understand where the anger came from and assumed it was something he did wrong. Dad called him a "fuck up," and Ginshi believed it. After all, who were you supposed to believe? The father with an income at the time, who fed you and payed for your schooling, or your own minimal knowledge on anything of the outside world? He realized too old that it wasn't true.

"Slaughtered?" Urie scoffed. "He's going to grow up and do the exact same thing as his mother, as his father and his grandfather: eat. And just who will be his victims? Ghouls - they're inherently immoral."

"Are you saying the same about myself?"

"Y-you had no choice," Shirazu claimed.

"And did Katsuo?"

"That's not - " Any chance of an argument shattered with Haise's simple reasoning, poking at the large loophole in any human's philosophy. Ghouls, carnivores, must eat like any human. A human may cry when the lion catches the lamb, but when the lamb survives and the lion has nothing to feed its cubs, humans cry once more. Ghouls must eat. It's just that human's are on the menu.

"You're human, Kuki, Ginshi, but you're also ghouls, in spite of how you separate yourselves. Don't pretend your higher than this child."

Urie grit his teeth but said nothing. There was nothing  _to be said._  The air laid heavily in their lungs, the weight of the day shown in their sunken faces. Work did this funny thing where it carried itself in to their little home instead of the office. It pulled at the walls until the home's sturdy walls began to crack. And now, it felt like the chateau roof could collapse on top of them at any moment.

With nothing more to say, the group dispersed: Urie to the front door for "a walk," Ginshi to work on his bike in the garage, and Haise headed towards his room. He held back form slamming his door and instead clicked it shut. He had other things to worry about like the hearing. But before that, Haise moved to his desk and pulled his pad of sticky notes from the drawer and wrote only two words once more. " _Hinami"_  and " _sister."_

Peeling it away from the pad, Haise placed it beside Hide's.

* * *

Haise didn't expect the Quinx to even show up. And yet, there they were sitting beside Hayashimura, the last of the Oshiba squad that took down Nutcracker with Shirazu and Saiko, awaiting for the judge to feed him to the political wolves called the jury. This wouldn't be an easy case, and he never expected it to be.

It wasn't much of a jury nor a realistic civil case, but rather board members around a table to discuss matters with others listening in on the outer circle. The alleged jury consist of Special Rank members like Arima, Kuroiwa, Tanakamaru and Marude that Haise knew and a few others who likely stay in the other wards rather than visit the first. It'd been a while since seeing the First Class members all in one space without weapons in hand, almost like a class reunion.

Pleasantries were passed to Hirako, Arima's old student, then Suzuya with snacks, and a few others before Haise and Akira sat together as allies at the round table in the center, awaiting to make their case.

Haise didn't know what to expect in full honesty. Yes, some yelling and arguing that ghouls killed but not for cases to target himself. Like Tanakamaru who decided he deserved to speak before Washuu Yoshitoki even addressed the issue at hand. The poor man fell into tears while speaking of Haise's accomplishments. "Recieving the Osmanthus and White Wing Award so quickly," he'd cried. "A model investigator who followed his duty with such pride, and now you wish to wash all of your work down the drain?" Kuroiwa had to calm the grown man down.

"Now that  _that's_  out of his system," Washuu spoke, taking his hand away from his temples, "Let's get this started, shall we? Thanks to all those who decided to give their time to this particular case consisting the future of the child ghoul 'Katsuo.' Sasaki, please state what exactly you're hoping to accomplish."

Haise stood as he spoke, taking his time with wording his sentences just as he had in front of Akira. "After discovering the child Katsuo escaping with his mother during the raid on Archive Coffeehouse, the Quinx squad exterminated the mother ghoul and captured Katsuo."

"Which is against the rules," Marude slipped. Dozens of others nodded along with him, some in the outer circle voicing in grunts and whispers.

"While protocol claims to kill a ghoul if they do not hold any information," Haise continued, "this case does not revolve around if my actions were inappropriate, but if killing this child would go against basic civil rights. However, I will take any consequences after discussing the well being of Katsuo. Today I stand against either killing or experimenting on a minor in spite of species." Once finished, Haise took his seat.

"Very well. Now, open discussion. Comments from non-first class members is permitted to a point."

The first to speak was Kuroiwa. In spite of the incident that took Kuroiwa's arm, the man still remained a part of the CCG, greatly respected for his words of wisdom and often trained new members. "What you are asking is for is to go against everything the CCG stands for." He lent forward on the table. "I spent my life working among allies of the CCG and lost like the rest of them. You didn't join the CCG yet, but I had this friend, Shinohara, who was my partner." He smiled in his nostalgia, his focus on a place no one could follow. "If it weren't for Shinohara, I would have lost more than just an arm. If it weren't for ghouls, he would be sitting with us today. My closest friend isn't here because of ghouls just like Katsuo, ghouls born and raised to hunt our kind."

Suzuya eyed the man but said nothing, instead finding the barrettes in his hair more interesting.

Haise retorted. "Hunt because they're forced to. There are safer alternatives we could easily establish to ensure ghouls like Katsuo do not need to hunt the streets at night because how else would they feed. After all, I'm still here inside the CCG without needing to search for a suicidal on some desolate road or picking a boy walking by himself on his way home. If it's possible to feed one body, why not another?"

"That could easily work," said Hirako. He sat beside his old mentor, Arima, looking as bored as the other man. "The child ghoul wouldn't need to be killed. It's not as though it's that difficult to feed a few ghouls with Japan's population."

A few gasp and whispers filled the audience. "Did you just-" started Marude, but Hirako only continued.

"The amount of those dying from old age and disease are not few and far in between. Feeding wouldn't be the matter."

Marude groaned. "But what Sasaki is asking for is to allow a ghoul to live and use up resources without anything in return."

"That depends on the end-goal." Akira lent back in her chair. "While Sasaki and I are arguing for restricted experimentation, keeping a child ghoul in the CCG may benefit in other ways."

"Like?"

"An inside man," Haise said.

Haise didn't really expect actual booing, but there went the men of the CCG pointing fingers, some standing and others spitting fouls words to both the half-ghoul and the CCG. Suzuya twirled a quinque dagger and grinned at a man that shouted louder than the rest. He quickly shut his mouth once realizing whose attention he caught.

"You're joking, right?" Marude laughed. "And just who would be able to control this thing. You?"

"It'd be wrong to deny his ability to maintain his composure in spite of a situation," spoke up another from behind Haise. Turning around, the boy spotted the man from the desolated Oshiba squad. Standing up from beside Shirazu was Hayashimura. "The Quinx' , our artificial half-ghouls, wouldn't be as successful in the auction raid if not for Haise Sasaki's training, a half-ghoul himself. Who better to train a ghoul the human world than another ghoul that knows both?"

"Fair enough," Washuu agreed. "A true ghoul on our side? I can promise you this hasn't been done in our wards. Why now would this work?"

"You have me," Haise blatanly put.

"And the Quinx squad," called Shirazu from behind Haise. The other three nodded along with their leader, though hesitantly.

Hayashimura included himself in their little band, as did Akira.

Someone from the back audience stood and spat, "But this thing was raised by ghouls for its first few years. The imprint on it may make diverting its so called 'morals' all the more difficult."

Childish laughter escaped from Suzuya's lips. The men on either side of him in the inner circle lent away. "People are full of surprises, aren't they? Raised by ghouls, raised by humans - whatever the case, they can change. I certainly did." Nothing more needed to be said. Suzuya's past, though kept out of the spotlight as much as possible, filled newbies' conversations. Rumors and truths mixed, but all new the basics: Suzuya was raised by SS rated Big Madam to kill until rescued by the CCG. No other member knew better that salvation existed for anyone and everyone.

Stress only continued to build as time progressed. Few tried to argue with Suzuya's words, but many still poked at Haise's flaws, like his lack of ability to maintain control. Sure, he can fight, but would being around a ghoul tug at the other side of Haise to show up more? Many comments were bizarre and unthoughtful. "A man who couldn't control himself at all times wasn't fit to oversee anther." Akira immediately pointed out the Quinx squad's existence at that idiotic claim.

"But do we really want  _more_   _ghouls_  on the inside of the CCG?" A man questioned from the outer circle behind Marude. "Sasaki Haise, the Quinx Squad - ghouls keep sneaking their way into our ranks, and for what? For them to strike when our pants are down?"

"The Quinx are artificial-"

" _They're ghouls._  They're dangerous and are becoming stronger each day, pushing to new limits. Who is to say they won't fall to the same deadly temptations as other ghouls do and just go cannibal? Or at that point would it be cannibalism or just another species killing humans?"

Haise stood from his seat, the chair screeching as it skid against the tiled floor. Though the room quieted, he did not move, but he kept his glare fixed on the man. "This temptation you speak of? You mean power?" He kept his voice low, and the man nodded vigorously. "I've trained these four, watched them grow in their own ways and as a family. What you're saying is a very human problem as much as it is ghoul - this lust for power. Them being part ghoul in sense does not change them. But I can promise you the Quinx will never, ever, be greedy, revolting, monsters that feed off others despair as I've seen in both the ghoul and human world.  _Do not talk about my squad in such away again."_

The man sat as soon as Haise lifted his gaze from him, his shaking legs giving out. Haise sat too, though keeping his head high, waiting for anyone to object or add in their two cents.

More and more were spat with little to no structure, their disgust obviously in every syllable, but all mouths closed when Arima Kishou cleared his throat. How they managed to hear it over the noise, Haise wouldn't know, but suddenly everything went silent. "This can be easily solved. Many of you fear this ghoul obviously and assume it will get the upper hand while under our own roof, but just as I have with Sasaki Haise, placing a person with a clear head who will not hesitate to deal with the situation if the time comes will solve everyone's problems." Haise understood immediately just how this would work. Arima would oversee both Haise and Katsuo with a blade at the ready, just as it had been since Haise went under his command. Standing as the Washuu golden child, there would be no way Arima wouldn't get his way.

They ended with a vote between the 13 First Class members only. The group left to a separate room to make their decision, leaving Haise and Akira alone at the center table and the audience that spoke in hushed tones. Haise knew many didn't agree with saving a ghoul in spite of age or gain. Too many feared ghouls under their stoic masks.

When a hand rested on his shoulder, Haise expect an aggravated member wanting to put in his two cents, but instead there stood the Quinx squad leader with a lopsided grin. He knelt slightly so as to not tower over Hasie and peered around his shoulder. "I'm sorry, Sassan - for my insensitivity. I understand now, or at least better."

The mentor smiled and accepted by giving the boy's hand at his shoulder a gentle squeeze.

Then they waited. All they needed was seven people to agree with Haise and Akira. Only seven of thirteen. Haise felt like he was in one of those sitcoms, where everything seemed horrible for that one character then suddenly everything they thought was wrong only for it to have been a big misunderstanding. Of course, this wasn't some TV show. People were stubborn and always would be. Haise had mentally prepared himself ahead of time for defeat. This was purely reverse from the CCG's goal.

The door clicked far quicker than anyone expected. Quickly people rushed back to their seats waiting for the final verdict. It was Washuu who announced the ruling.

Eight to five. Katsuo remains with the CCG and forced into testing.

A cheer escaped from Shirazu while no one else made a sound. The boy sat back down instantly at Hayashimura's pull.

Arima read off the circumstances, precautions, and roles for himself, Akira, Haise, and few others concerning Katsuo. Many whispers and grunts and whines filled the room as Washu concluded, but with one glare from Arima, the huddled group dispersed.

Though the decision was made, Haise didn't win over anyone new. Ghouls were still only ghouls - not humans.

* * *

Haise didn't like Cochlea. His time spent there was dull except for the few louder inmates. Staff remained respectable to a point, but while in Cochlea on the other side of the bars after he lost control, Haise was just another ghoul.

That's why Haise was so utterly surprised to find Katsuo not in the regular cell block but in an entirely new built block, still locked up but much more comfortable. It sat apart from the main building as a completely furbished four roomed building. Though with locks on the windows, there sat a fireplace and and empty bookshelf waiting to hold Katsuo's taste when Haise first walked in after receiving permission from the guards. It lacked a kitchen stove or oven, but that was to expected. This included any metal silverware. It felt more like baby proofing, but Haise understood that the boy was still considered an inmate of Cochlea in spite of what the CCG had planned for him.

Carrying a paper bag filled with short stories for a child to read, including a few childhood favorites recommended by Saiko and Shirazu, the young ghoul greeted his new mentor with an unexpected smile.

Carefully, Haise explained the delicate situation of Katsuo's stay. The boy would be treated human as long as he chose to, but if he became aggressive or fought with the guards, there would be only so many chances until the CCG would end this new program. The boy, too young to understand all the big words and demands given to him, simply nodded along and watched his new mentor's shoes. Haise quickly changed the topic.

The two spoke of conditions and the future, including education which a once teacher now CCG member would cover with Katsuo four times a week. The boy brightened at this - schooling, and Haise understood why. Ghouls had to accept that public schools were too easy for them to be found out, and very few ghouls had an education to teach another. What the CCG was giving him was priceless, and they would never understand just how significant this one decision Haise argued for was.

His eyes only brightened more when Haise pulled the books out of the bag and started placing them on the shelf, explaining that they were his now and he could ask for more in time. Only a few were in Kanji. He'd learn soon enough though, as his first lesson started tomorrow.

Haise faltered in his words when Katsuo suddenly hugged him from behind. Though having to strain to hear, he smiled nonetheless, for under the boy's breath he whispered, "Thank you, brother."

* * *

At three in the morning, something hit Haise like a freight train, a thought that quickened his breathing. He fumbled to turn on the lamp beside his bed then stumbled towards his closet. Rummaging past a few items, he pulled the poster board from the back of the closet and set it flat on the floor. Turning on his desk lamp as well, he hoped none of the Quinx heard the clicks of lights or the rummaging.

In the light of only a few weak lamps, Haise pulled his sticky note pad out from the drawers once more along with the red yarn he bought on sale. Tacked onto the board was both Hide and Hinami with a strand of red connecting them. In between in pen wrote " _Family?"_  On another side of the board were news articles from years ago, including CCG raids and aftermaths of buildings. The name remained at the tip of his tongue always. Maybe it started with a "T?" Either way, the bundle of articles sat on their own end with a line of red connecting with Hinami's name. The two seemed to fit oddly together. More lines of red spun to other articles of different raids and different names, like Banjou and Gourmet, Jason to Aogiri with numbers like seven, thirteen, and eleven underneath the name. Serpent and Hide fit together in some bizarre, itching way that Haise couldn't put his finger on.

Like a spiderweb, all things felt connected in some way, either the people had been in the same places or felt connected in some sort of familiarity. No faces, just names and numbers and sensations of warmth or chills written on notes tacked to a board.

On his notepad, he wrote another name he never expected to write on along the ghost of his alleged past. But the more he thought about it, the more it seemed to make , all at the same time, Haise felt sick knowing what the implication could mean.

On the pad, he wrote with shaky fingers " _Touka"_  and placed beside the destroyed buildings by CCG raids.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Katsuo means "Victorious child" for anyone wondering. And Archive Coffee Shop is like this hipster shop in downtown that serves honestly the best hot chocolate.
> 
> I'll be honest and say I'm very bad with knowing which honorifics to use or their implications. So I tend to stick with english words.
> 
> Question: This is your opinion. Do you guys believe Kaneki will survive the end of Tokyo Ghoul:Re? I personally don't think so because of Yoshimura's discussion of "punishment," that in spite of what you do afterwards, you will still have to repay. Anyways, what do you think Kaneki's fate will be?
> 
> Thank you so much for your guy's patience as always. I didn't know how to break this chapter up, so here's the nearly 5,000 word chapter. Another question: your thoughts on OC's. I like to keep them minimal, but was it okay that I made an OC so significant or was that annoying for you guys? Anyways, enjoy your summer whatever is you do. I start working July 1st, so updates will possibly slow down around then. But until that time, I'll write as much as I can!


	14. They Die from Loneliness

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> addressed to all people: Katsuo's presence in the story will be minimal. His existence actually is because of something I noticed in Ishida's story that I explained in the end notes. But for those worrying, don't worry, Katsuo was mainly for that chapter only.

Saiko nudged the man's shoulder once more. "Please?"

"No matter how many times you say it, the answer is no." Haise didn't even raise his eyes from the old newspapers laid out across the coffee table.

He had to give her credit in her determination, however. They'd been at it for two days now on this conversation. "Please?"

"No."

"But why?"

"You can't keep care of an animal. You work-"

"And tend to forget to feed them," added Shirazu, shouting from the kitchen.

Turning around on the couch, Saiko eyed the boy in the door frame."Are you still angry about that  _one_  time?"

"You neglected my hamster when I went to visit my family. For  _four_ _days._ "

"It was fine."

"Chico nearly starved!"

"And that's why Ginshi doesn't have an animal anymore, either," said Haise dryly. "And like him, you lack time and capability with your job and mentality."

"Mentality? I'm old enough to drink."

"That's terrifying," Urie commented. Apparently his music wasn't as loud as it seemed. "She's bad enough without adding alcohol into this."

"Shut up! The point is I'm old enough to take on some responsibility."

Haise sighed. "We'll have to see. Just no right now." He crumbled four of the different pages of newspapers on the table into his hands.

"What exactly are you doing, Maman?"

He hummed. "Oh, just working on an old case for Akira," he lied. "Thought there might be something helpful in news stories, maybe something some news reporters saw that we didn't. It's common routine."

"It feels like Akira just gives you all the work she doesn't want to do."

"Well, you're not wrong," he laughed. "It's fine, though."

"Want any help, Sassan," asked Shirazu, the boy sitting on the chair beside the table with a plate and sandwich balanced in one hand and another he handed off to Urie who accepted without taking his eyes off his phone. He noticed the box beside Haise filled to the brim with old, crumbled and stained papers. "Looks like you'll be here all night."

"I'm fine, thank you. I'm just skimming, really."

Shirazu nodded and went back to his sandwich. Haise regretted bringing the newspapers out into the living room though sitting in his room during the day became all to suspicious in time. Shirazu had already commented before. He rubbed at his eyes. This tedious work was getting him nowhere. Reading every raid by the CCG or fire hardly narrowed his search for any of the names' connection to him.

* * *

He read from his list once more while tugging Saiko behind him. If not his hold, the girl would slip from their group and surely hide in the cafeteria until they finished shopping. "Urie, Mutsuki, head over to Nordstrom for suit and tie wear. Shirazu, new shoes. Check out that new store downstairs. Saiko and I will meet you in a few minutes."

Urie mumbled under his breath something about babysitting which Shirazu had none of. Mutsuki lacked any reaction to his snide comments which Haise never understood. The two were different after the auctino raid, but why they wouldn't tell.

"God, you're embarrassing," murmered Saiko as the group dispersed and the two headed towards their destination.

Her mentor sighed deeply, reading his list again as a nervous habit at this point. "It's not my fault you won't do it yourself." He spotted a map of the whole mall then moved in the direction of the nearest sky bridge. "Y'know, I didn't think when I signed up for this that I'd be forcing my kids into Victoria Secret."

"You're so awkward."

"Awkward because you make it so." After this, they need to go to the market and pick up some more bread and milk, maybe head by :Re and see where they get their coffee. While heading by, Haise just might be able to get a little more insight on -

"Puppies!" The girl yanked her arm out of his grasp and dashed for the window of the mall's many stores, crouching down in front of one with a litter of brown and black swarming to window. Of course. Of course they would pass the pet shop after their discussion just yesterday. He rubbed his eyes. Now wasn't the time.

"Saik-" She ran inside the store before he could finish. "Yonebayashi Saiko!" He groaned, knowing the only way he would get his shopping done would require dragging her out. Even before he stepped into the store, he smelt wet dog, that muck and a forest after rainfall and soiled towel. There were plenty of other things he wished he couldn't smell that reminded him of basic biology class during his training. One unit required dissecting a frog a cat and he nearly threw up. While he could eat humans, animals were disgusting beyond belief. He would know, the CCG had him test it at one point.

In spite of the stench, Haise did not hold his breath and instead acted calm and collected as best as he could. The store was much bigger than he expected, filled with cages and petting areas, small isles for food, leashes, and toys. And of course, Saiko was no where in sight.

"Aye, is that girl yours? The one that ran in here?" The clerk behind the counter glared at Haise with a cigarette in his mouth.

"Yes, just point me to her and we'll be on our way."

The clerk did so and went to the back room. After asking the clerk, he made his way to far end of the shop, passing the caged dogs, cats and lizards without even batting an eye.

And there was Saiko between the rats and and goldfish mumbling to herself about the length of fur. "How is it even breathing?" She pointed to the speckled guinea pig with fur reaching past its feet.

Haise sighed, his mood only worsening. God, he hated shopping."Come on, Saiks, we don't have time."

"But can't we just-"

"No." Haise pulled her by her ear back towards the entrance and nagged over her pleas. "For the last time, you don't need a pet."

And he almost missed it, just by a hair. However, from the corner of his eye, he spotted the gold-orange fur among the black cages separate from the others. Coming to a halt, Saiko bumped into him. The girl only continued her "what ifs" as he focused elsewhere to the lonely body caged alone from anything else.

"Excuse me, they're not meant to be alone."

"I beg your pardon?"

"Rabbits." He pointed to the mass of orange fur in the corner, even kneeling in front of its cage as the rabbit shook. "They can die form loneliness."

The man laughed.

Haise's eyes narrowed at the clerk. "It's true. They need a companion with them at all times. It's considered animal cruelty for them to be alone."

"Just keep talkin', sir, if you plan to buy it, or you could just leave." He nodded to Saiko. "Buy a little gift for your lonely darlin' perhaps?"

Haise rolled his eyes. "Just make sure you put him near other animals."

"Sure sure."

"Why don't we buy it," voiced Saiko at Haise's side. "We could keep him from being lonely.

At that, Haise laughed, but smiled genuinely before declining. "You just want me to let you get a pet. Rabbits need to much attention that you and I simply can't give." His smile faltered. "I couldn't keep care of one." He stuck his fingers in between the cage bars for the rabbit to sniff.

"So are you saying I'm too irresponsible to keep care of anything?"

"Well . . . "

* * *

Shirazu, Mutsuki, and Urie sat in the cafeteria waiting for their mentor and companion, the three focusing on their smoothies rather than making eye contact. That is, until Urie spoke up.

"The hell is taking them?"

Mutsuki hummed. "Probably in a comic book store. Saiko's been going on and on about some new novel, too."

"Novel?" Shirazu said baffled.

"Manga."

"Oh." The boy went back to eyeing Bob's Burgers, debating on it's worth. They still had grocery shopping to do . . .

"I won!" All three heads turned instantly to the familiar voice moreover for the fact her pitch and volume. The whole of the cafeteria eyed Saiko, who held clear bag tied in a knot at the top. They three stood suddenly with mouths open, amazed at her persuasive skills with Shirazu even murmuring a "wow."

Inside of her clear bag was an orange goldfish.

* * *

In the safety of his room, Haise pulled the board and added a line between Hide and Touka, then added beneath their notes something he dreaded to write. Under Touka, he wrote "Rabbit," and Hide "Black Rabbit."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wanted this to just be short and sweet. Did it work? I'm also going to go over and fix a lot of chapter "Child Enemy." I wrote it so quickly and forgot to do so much stuff. So later on, please check it out.
> 
> I had my wisdom teeth pulled and have no idea what the quality of this chapter is. . . I'll care some other day.
> 
> Question: (or more of I just want to hear your thoughts on this) So I noticed back while rereading through TG:Re something interesting about how Ishida pulls reactions from his audience. Going back to where Urie insulted Haise as being just a ghoul, we became so angry that Urie deemed Haise under him because he was a ghoul. We all got so furious along with Shirazu for saying that him being part ghoul made him less of an honorable person. But then I realized during the Auction Raid Arc that what I thought was humans empathetic to ghouls was completely wrong. With Nutcracker, we see Shirazu tell her to stop acting like she's human. I realized that in spite of how close the Quinx are to ghouls in a sense, as they have quinque like Kagunes, kakugans, lived with a half-ghoul mentor, the war between humans and ghouls hasn't changed. In spite of their power to see both the human and ghoul world, nothing has changed. Basically, I'm just curious if you guys agree or disagree, or maybe you noticed something I haven't. I think Ishida is just an amazing writer as he forced us to react in a certain way then make us feel guilty later.


	15. Black Goat's Egg

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Requested by Lipid Creeper as a part of "Kenopsia". (God, I'm so sorry for taking so long to get to finish your request.)

Mutsuki didn't understand his mentor's standpoint. Maybe a maternal instinct overtook him and that lead to a ghoul worming his way into a human heart (human heart, he reminded himself. Haise wasn't a ghoul, but a human in a tragically successful experiment. God, he was sounding more like a romantic). But after seeing Mutsuki moping around the house, Haise offered him to borrow any books from his personal collection. That didn't happen often. In fact, the only person to borrow Haise's books he knew of were Arima and that Katsuo.

Katsuo. The full-ghoul that messing with his mentor's head, meddling with his heart in order to stay alive. Haise's infatuation with this ghoul led to hours of what would Haise's recreational time spent devoted to training and educating it. If he wasn't working on a case or with Katsuo, he was drawing up simple lesson plans, having taken over teaching the ghoul reading and writing. The guy only had enough time to sleep these days, and even that was limited, as he tended to stay awake in the waning hours of the night working on whatever in his room, likely more list and plans and casework he didn't finish because of Katsuo.

Ghouls were more deceptive than he thought.

Either way, thinking too outwardly with a frown on his face and failing to pass Haise's notice, the mentor offered to ease whatever troubled his student so much with a good book. That's why he now sat on the couch with a novel in hand picked randomly off the shelf from Haise's colleciton. He hadn't even read the title though he wish he did. Who titles a book  _Black Goat's Egg_? However, feeling awkward to ask for a different book, Mutsuki took a sip of tea and opened the cover page, skipping the author's note and starting the prologue.

The book started sweetly, with a boy running away from his mother and an alleged unhealthy home life, much like any book based on identity Mutsuki had read, but it continued on in subtle descriptions, where things repulsive as death and blood and gore were romanticized and gluttonous. Black Goat was still killing, a serial killer they've failed to identify. The killer's multiple mentions in conversation, papers, news meant there must be some connection to the main character.  _Black Goat's Egg_. A product of Black Goat? A child of theirs?

"Whatcha readin'?" The book slipped from his hands and into Saiko's who stood over the other She  _closed_  the book to read the cover, losing Mutsuki's page. "Alien book, Muu-chan? Really? I thought you were better than this stuff."

"Saiko," he groaned and rubbed his eyes. "My page. You lost my page."

"54." She flipped through the pages in search of pictures but found none. "Is this a romance between a human and alien, or is it like  _Alien,_  the movie, where everyone's trying to survive from the Xenomorph but this time it's goat experiments?"

"Where do you even come up with this stuff?"

"Internet. Lots and lots of internet." As Mutsuki plucked back the book from his friends hands, she scoffed. "Fine, be that way. Want any cake?"

"Are you making it?"

"Yep!"

". . . Without Haise?"

"I'm not  _that bad. . ._ Usually."

He snorted as Saiko left for the kitchen. "Getting 'Perfect' on all the recipes in Cooking Mama does  _not_  make you Chef Pierre!" He went back to his book with a laugh and flipped to page 54 but didn't start reading immediately. Instead he flipped to the author's note he originally skipped, reading the the possible spoiler warning before closing the book once more. No spoiling. Back to his page, Mutsuki apparently wasn't all too far from his question earlier. The Black Goat and the protagonist were mother and son and shared a peculiar taste in spite of the son's disgust.

It was when the urge wouldn't go away when he fell in love that the son withdrew from everything he worked for so far. His education, his classmates, his job, the one he loved - all of it shielded from the man by his own discipline.

The boy fought it, avoided the thing inside of him crawling to the surface, that same twisted desire to kill. His mother, the Black Goat, loved killing, found some sort of satisfaction at spilling blood, and he, the Black Goat's egg, denied that inherited part from his mother. Inborn to him, the boy fought and cried in the solemn of night with the sickening sweet voice of his mother echoing in his head, but he fought, in spite of that meaning he would need to isolate himself. Whether that meant boosting his medication or scalding his skin on the stove top when his thoughts became dark, he would protect them from himself.

But it wasn't enough, he knew from the very beginning.

"Like the book that much? It's 11:30."

A tap at his shoulder pulled him from knowing if the man would stop himself by none other than Mutsuki's mentor. "Ah, Haise." He looked out the starry sky through the windows before replying. "Oh, I'm sorry, I haven't even done the laundry -"

Haise rolled his eyes. "You're fine, I'm not scolding you. That's one of my favorite author's you're reading from, actually."

"Takatsuki certainly has a way with words, the natural flow of events makes it impossible to put down." He placed a bookmark (only 32 pages to go) before giving his full attention to his mentor. "Did you just get back?"

He nodded, rubbing at an eye absentmindedly. "Yes. Katsuo's doing great. The poor guy's got some rough guards on today's shift. I'm going to see if I can move them elsewhere. He's really absorbing everything like a sponge. If he keeps it up, in a few years Katsuo'll be caught up and even reading books at the complexity of Takatsuki Sen's. There's no stopping him."

Mutsuki nodded along though hardly interested. He wanted to know how the book ended rather than whether or not the ghoul could finally read basic Hiragana or Katakana. If anything, Haise should be saving his energy and sleep if the light purplish-blue indicated anything. When he yawned, the boy sighed. "You should head up, I'll finish soon and we could discuss the ending."

"Ah, sure. Sounds good. I have a question for you, but that can be saved for later. Nothing too serious." He scratched at his face and smiled, heading towards the kitchen for a cup of coffee before halting in the entryway, moaning and placing his hands over his face, murmuring Saiko's name.

Oh. The cake. Mutsuki stood beside his mentor before repeating the other's actions. "How do you even get cake batter on the  _ceiling?_ "

"This is cake?" He sniffed and pearing at the charcoal mess in a square pan. Though the edges were charred, the middle was gutted out though not without half of it littering the counter in puffs of yellow cake. "So much for sleep." With no chance of waking Saiko, no matter how hard they shook her, Haise started his search for a mop and towels.

At that, the guilt swarmed Mutsuki until he finally said, "I can clean it up. It's fine."

"Are you sure?" Haise hardly fought his suggestion, meaning he was truly,  _really_ tired.

He nodded. "Of course. You need the sleep more than me."

And truly he did. With his mind and body moving all day from five to eight every day, even spending weekends and breaks between cases to teach the ghoul other things like music, coffee-making, and games, the fact Haise hadn't fallen asleep in a meeting astounded the team. Shirazu helped where he could with Katsuo and being the only one. The others, like Mutsuki, still hadn't agreed with Haise's decision but went along with it anyhow, as their squad leader would glare holes into the back of their heads if not.

Mutsuki didn't get it, how Haise could spend so much time with a ghoul, knowing vaguely what they did to him - the surgery, robbing him of his life, changing him into a weapon against his ex-species. The boy shivered, recalling his own experiences with ghouls. Torso, Chopper -  _their eyes._  The bile rose in his throat at the thought. They always had their own goals and didn't care who stood in the way, willing to crush or manipulate to get what they want.

"If you're not feeling well, it's fine for me to stay down here for a while longer," Haise commented, pulling his student from his thoughts.

"Ah, no, really. Head to bed."

"If you're sure."

Mutsuki nodded. "Sleep." At that, they departed, with Mutsuki scraping dried batter off the ceiling and mopping what fell on the floor. The pan would have to soak until morning. Dammit, if Saiko wasn't such a heavy sleeper.

By the time he finished, he arms ached and eyes drooped. But instead of heading for the stairs, in spite of being almost one in the morning, Mutsuki put on a pot of coffee and retrieved his book from the living room only to perched himself on the counter, leaning to the side on the wall.

From there he read on with half-lidded eyes, starting with everything not being enough. He craved it as heroin addict did for their next fix, his body begging for anything, just a small rush,  _just a taste._

Mutsuki only paused to pick up the pot of coffee, drinking directly from it.

The Black Goat's egg couldn't hold it back when she came knocking on his door, demanding to know why he refused to take any of her calls or show up to work. He stupidly left a key in the little cat statue beside his door which she used. From their, the urges became worse the louder she became, the more he felt her warmth, smelt her perfume, tasted the salt on his lips, then her blood.

It was too swift, no time to struggle or scream. Red soaked the rug she bought at the flea market for him, coated his hands pale hands she said were thin and strong much like a pianist, dying his lips the same shade as her lipstick. And he wept, kissing still warm lips, weeping into her shoulder as he held her through the night until authorities knocked on his door. He wept for his weakness, for not controlling it, that voice of his mother's that rewarded him in praise. He wept for living, for not being strong enough to protect the ones he loved, for not ending himself before this could happen.

And last, he wept for being born. Guns drawn, the man halted all tears and sobs when cold metal clasped his hands behind his back. He lived and loved, and then destroyed.

Days later, the man was executed with only his mother's melodic voice scolding him for being sloppy.

That was it. In the delicate approach of Takatsuki Sen, the life of the Black Goat's little egg followed its mother's footsteps in spite of how much he fought his nature. Mutsuki read the last page again and again before holding the book to his chest. There wasn't a rainbow at the other side, an end where the man gets the girl of his dreams or finds the right medication to make life bearable. Execution, and nothing more. To the public, just a man who killed his girlfriend. Never would they know how long  _he fought_ , how much he loved her, what he did to protect her. His old friends would only know him as the killer now, not the man that fixed their computer the first time the met, or the man who patiently tutored his peers instead of finishing his own work, and neither the man whose walls fell when he met  _her._

Mutsuki didn't understand such a tragedy, why the man could only prolong but never stop the Black Goat that plagued and bent his mind to its own accord, destroying whatever it touched, collapsing the simple life the man worked so hard for. It made no sense why,  _couldn't_ understand why he succumbed to it, why he couldn't control it like he himself controls his emotions. He stood on shaky legs before heading towards his bedroom with book in hand until finding the safety of his thick duvet and pulling it over his head. In the light only a bedside lamp, he reread the intro while laying on his stomach, searching for anything but finding nothing. Medication played a large part, but that should have helped, or so Mutsuki thought.

Then he remembered. The author's note.

Flipping to the first pages, he quickly found the author's note and searched for his answer only to feel his stomach twist. Written as Takatsuki's inspiration, the reason for writing a story about a man who couldn't control the craving for spilt blood that inherited from his mother, was because of the ghoul population.

* * *

"Morning, team," Haise greeted as he passed the dining table. Ginshi and Saiko gave only a short greeting before going back to glaring at each other at the table, sizing each other up while holding their dinner plates to their chest. What for, he didn't know and didn't ask. He moved to the kitchen for breakfast until hearing the crackle of something frying.

"Good mor - Ah, Tooru, you didn't have to cook."

"It's fine! Coffee's ready, too, if you want any," Mutsuki replied over his shoulder, moving the scrambled eggs and bacon in their respectable pans at the stove. "Are those two still glaring at each other?"

"Yah, what for?"

"For the first serving," Urie answered from his spot on the counter tops, nursing a cup of coffee. God, that sounded  _really_  good right now. He rubbed at his eyes, grinning beneath his hand for a moment.

"Thank you, guys."

* * *

As their Saturday finally started with filled stomachs, the group departed for their own leisure activities, whether that meant a day in the garage or out on the town. Haise and Mutsuki, natural home-bodies, found themselves in the living.

"I finished the book last night," Mutsuki chimed a bit louder than he meant. "I - It was so good."

"Was the ending okay? I know it's pretty dark, but I think it got its message across better with his death."

Mutsuki nodded. "It was really well done. While I'm happy, the ending was still good, I think, made me think."

"Oh?"

"Just gave a different perspective I always refused to look through."

His mentor nodded. "Agreed. It's why Takatsuki is one of my favorite authors. Her works force you out of your comfort zone and walk in someone else's shoes. If I could, I'd put this on the reading list for the CCG program." He drew his legs up and onto the couch, a position he only sat in when it was just the Quinx. It made him look younger, Mutsuki thought. "So, did you read the author's note?"

"I did."

"Did it make you change your opinion on the book at all?"

He thought for a moment before answering. "It made it easier to understand, I think. I mean, I didn't know why he couldn't control it. But once I read the author's note, . . . It made the book more intimate in a way, personal. Like, this actually happens, and there's no controlling it." He scratched his cheek warily. "It made me realize I was wrong."

Haise studied him for a moment before asking, "You mean . . . about ghouls?"

"Yah." He wanted his mentor to see the sincerity, focusing on Haise and every twitch, searching for his reaction. "Listen, I've been very unhelpful with Katsuo and should have helped with the workload. You've been busy enough before adding another thing to your list." Mutsuki pulled his hair back from his face. Before Haise could try to reassure him, he continued. "But I haven't done such because of my own prejudice. It was stupid of me to ever think myself different from a ghoul, now or even before the surgery."

His mentor nodded along, choosing his words before speaking. "I . . . I think I was like you, too. But after living as a half-ghoul, which really just means ghoul at this point, I realized the only difference between myself and the average ghoul is that I had support. Akira and Arima treated me as an equal and ignored the other members' comments and threats when I first started out. The four of you have treated me with respect in spite of my nature, and I'm forever grateful for all of you."  _More than you'll ever know._  "Speaking of the past, I have a question for you."

"Of course," Mutsuki said almost instantly.

He paused. "Remember when we first visited :Re?"

How could he forget that awkward hour? What with his mentor eyeing the waitress like he'd never seen anyone more beautiful then tearing up at the taste of his coffee? He replied questioningly, "Yes?"

"I have a theory, but I wanted a second opinion from someone I trusted to keep it between us." He smiled, though Mutsuki knew he was watching every twitch the boy made. "May I trust you?"

Oh, god, he really did have a crush on the girl and was too shy to just ask her out. Mutsuki understood now why Haise would choose him and not the other Quinx who would surely make fun of him or use it against him later. And from what he knew, Akira and Arima no next to nothing about dating, as neither have been on a date since Mutsuki worked under them. Of course, Mutsuki lacked any experience, too, but nonetheless he nodded to his superior.

"Do you think I knew Touka before that day, the waitress?"

 _Oh._  "What makes you say that?"

Pulling at at a flaw at the cuff of his shirt, he shrugged. "It's just this feeling I get, like I had someone at least like her in my life - before the CCG."

Meaning when he was a wanted ghoul. In spite of the time they shared the same walls, Mutsuki new only the minimum of Haise's past, only what Akira assumed necessary or what came up while in the field from triggers. Based off of what he witnessed, the past was best buried. With that in mind, the idea of him knowing such a sweet girl just didn't fit in the mental image Mutsuki created. But at the same time, his reaction that day, like his world became just a little bit brighter - or more confusing. The two tended to mix. He voiced only a simple "Maybe."

"Does it sound too far-fetched?" At his question, he met Mutsuki's eyes, his eyes strained, searching desperately for something,  _anything._

"No." In spite of his better judgement to simply devoid Haise from the idea of Touka being in his life once, he saw it. He saw it in their shared smiles when they go to lunch, as if sharing an inside joke, when Haise grew distracted while nursing his coffee lost in far off memory, or most likely a feeling rather than full memory. "No, it's not far-fetched. Have you ever asked her?"

"No." His eyes widened ever so slightly as he answered far too quickly. "No, that could end badly if I'm right."

Mutsuki understood. If Haise knew her back when he was Kaneki, then she just might be more than a waitress. As he had yet to meet a person from his past that was simply human, revealing Touka could only spell disaster. And if she became aggressive . . .

But if Haise graded her so highly, then maybe, just maybe, she was more than just a ghoul.

"I still think you should ask her, just subtly if you get the chance. That or figure out her real name." If she was really a ghoul that once ran with Kaneki, then she likely went by a different alias when she left the ward.

He nodded though kept his mouth shut, focusing once more on the fray in his shirt. "I don't want this to end badly."

"I know. So what are you going to do."

"I don't know."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hopefully this turned out alright. I figured since Mutsuki has yet to have a pleasant experience with ghouls that it would justify his initial opinion of Katsuo. Because it was getting too long, the answer to Haise's choice will show up in a later chapter.
> 
> I looked towards Kafka's Metamorphosis and Dazai's No Longer Human for inspiration to the Black Goat's Egg.
> 
> So, what will happen to our lovely Haise and Touka? I'll be honest and say I'm excited and terrified by what you might say. Anyways, please leave a review/comment. Ask any questions you wish, or if there are major mistakes/flaws, feel free to point them out. I'm still open for suggestions/requests if you wish to leave something (I just take forever to fulfill them).
> 
> If you celebrate it, enjoy Independence day, and if not, have a pleasant Saturday!


	16. Switched Roles

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello! sorry for following off the face of the earth, but work got in the way along with other stuff. And then the chapter I planned with Uta fell apart with Ishida's updates, so yah. I spat this out even though I wanted to save this for when I ended this series in stead of doing my summer homework (someone want to write 10 essays on college prompts?). Oh well!
> 
> Requested by BriEva on AO3 (you inspired me)

In full honesty, she never expected herself in front of these doors without her Maman with her. If told she would visit Cohlea under her own will, she would have laughed. She hated it - hated the chilled, heavy air, her own footsteps ringing alongside the moving gates, the itch of something behind her. Haise only brought her for the first time during her training days and never again. Of course, now with Katsuo, Haise had voiced here and there encouragement to look over the grim atmosphere. It never went anywhere, and only Shirazu and Mutsuki accepted his small request.

Saiko would be staying away from ghouls, thank you very much. After the Auction Raid and the missions Shirazu dragged her on, Saiko wouldn't be getting chummy with one even if it offered her Comic-Con passes.

But alas, Saiko found herself at Cochlea not for Katsuo, but for another ghoul that found itself to be another project of Haise's. She went through standard procedure: ID, scanners, stating business, second glances at ID, more explaining in which Saiko snap for the guards not to waste her time. Very few had access to Number 745 AKA Yotsume , but you would assume being a Quinx  _and_  a part in the ghoul's capture (indirectly) that they would learn not to mess with her.

Gates, gates, and more security. A guard at last led her to a room with only a chair and one glass panel. Beyond the glass was like looking at a mirror - a bland room with only a shaky chair. The walls were the same pasty white as she remembered. "2 hours," the officer said before leaving her alone with only a camera's flashing red light in the corner near the door to company her. She didn't sit but waited where the guard left her. The room was too cold, again.

A small part of her told her to turn around and leave, that all this pointless. Really, she came here on her day off on an impulse. It's not as though she knew what to say or how to react to any answered questions anyway. In truth, Saiko feared the answers, that they were true or worse than her original thoughts. Could she ever look at Haise the same-

The door on the other side of the glass opened softly and out came the chained ghoul, eyes downcast and her bare feet pattering on the concrete floor. Maybe she felt the same chill. Without a word, the ghoul took a seat and only looked up then. "Oh, you're not Big Brother," is all she said.

Feeling awkward, Saiko took the other seat and somehow managed to cross her legs on to the chair in spite of the little space. "Yotsume? You know Maman."

The other girl eyed Saiko, eyes soft but her smile strained. "Maman? You're mother?"

"Haise Sasaki."

"Ah." At that, the corners of her mouth loosened, relaxing ever so slightly. "Yes, I knew you're Maman. Did he send you?"

"No. I just have a few questions for you," Saiko stated. The sentence felt all too cliche, like this was the beginning of one of the tuesday dramas Haise watched with her (or where he watched and she played her games in the living room next to him). Nonetheless, the ghoul said nothing and waited for the investigator to push through the interrogation. From what Saiko understood, only Haise and Arima have interrogated Yotsume. With no surprise, the female ghoul had gone rigid, prepared for any bribe or threat.

But Saiko wouldn't be doing that, not for what she wanted. "Was he-" Saiko waved her hand at trying to find the right words. "What was your importance to him?" When the ghoul didn't immediately answer, Saiko added, "What was your relationship?"

"Family, like a brother, obviously. The home I was in tended to have that affect if you stayed long enough."

Number 745 said it with no threat, but the speed of her words led Saiko to wondering. She had to keep it casual, so pulled at a strand of hair, pulling the split ends apart, appearing distracted and disinterested. "I mean more of as why."

The ghoul frowned, but answered, "He saw me as a little sister after my mom's death." She opened her mouth to add on but closed it. Then again, she added, "Kaneki was there for me. Nothing in this world could make up for what he did for me back then, him just being there in spite of everything."

Saiko nodded at the response, knowing all to well the way her Maman always lingered just in reach when he sensed something wrong with her or any person, really. A solid rock during the storm.

"Is he alright, Miss?"

Saiko looked up at the ghoul, surprised to be addressed and sat up in her chair. "Call me Saiko."

"Saiko," The ghoul tried the name on her tongue. "Is Big Brother okay?"

"Why do you ask?"

"You wouldn't be asking otherwise."

God, Saiko was doing worse than she thought. She didn't know if to answer or simply ignore the question. However, a small part of simply said who cares? The girl in front of in administered CCG prisoner clothing with non-clad feet could do little with any information Saiko gave. After all, what evil intents could a young girl have? "He's fine," Saiko settled. "I just worry. The guy causes as much stress as he bears."

Yotsume watched her from beyond the glass yet saw every detail of the investigators face. She likely saw the weight of worrisome nights on the too young investigator's shoulders, the puffy, blue skin beneath her eyes just above her cheeks that still held that baby fat. There was no lie behind the simple slip of personal information Saiko gave. Genuine affection was not easy to find, not where the ghoul had found herself, not in the depths of Aogiri Tree or Cochlea. In other words, the ghoul learnt weariness around any sort of "sympathy." But with this investigator, the truth was written all over her face.

The investigator before her did not fidget, yet her eyes seemed troubled. "Saiko, is . . ." She bit her lip. "Is my Big Brother well with you? Is he in good hands?"

At first, Saiko didn't understand. A ghoul asked her if her Maman was safe with them with that face, like her Maman, her teacher and surrogate mother, wouldn't obviously be safe. Of course he was safe, safe from the ghouls and cruelties that destroyed any normalcy he once had. The guy lived under the CCG for years now and had the support of the agency's Shinigami himself. Why wouldn't he be, she nearly asked aloud before biting it back. If she learnt anything from Haise and his past was that he held his cards close. So did Arima and Akira. They held their tongues when the Quinx were in earshot, she knew.

But that didn't mean other members did. There were some things she would never forget, back when she first fell under Haise's command.

"I like to believe so," Saiko answered honestly. "The people around him - they love and support him."

The two stared at one another, one searching for any lie, the other for an emotion she could work with. Though Saiko may be the lazy one of the squad, it didn't mean she couldn't read people. She even read once that the laziest people are the smartest. Just look at Steve Jobs, Zuckerberg-

Off track.

"Don't get me wrong, we got our prejudice just like any other, but we stand up when he won't." That's something that always bothered her, how he never fought back the remarks or harassment. It wasn't uncommon for Shirazu to lose his cool and say a few colorful words to the lower ranking members and students. Though Haise would reprehend him, Saiko swore she'd seen Haise's lips quiver into a smile on more than one occasion while Mutsuki and her pulled him to the nearest coffee shop. Saiko shook her head. "A friend's gotten in to plenty of fights for our Maman. He's too kind for his own good."

"Big Brother's stubborn," Yotsume agreed. "But that's what makes him so admiring. I remember when he would always meddle, and he never cared if he became someone's punching bag if it meant someone else wouldn't be hurt."

Yotsume startled at the snort from the other girl, startling her. "Sorry. I just thought of something." Saiko covered her mouth only to laugh even more. "Sorry, it's just that Maman's only gotten worse. Y'know Arima Kishou? The two of them - oh my god - of all the people in the CCG to pick a fight with, he chooses to argue with the Shinigami over what reality show to watch. Maman for Project Runway and Arima for the Kardashians. If Akira hadn't stepped in, I swear they would have taken the fight outside. To top it off, Mu-chan hides all the remotes when he visits."

Saiko only billowed louder but this time along with a softer, controlled laugh.

"And don't get me started on him and Akira. I know he's a ghoul and can heal with no issue, but sooner or later those 'Mado kicks' are gonna be too much."

As instant as the glimmer had appeared in Yotsume's eyes, so did the blood rush from her face. "They hurt him?" At that, all the laughter ended abruptly.

"No, no," Saiko started, holding her hands in front of her as if to assure a scared animal. "It's just play. Akira's play, but she loves him like a son."

The girl blinked. "Ah."

The two went silent, neither looking at the other, both finding interest in there shoes or lack of. Saiko silently cursed herself as she realized any progress she made had just slipped out of her hands in one unfiltered comment. The chances of getting her answer were slim now, as the ghoul looked as though a tiny cell would be better than sitting across from the investigator.

"What is your Maman like?"

For a moment, Saiko didn't understand what the girl had asked. Her Maman, she had said. "Hmm . . . Compassionate? He cooks and cleans and cares more than my own mother ever did."

"Good coffee?"

"Ha! He's the one that got me addicted."

"Pets ever stray cat he passes?"

"I think he takes us on scenic routes just so he can find more cats to name. At least he smells more like a dusty book than a stray."

"I always loved that about him. Always a nose in a book. He even taught me to read. . . " The corners of her mouth perked up, her gaze somewhere Saiko would never know. "May I ask something of you?"

While a small part of her told her not to make any promises, Saiko nodded. "Sure."

"Big Brother, Kaneki - he always had a knack for trouble. Always the martyr huh?"

Yotsume waited for Saiko's permission to continue. Though something stung at the back of her mind, the girl nodded once more. "Some things never change."

"Take care of him, okay? I . . . was too weak when I lost him. I hope you don't lose him as I did. Be there for him when I can't."

Saiko couldn't help but stutter. The words just wouldn't form, not after such a request. "I. I - yah. Yes." Eyes wide and hands twisting in to the fabric of her coat, Saiko took a breath to calm herself. "Yes."

Saiko's question finally had an answer without Saiko's force to extract it. Instead, it came to her through a soft smile, sad eyes, and a gentle mouth. She had her answer.

Her Maman was loved. Yotsume loved him when Haise was the most lost in his life of eighteen years.. He wasn't simply used and put away wet and torn as Saiko feared, as Akira made it sound. She still remembered the investigator's words when Haise stayed with Arima back when Haise had a flashback of some sort. The look on his face, his gaze a thousand miles away from them and his mouth formed in a scream that never left his throat. Saiko could have sworn there was blood on his hands from scratched around his ears.

But from an unlikely bunch of ghouls, Haise had the support, had people standing up for him when he wouldn't.

To hold him back when he tried to throw himself away for the sake of another.

"Thank you," Saiko said before standing and leaving the baffled girl, not knowing what she did to earn such kindness from a ghoul investigator.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So sorry for my absence. Due to work, more work, camping trips, and summer homework (who decides to make teens write 10 essays over the summer? I'm not exaggerating. 10!), it's been a little hard being either awake enough or in the mood to write anything.
> 
> BUT I did read the new chapter of D GRAY MAN. IT'S BACK BABY. Was anyone else sobbing? LIKE GROTESQUE LAUGHTER AND CHOKING AND SQUEALING. Thank god no one was home during this. (For those who don't know what D Gray Man is, it was on the list as top 50 most sold manga series in Japan, got 103 episodes (don't waste your time with the english dub), and went on a 2 year hiatus because of the mangaka's health. A favourite of mine due to its art (the newest chapter - oh my god. And the art only gets better the farther you read) and overall story telling. While the beginning is criticized for using common character tropes, it's praised for its moments of originality and beauty. It's still addictive and will later be more than you ever expected. A must read.)
> 
> Hopefully, I'll update by Sunday (don't quote me on it). Thank you for your patience!


	17. The Surrogate

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: Abuse. It's minimal but I thought it might be appropriate to mention it.

Haise never met them. Sure, their files held everything related to their life prior to taking them under his wing, with the occasional medical and police report, but he merely skimmed through it and awaited for the kids to open up to him instead. While it sounded sweet in his head, this left him in the dark for a lot of instances. For one, visiting day came as a surprise.

* * *

None found dreamless sleep the night prior, not the kids nor their mentor. Haise feared to make a bad impression, feared that if they were anything like their children, getting them to open up would take more than a day. Now that he looked back on their first meeting, the Quinx likely thought him to be a loon. Wouldn't blame them, really, with all the cheezy puns and jokes to try to ease the conversation only making things more awkward.

That's why he spent a good part of the night making notes on his little closet hobby. The board before him lacked any wasted space and was packed with different articles and list of names that he swore he never heard before while a part of the CCG.

Removing the tacks from both "Hinami, sister" and "Yotsume", held the two in his hand. Reluctantly, he scrapped Yotsume and instead wrote the name beside Hinami. How bizarre to think the girl one once deemed their sister now sat in the jail cell they put them in.  _He_ put her in there. Scratching out "sister," Haise set the note back in its place on the board. By a simple glance, if his judgement was correct and Yotsume truly is Hinami, it was obvious Hinami couldn't be biologically related. He wondered if he was wrong about this Hide person also, that they were not connected by blood either. But in spite of such thought, Haise hesitated to scratch out the simple word. If he did, then Haise would be back to having no family.

Of course, maybe his mother simply didn't want him.

Oddly enough, fairly quickly Haise understood that many things were best left forgotten. Though some incidents could end quite violently when he remembered an unwanted memory, there were everyday triggers that made him rigid, but only a few would ever notice as he quickly collected himself. Arima being one of them. The man once shared his concern but quickly dropped it when Haise refused him an answer.

Some things like the warmth of a mother's hand around his throat were best not mentioned.

* * *

Though Haise wanted to arrive early, the house took its time rising. With little talk and feet shuffling across the chilled floor, their mentor only sighed and let them be. Maybe they dreaded this visit as much as him. Of course, this idea of "visiting day" was a fairly new concept for the Quinx at least. Years prior they were on missions and had missed this event, a perk to being the "new blood." During visiting day, families were invited by the organization for a dinner a view of the work their spouses and parents put into protecting their country. Then a few awards, plenty of greetings and chatter - though that would only be second hand knowledge from Haise. He too never went in spite of Akira's persistence.

But now was better than ever to finally meet the parents of the kids. They probably had a lot of questions about their kids' safety and gain their trust. When it came down to it, he wouldn't blame them for their discomfort in the knowledge their child's mentor happened to be a ghoul. Haise spent a good chunk of the morning waiting in the kitchen, leaning against the counter next to the plates of now cold eggs and toast. Today was not the day to test his patience.

Did anyone even wake Saiko? he questioned, and in a panic he hurried to the stairs to the top floor, knocking on the girl's door harsher than he initially meant. "Saiko?" When he heard the soft huff of a sigh through the door, he added, "Saiks, we need to get going soon. Are you ready?"

"Can I come in?" he asked when no one answered. Once more, at the lack of a response, Haise covered his eyes with a hand, the other twisting the knob for him to inter. "Decent?"

"Yah."

Haise dropped his hand to side and took in the girls' room. Clothes, stacks of games, trinkets and plushies from conventions and the occasional rapper piled itself in different corners of Saiko's room. Some of it would be on the floor and other on top of the dresser or vanity table. Haise couldn't even tell if anything had moved since the last time he came in here. The girl he searched for sat at the chair in front of the vanity table, still in pajamas and hair tangled and pulled in to a sort of half bun that Saiko was trying to take out with little care.

"Saiko, what are you doing? We need to get going. . ." The girl only pulled harder at the knot she created with her hair, teeth bared. "Do . . . you need help?"

Hissing in pain as the brush pulled out a clump of hair, she mumbled, "No," though Haise only moved further in to the room and behind the girl's chair and put his hand over hers, the one holding the brush.

"Just let go."

And she did, though reluctantly. Contrasting from Saiko, her mentor started from the bottom of her hair, the tangles coming out much smoother with gentle persuasion. "Are you okay," he asked looking through the mirror. He pulled her bangs out of her eyes before setting down the brush.

"'Mm fine. Just didn't sleep."

He nodded to himself, beginning to take the hair from the sides of her head at the start of a braid. "To see your family?"

"It's been so long since I've seen my brother. Wonder if he'll even recognize me."

"I'm sure he's proud of what you've been doing. For your family, I mean."

In the pregnant pause between Saiko's reply, Haise finished the French braid.

"He's probably angry I left him with them."

"Wait, what do you mean-" Haise started to ask, but Saiko had already closed the door to her bathroom door.

* * *

The Quinx dropped their usual work clothes for attire a bit more welcoming. The boys wore ties, though every few minutes Haise would have to fix Shirazus as he would loosen it whenever the mentor wasn't looking. Haise didn't ask about what Saiko meant even after she joined the group at the car in a dress and heels. He didn't even know she owned heels.

"I have a feeling she tripped down the stairs," Shirazu murmered to Mutsuki who only gave his squad leader a playful shove before getting in the car.

The five headed off to the CCG, a heavy silence in the car ride there in spite of Haise's occasional attempt to start a conversation. None of them took the bait and instead found the view outside the windows more appealing.

Haise spoke up as he found a place to park. "Best behavior, kids. I know you're seeing family and all, but the Washuus will be here - at least for the award ceremony."

Saiko had already opened the car door with Mutsuki and Shirazu trailing behind. Urie, in the passenger seat beside Haise, crossed his arms and huffed. "Why exactly do I have to be here? It's not like anyone will be showing up for me."

"Not true. Akira is here for you." When the boy said nothing, Haise could only smile. "As much as you want to deny it, she sees you as her kid, too."

Opening his door, Urie only stood and fixed his suit. "Let's just get this over with."

* * *

Urie didn't even look towards the boy but instead searched the crowd. "Not in the mood for your pity."

Mutusuki popped a grape in to his mouth then waved the small plate of finger foods in front of the other's nose. Mutsuki had been watching Urie all day and not once had he eaten anything. "They got pepper jack, your favorite."

Though he scowled, the smell was almost intoxicating. "How would you know," Urie asked, finally looking at his subordinate before taking a cube of pepper jack off the offered plate. There wasn't an easy way to get away, so he sighed and lent back against the wall, waiting for Mutsuki to stop talking and hush for the rest of the night when he didn't respond.

"Because you're hard to miss."

"Wh-" Urie began to sputter. "What's that supposed to mean, idiot?" At that Urie took the entire plate from his bizarre companion.

"N- nothing at all," the boy beside him started to laugh before it turning in to a cough. "My family's a no-show, so it looks like I'm stuck with you." The boy scratched at his chin, not making eye contact.

He had read Mutsuki's file. For a second time, Urie found himself nearly coughing at his subordinate's words but regained his composure much quicker. "That's some dark humor for you, Tooru," he managed to croak. From what Urie could recall, Mutsuki's family, parents and brother, were killed by ghouls when the boy was still in junior high. Though Mutsuki never talked about them, they meant greatly to him. This side of Mutsuki never shown before, Urie knew. "If you're thinking of competing with Shirazu and me in sarcasm. . . You might just tie up with us rather quickly."

As a waiter passed by carrying a tray of champagne glasses, Urie grabbed two before handing the other to his companion. Though the two were underage, Haise prior to the event said that it was expected for them to share a toast. No more than two glasses. "It always seems like parties bring out the darker side of us, and I hadn't even started drinking," Mutsuki said with little attention on the boy beside anymore and instead on the drink. He tipped his head back and in only a few gulps finished the glass. "Did I tell you I hate parties?"

Urie actually snorted. "Wow, we actually have something in common."

"Who would have thought."

Finding the bubbly liquid enticing, Urie too tipped his head back. "Yah."

* * *

"I'm just glad we don't have to work," Haise joked with his superior.

Akira only smiled into her glass. "Keep talking like that and you can spend Christmas reorganizing Arima's files." At the threat, man paled drastically, knowing just how traumatic the experience was last time he was punished for his big mouth. While Arima gave off this air of total order, and nothing in his home stood out of place, his filing cabinets were a different story. Seeing how Haise's inner turmoil left him sputtering for a comeback, Akira turned to the girl beside her once pupil. "I like your dress, Saiko. You look like a nice young lady."

The girl only tugged at the sides of her dress and crossed her arms over herself. "Thank you."

"Your family should be here by now. Do you see them anywhere?"

Saiko had been mostly quiet since her arrival, pulling at her dress occasionally and finding it easier to wait near her maman and food table. "No - maybe." she said as she looked at the crowd. "Brother's not here, so-"

In seconds a Saiko found light and air limited as arms wrapped around her and crushed her. "Saiko, sweetie." The woman let go only to slap lightly at the girl's cheeks. "How's my darling?" The woman that quickly invaded the space of Haise shared the same hair color as her daughter. With wide hoop earrings and multiple dangling chains on both wrist, Haise assumed it all to be real silver based off the smell alone. Though still short, she wore tall heels she strode in with ease as though she'd been raised around such elegance all her life.

"Ma." Though hesitant, Saiko brushed off her mother's hands. "Ma. Where's Kichirou?"

"Ah, we haven't spoke in a while, huh? He's been transferred to work with that CCG branch up north." By up north, her mother meant outside Southern Japan's 13 wards and instead with the Northern branch. "He's making apparently a decent amount of money, but not like my Saiko-dear!"

For a second too long, Saiko let her composure fall, the disappointment clear just enough for her mentor to easily read.

At some point Akira had stepped away, leaving the child, mother, and nervous mentor to their own accord. Haise coughed, "Ah, Miss, you must be Saiko's mother? I'm Sasaki Haise, her mentor." He gave her hand which she shook a little to animatedly.

"So you're Sasaki? My Saiko's been with you for over a year now and you haven't been able to bring her to a higher rank?"

Oh god. "Ma, it's fine," Saiko said softly without looking at her mother's sour face.

"No, he's probably set it all up so he gets all the glory." Saiko only rolled her eyes at her mother's hostility which her mother quickly corrected by a hand on her daughter's shoulder.

Haise's eyes went wide and lifted his hands in surrender. He tried to speak. "That's not-"

She took her daughters hands in hers and positioned her body to block Haise from Saiko's sight."How much more would you make with a promotion, sweetie?" Mrs. Yonebayashi asked. "Your papa and I would love to finally move in to that bigger house I showed you a while back? We're almost there, Saiks, I can smell it."

Saiko only looked nervously at of the corner of her eye as if begging him not to leave.

"-and in a few months your papa and I are going on a road trip after your promotion."

"Will Kichirou join us?"

Her mother stopped and finally took a breath. "Us?"

When she began to stutter, she once more grasped the sides of her dress."Y'know, you, me, and Pops for a trip."

"Oh, honey, you're not coming with us."

"Oh."

"Who else would make the money, hun? Sasaki, dear, go grab us drinks, will you?"

Never was there a better escape from an awkward conversation than that. "Of course. One moment."

* * *

"At least Ginshi's having fun," Mutsuki pointed out to which Urie turned his attention to the crowd. At a table, Shirazu sat with his siblings making faces and laughing, the youngest on his lap. The smiles were real, Urie noticed in spite of the distance. To top it off, the father was no where to be seen which could really be seen as either good or bad. Though if the man was to be in Shirazu's line of sight, there sure would be some inhumanly loud arguing.

Urie scoffed, "What a mother." This just might be good blackmail.

"I think it's sweet. I haven't seen my brother since we were put under CCG custody."

Urie eyed the boy beside him, enticed by the information just out of his grasp. Never had Mutsuki mentioned his brother. "How old?"

"Fifteen. He's one of the brooding, silent sarcastic type." Mutsuki smiled in to his drink. "Remind you of anyone?"

"Any reason why the two of you aren't joining the party?"

The two of the Quinx Squad turned to their mentor, one's eye wide as he still held a drink in hand.

"You kind of need family for this stuff, which is why we should be allowed to leave," answered Urie swiftly.

"Which is why Akira, Arima and I are taking the two of you out for a family breakfast tomorrow. Sorry, you're not getting out of this." Haise looked over at a particular part of the crowd. "See Saiko and that woman? That's her mom."

"As if the hair wasn't a give away," Urie mumbled under his breath.

"Has Saiko said anything about her or their relationship before?"

Mutsuki thought for a moment before answering. "Not really. It seems like her mom means a lot to her. I mean, she forced me to shop with her for that dress and shoes, and they didn't come cheap."

Haise nodded and watched the pair. "You two doing okay?"

Urie only rolled his eyes. "Don't worry about us, Mom," Mutsuki said playfully. "We'll probably kidnap Ginshi's siblings in a while anyways."

"Just not when you're drunk, please. That'll be hard to explain." Before Mutsuki could even protest, the glass was out of his hands, and Haise made his way to find Akira.

Mutsuki could only smile after his mentor. "Random question: do you think Haise's ever thought of marrying and having kids?"

That smile was contagious. "Why would he ever do that? He has us, doesn't he?"

* * *

It's not as though there were as many guest as expected. Finding Akira next to Arima nonetheless, Haise hardly gave his greeting before asking his question. "Akira, what do I do?"

The pleasant thing about Akira is that nothing had to explained. She simply knew. "Did you even read the file?"

"I see it as violating their privacy. They don't need another person reading everything about them without their consent. Besides, Saiko would open up to me if there was something wrong."

"Typical of you, Haise. Well, I suggest you don't leave them alone for long. They have a very shaky relationship."

"How so?" He knew that Mrs. Yonebayashi had forced her into becoming a Quinx for the financial gain, but not much beside it. Saiko tended to keep to herself.

"A few noise complains were reported by the neighbors. Yelling, some sort of argument. Nothing physical reported, but the psych evaluation suggest Saiko feels inferior to her mother."

That would make sense. What with the way her shoulders slumped, the nervous fidgeting and glancing towards Haise as if he were a lifeline. So far the mother has yet to prove to be considerate. And there Saiko was, dressed up and trying her best for her mother only to be shot down and ignored except when it came to money. And he left them alone together.

And that's why shatter of glass hushed the guest except for one. Haise jumped at the piercing, unmistakable sound then felt a chill up his spine.

It took only seconds to spot her, Mrs. Yonebayashi who must have taken a drink from a passing waiter now stood in front of the splatter. Some of the champagne had splattered on to Saiko's dress as her mother stood to close, yet girl only looked at the ground as the woman moved closer, towering over her.

"Everything was finally perfect! Why do you want to get in the way again?"

"Just _stay out of the way!"_ Though the voices were different, for a moment, Haise forgot where he was, felt the nipping chill of being in a person's shadow.

When the older woman grabbed Saiko's arm, Haise pushed a little to hard on the people between him and Saiko. Any words from Akira wouldn't reach deaf ears, and the hand she placed on his shoulder to calm him only made him shiver. The ghost of touch still lingered even when Akira fell behind.

_Glass shattered on hard floor. Feet shuffling._

_"Why do you have to ruin everything?"_

"I didn't want this life! To be stuck in a bar and barely able to feed myself let alone two kids? And these two ungrateful children are given the opportunity of a lifetime, and they still complain?" The woman's voice only became quieter and stressed, but Saiko only looked when the woman shook her arm.

_Same smile as mom but hands too slender, not rough from work. Heat reaping hands clasping around his neck with well placed thumbs over the windpipe._

_"My son's failing because of you!"_

You're not there, Haise reminded himself. He wasn't in that house or locked in the closet. The hands weren't real. None of it was real. The hands weren't real.

_Hot breath then hot pain as nails dug._

"Excuse me, Miss? Mrs. Yonebayashi? If you wouldn't mind taking your hand off of my student, I'd like to borrow her for a while. First class Suzuya requested her assistance." It came out rushed, and he had to remember to keep his touch light where he touched her wrist.

The woman before him blinked. "Fine, see you sweetie. Make mama proud!" The hand that once held her daughter in place fell to her side. Before the one had even finished, Haise was guiding Saiko by a hand between her shoulder blades towards Urie and Mutsuki who had joined Akira.

"I think it's about time we head out, don't you think? Midnight's a bit late for you guys." Two nodded without hesitance while another only looked at their soiled shoes. "Akira, mind watching Shirazu? I don't want to drag him away from his siblings." Neither did she hesitate, and the four parted from the party at a pace just under the average person's notice.

* * *

He asked for nothing only if she needed anything before attending to house duties. While Haise sent off Mutsuki and Urie to bed, Saiko nursed the cup of hot chocolate Maman made for her. It was late, but she wouldn't be getting any sleep, not with the memory so fresh and awaiting for her in dreams. He sat beside her on the couch with a comfortable space between them.

He didn't speak for a long time until finally letting out a soft breath. "Are you okay?"

"Yes," she mean to say, but she choked on the word. The lump that had formed at the base of her throat that had formed when her mother grabbed her still ached. That fierce anger in her eyes had shut her up in that moment and would linger for some time, she knew.

Haise was careful with his words, leaning forward and dropping his shoulders so as to not pose a threat. She almost wanted to tell him she wasn't a scared animal but instead kept quiet. "I don't know the extent of what happened today or the extent of what you life was like before I managed your squad, but I want you to be comfortable talking to me if there  _is_  anything - ever. We all have our share of badly dealt cards."

Saiko blinked and looked at her mentor out of the corner of her eye. Did he just . . . ?

"Saiks, if you ever need anything, tell me, okay? I don't care if you were drunk while selling drugs. If you need someone to drive you home, you call me."

Silence.

But Saiko couldn't hold it in anymore and burst out laughing. "Thank you, Maman."

* * *

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> . . . I think I joined the Mutsurie ship today. I blame Fineinthemorning. (PS: i probably won't add any more Matsurie or any ship in upcoming chapters for those wondering)
> 
> I apologize for the darker chapter. I tried to keep it light where it made sense, but the subject itself, I believe, should be treated with care. We know Ken went through some emotional abuse with his aunt (I don't remember if she became physical but sometimes it doesn't even require touch to start dreaming it). Also, I don't think Saiko's mom is canonically abusive at all. I think she made some bad/stubborn decisions, but I think she meant well when she forced Saiko in to the quinque experiment.
> 
> It's really easy and actually fun to misinterpret Haise's memories, especially because many things parallel in each arc. So, while I know Ken's mom was never abusive (unless we want to talk about possible neglect), his aunt was meant to take the place of her. Thus, Haise would mix the two women together, maybe even put Rize in there for the heck of it.
> 
> And hey, did anyone hear/see that art piece Ishida gave for a contest? It's of Arima quoting "Ringing Bell" (or that's what people are saying it's quoting from), a film and book that's rated G but gets so, so dark. Check it out.
> 
> For the next chapter, write in the comments/reviews which you would rather see: Tsukiyama or Uta?


	18. A Man of Many Faces

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Reminder: This is will be treated as though Haise had never met Uta.

With the sun beating down on them, Saiko found the Kimono sticking to her skin. "I can't believe you actually bought it," she whined as she fanned herself. She moved at a slower pace, so people constantly bumped in to her or brushed past the Quinx group.

"It's supposed to give you luck." For emphasis, Shirazu placed the mask over his face, however not realizing it, upside down. "Hyottoko could sprout gold out of his belly button."

Why Urie let the three drag him along , he didn't know, and had already began to look around for a mistake. In truth, he found the mask rather terrifying, with the level of detail, the realism of the eyes, with the mouth crooked to the side. The muscles were perfect in the face's structure almost eerily. "If he can't help you, no one can."

"Hah-" Shirazu had started sarcastically before tripping over his geta, wooden shoes on short stilts, and falling face first. Though Saiko laughed without restraint, even commenting on "this isn't an anime," and "If you crack your mask in half, can I call you Two-Face?," Mutsuki and Urie stayed silent as they noticed their mentor emerged from the crowd of people in a royal blue yukata he nearly tripped in himself.

When he saw the mask and shoes, he groaned. "How much did you spend," he asked as he pinched the bridge of his nose.

All Mutsuki could give for answer was "too much."

"How could we not buy them? They were so much cooler than the ones other vendors were selling! Just look at it!."

Haise could only groan. "The festival only just started . . ."

"If you saw all the mask that guy was selling, you would've totally bought one, too." For emphasis, Saiko untied the mask she had tied to the back of her head and waved it in front of her Maman's eyes. It was a Kabuki-like mask of a woman with a smile that reached the eyes pleasantly, much like a mother's. Okame. "Hey said it'll bring good fortune."

"Who?"

"The mask maker," Saiko answered as she began to walk ahead of them with Mutsuki at her side.

"Of course," their mentor huffed. At least Mutsuki and Urie didn't waste any money. "Let's just go to that parade. They're going to start in a few minutes.

At the same time, there was a yelp from Mutsuki as Saiko yanked his wrist and cried, "What!?"

* * *

Paper lanterns lined the streets, producing a soft glow above the running figures as they navigated through the mass of people adorned in spring-colored Yukatas. Saiko nudged the group along at the front though not being so gentle when moving people aside.

"Hurry up, Muu-chan, or we're gonna miss it!" Pulling at the sleeve of his yukata, Mutsuki stumbled after Saiko towards the the crowd of people lining the street.

"Wait up! These things will break if I'm not careful. Behind them was Shirazu only following at a slower pace due to his geta, a platformed sandal he  _really_  began to regret wearing. A pair of Zori would have been so much easier.

Urie passed the boy without needing to run, glaring as he passed for good measure. Taking up the rear, Haise rolled his eyes to the team. "We can buy Zori or something later. Ginsh - take off your mask, or you're going to trip!" He shouted just moments before Shirazu tried to turn and lose his footing and fall flat on his back. Cringing at the fall, Haise added, "Remember when I told you Hyottoko was lucky? I don't think you deserve that mask."

"Oh, ha, ha. Very funny, Sasan. I'm wearing this until i sprout gold."

"Get up! The parade's going to pass us!" Saiko called over her shoulder as Haise gave a hand to Shirazu. She herself adorned an Okame mask but tied backwards on her head.

"If only had this enthusiasm with work."

"Until you get the singer of 'Unravel' in my office, I'll keep sleeping during meetings."

"You don't have an office," Mutsuki reminded him.

"You get the point. Move it!" Before anyone could stop her, she plowed her way through a men's mikoshi team without any effort, the half naked men falling on either side as the Quinx passed them with short apologies. "I'm coming, TK!"

"Saiko, careful!" With so many people on the streets, the fact none had been injured by the small stampede amazed Haise to no end. The size of this Matsuri expanded throughout the 4th ward, one the size meant for the people of neighboring wards to join for the weekend festival. Funded by the CCG and shrines of all the wards, the festival took up all of the 4th ward with little surprise. And with it being in a commonly uninhabitable area for ghouls, the shrines agreed to the location, and those coming in to the ward went through scanners.

The people, money, and time put in to making this possible hopefully would mean something in the end.

"TK!" As if drawn to them naturally, Saiko shoved her way to the front of the mass of people wearing animego mask and festival mask, those like anime and manga characters Saiko likely knew the names to. Awkwardly, Mutsuki continued to step here or there so as to not touch anyone. "He's coming, he's coming! Hurry up Maman!"

"Where's Urie? Shirazu?"

"Who cares!? It's TK - oh, hush hush, he's starting. Shut up, people!" Others like Saiko hushed the crowd as a man atop the largest float began his song.

The crowd on all sides felt suffocating, and he couldn't stay with the two Quinx without being pushed back by misguided elbows.

In spite of Saiko's enthusiasm, Haise whispered to Mutsuki to meet him at the karaoke bar off of 12th Street, after fighting his way to him, that he would search for the other boys. Once out of reach of TK's voice and towards the line of destruction the Quinx had left in their wake, Haise quickly found a different path and called their cells. They both went to voicemail.

Haise rubbed his eyes. These kids were going to give him an ulcer, and he wasn't even 25!  _At least I beat them to grey hair,_ he thought. As he figured since they were old enough not to need him to find them at the 'loss children tent,' he went to check in on security. With so many people going in and out of the ward, with crimes still committed in the main festival lots and shrines as the back alleyways, very few CCG members actually could enjoy the festivities at the same length as Haise's squad, and that's only because Arima agreed to vouch for the kids to get a break, which surprised even Haise.

He left a text of where to meet and instead searched for a place to sit. Between the multiple street vendors were minimal chairs and tables for those like Haise who tire too early. His body ached from the last mission.

Until they arrived, he would enjoy his drink he bought at one of the few places to sit and observe. Taking part was too exhausting for such a home-body like himself, he who preferred a movie rather than big events like a Matsuri. From where he sat, he heard the and beat of taiko drums and bells as guzhengs strum and bamboo flutes played their chorus just out of his line of sight. For the moment at least, he could sit the pleasant calm and not act up his enthusiasm when the Quinx were around.

To another end there was a performance of sorts. The people stood on the platform in mask of kappas and tengus surrounding an oni and hannya. Though kappas tend to be rare, the mix of demons, spirits, and creatures made up legends and stories to keep a child's eye on them.

"Beautiful, isn't it, sir? The festival?"

Haise turned to the man beside his seat adorned in a dark yukata and kitsune mask, a white fox marked with red. Haise had noticed him when he sat down as the one managing the stand that held peculiar as well as traditional masks with a unique flare. "Indeed. So many colors and sounds but a bit too much for me," he replied with a smile that hid his exhaustion pleasantly. Really, he wished he could sit in a quiet place away from the chaos with a book in hand, but sadly that was not the case. Technically, unlike the rest of the Quinx, he was on duty, just in case. "Donations really go a long way."

"For sure. If we're lucky, we might just be able to pretend everything is fine."

"Oh?" The man had caught the investigators attention. "What do you mean?"

"Simply that this 'cultural festival' for all the wards is a great ploy, a pleasant white sheet to coat all our worries." When he noticed the investigator staring, he added, "We small business men hear many things. No matter the mask, we still know what's underneath."

The man's attention went towards the crowd. "That Oni is having too much fun, don't you think?"

Though Haise understood the danger in having the previous discussion out in the open, the man could have chosen a better topic. Nonetheless, Haise followed the man's stare from under the Kitsune mask to the dancing group in colorful robes and mask on the stage. Children were brought up to dance in a circle around a tengu, another to cast away the oni by chanting. Quickly, Haise realized the conversation wasn't over.

The masked man scratched at his ear, and Haise noticed the tattoos decorating the back of his hand and fingers."It's always so enticing to put on a different face, isn't it? To step away from an identity and in to one more adventurous or powerful. "

Haise didn't understand where the man was going with this, but he found the simple  _pop_  of his finger very calming.

"The funny thing is, the monsters we pretend to be sometimes consume us, and we cannot go back."

He cracked his finger threateningly before asking, "What are you trying to say?" For some reason, his patience only grew shorter. It's not as though he doesn't deal with these philosophical nutjobs with work, but something about it felt far more personal. Like, the man was pushing at a button that Haise didn't know he had.

"Nothing, sir," he said behind the mask. "It's simply easy to be consumed by a new identity. But as soon as something from the past pokes at the holes, it falls apart, doesn't it?" Having watched the investigator, the man mimicked the finger cracking habit. "But there are some who simply have no true face, only many masks, the kind that are torn in so many directions that they don't remember if they have a real face."

"I suggest we just end this conversation," Haise requested with his voice leveled. He turned his back on the masked man and sipped his drink.

"Like now, you sound just like Arima, Mr. King of the Fakes."

"Sassan!"

Haise turned so quick the average person would have snapped or pulled something. "Wh-"

But the man was gone. Instead, the squad stood before him, some grinning and others nervous. "Sassan, who were you talking to?"

"No one. How was the parade?" he asked with a smiling, pushing any thoughts of the man to be sorted later.

* * *

He hated this board more than anything, hated how it controlled him, compelled him to nose his way in to dangerous territory. He hated that he had to hide it. He must hide the dreams and memories from his colleagues then ignore his own feelings to protect everyone.

But there he was, sitting on his floor cross-legged with only a small lamp to help make out the names and numbers he wrote. The board lacked any order at this point to a sane person. Line intersected over and over, forming something like a drunk spider's web he supposed. He would need to buy more yarn soon and a bigger board.

With shaky hands, he pulled off the sticky note "Kaneki Ken" and wrote beneath "King of the Fakes."

It felt as though every little good thing in his life had some sort of evil truth locked away, that the life he built meant nothing. The people he cherished and looked up to only fueled the dream he had composed. With the different faces - the one he wore in front of the kids, the other in front of Arima and Akira, then another cracked mask for when he faced his past, the one that kept taking hit after hit - It was only a matter of time before the pieces fell.

But he wondered, what was he beneath all the faces?

Was he even human anymore? Or was he ever?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> MASK: Kitsune-fox. Hyottoko-lucky kid with gold coming from his belly button. Okame-female version. Kappa-river spirits. tengus-mischeivous forest spirits. oni and hannya-monster spirits. TK is the singer of "Unravel"
> 
> Due to my lack of knowledge of Japan's festivals but also having the leniency of TG being an alternate world, I figured I could wikipedia my way into writing a festival. Because I already started putting this together when Chapter ...jkdslaj came out, I went for it anyways.
> 
> Please leave a review/comment!


	19. Feed the Beast

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Inspired from letters_creat_worlds' comment.

In spite of how often he added nick-knacks to the shelves, tried to fill the holes with books and comforts, Haise still felt the dreariness of being caged. No matter how decorated the cage, it is still a cage. But even with the chill forcing the hairs on the back of his neck to stand up, he smiled when the guards opened the doors to the cell. He no longer had to show any sort of identification as he visited at least twice a week.

The cell that made up Katsuo's new home felt simultaneously too big and claustrophobic.

He wasted no time shaking off the rain from his umbrella and shimmying out of his drenched coat. Katsuo, who had been sitting beside the barred windows, stood the moment his teacher opened the door and bowed. "Good afternoon, Sassan."

As Haise pasted him, he ruffled the boy's hair. "How're you doing today?" he asked while setting the paper bags he had carried on the island in the kitchen. Haise assumed the reason for the kitchen in the floor plans was likely someone's attempt of a joke. Lucky for them, the two would need it for today.

"Good, Sassan. I finished my homework last night. So, what are we learning today?"

"Today, I thought we'd do something different." Searching through the cupboards, Haise's suspicions were quickly confirmed: all were empty. So, from his paper bags, he pulled out the pan and lid along with a few utensils like knives and wooden spoons. Due to Katsuo's age, none of the guards feared Katsuo using his kagune for escape. He lacked control of the limb, but that didn't mean he couldn't use a knife. "I want to teach you to cook."

The boy pondered for a moment. "But we don't need to cook."

"It's a nice skill to have. I cook for my family all the time." Considering none of the Quinx really had any skill and cooking and take-out every night added up in the hundreds, Haise  _had_  to learn. That, and Arima described it as a very human skill, and so Haise always had his food cooked.

"So it's a family thing?"

"Yah," Haise agreed. "We're just cooking meat, so no need to worry about human food yet," he said as he pulled out the neatly wrapped packages the science department had given him for the occasion. Katsuo likely had smelt the intoxicating aroma the moment he walked in. Now with it only inches away, he felt his own mouth water. "Then we can eat together. Now, come on over here."

This small action took some convincing of his superiors. Only occasionally had Haise been present during Katsuo's feeding, and Haise could only watch at a distance so as to monitor Katsuo's self-restraint or lack of. Arima had done the same to him so as to recognize the signs. This would, however, be the first time Haise has eaten with another ghoul present let alone share a meal. It is something he would never do with the Quinx.

He could imagine their words.  _"Oh my, Sassan, what an appetite you have."_

Haise took his time setting up, getting Katsuo a step stool so as to reach the obnoxiously tall counters, explaining the importance and even how a gas stove worked. From what Katsuo's learning instructor relayed to him, the boy's knowledge on what would be considered mundane was minimal. And from talking with Katsuo directly, he and his mother had lived away from any towns until only months before his capture. Even while in the city, they were in hiding for most of it. But in spite of his stump in mundane knowledge, Katsuo learnt quick and would catch up in no time.

"Humans like to put crushed herbs on top to give it flavor, but all we have to do is cut it up and throw it in the pan." He unwrapped the meat quickly while watching Katsuo out of the corner of his eye. Self control, they had told him. He could not maintain control when in the presence of human flesh, he would never leave the cage they put him in. Even so, Katsuo seemed to be doing fine but still eyed the meet with, hopefully, just curiosity. It certainly took the investigator some time to keep his composure, but then again, Katsuo fed twice more often than he ever did.

Thankfully, Haise had even remembered a cutting board and began dicing. Katsuo sat at the table with his head rested on his arms, and for a moment, Haise could believe this to be normal. It was just him and his adopted son in a sense cooking dinner. For a moment, he forgot about the bars on the windows and instead focused on the patter of rain like a melody. Should he start humming? Actually, he was missing the pink apron.

"How is work?"

He rolled his eyes before answering, "Fine as always, 'xcept Saiko managed to put herself in a little bit of debt."

Katsuo knew of the girls antics and only groaned. "How?"

 _"_ She knocked over a three million yen vase when we were investigating a murder near a museum."

The boy could only gasp. "You're serious?" He started to laugh. "Of course she would. She's nice, though." He reminisced when Saiko had last visited with his Sassan. She had let him play a game on her device and promised to bring him her old one to keep.

"I don't even know what was going through her head. There wasn't any reason to stand anywhere near it, but  _oops_ , she bumps it the  _right way_  and the whole thing shatters from one end of the room to the other." He said this while sliding the diced meat in to the pan and turning on the stove. "She's paying back every penny, so no games, fast food, or conventions for a while."

Katsuo laughed. "So Saiko is your kid? She calls you 'Maman.'"

Haise hummed before answering. "Sort of. Since her mom can't be around . . . I am. It's like that for the whole squad. Now, you don't want the heat too high or it burns, and you need to stir it occasionally. Here." As Haise handed the younger boy the wooden spoon to stir, he moved to the cupboard for plates and silverware. Six plates in total for when the Quinx would totally come around.

He set the table for only two today with forks aligned perfectly on the place mats and an assortment of candles decorating the middle. From the small dining table, Haise could watch Katsuo stir clumsily while balancing on the stool. The orange jumper's sleeves rode up his arm, and Haise made a mental note to go shopping later. "Are you excited for Christmas, Katsuo?"

The moment the word Christmas had left his mouth, Katsuo's turned quick enough to cause whiplash with eyes wide. "Yes! Momma Always took me to see all the lights!"

Mentally planning to corner Arima later, Haise suggested, "Maybe we could all see the lights this Christmas."

"I could leave?" Haise didn't think it possible for eyes to be so wide.

"Maybe if you're good." Even so, they'd still slap a tracker on his ankle and keep Arima in close proximity. The bars would be lifted, and yet the leash wouldn't slacken.

"I know Santa's not real," said Katsuo with his arms crossed.

The older boy grasped at his chest and gasped. "What do you mean 'Santa's not real?'" Katsuo could only giggle as Haise continued. "Who else would leave gifts while we're sleeping and eat our cookies?" While Katsuo still laughed, Haise waved his hands to hush the boy and looked around in search of someone watching, then he progressed closer. He spoke in a whisper. "Y'know, I heard Santa is actually a ghoul. How else could he so gracefully get in the chimneys?" He carfully plucked the wooden spoon out of Katsuo's hand and stirred the meat chunks once more. "I think it's ready. Head over to the table."

He didn't have to tell the boy twice. Following behind with the pan, Haise dished Katsuo then set the pan down only to realize he had not even dished himself. If Katsuo noticed his mentor's hesitation as he picked up the pan once more, he didn't say. Haise hadn't even taken his first bite when Katsuo asked his question.

"Do you eat with your family?"

The clang of silverware against a plate with Haise holding his hand as if burned created an eerie silence. All but the patter of rain on the roof disturbed the emptiness of the little cage.

"I'm sorry-"

"Don't be." He didn't even know why he acted as he did. It was only a casual question that one should easily answer. Then again, nothing ever seemed easy for Haise. "No, no, i don't eat with them. They wouldn't understand."

Katsuo narrowed his eyes. "But they are family. Momma and I always ate together." Of course a boy of his age would not understand. Haise was careful with his words.

"They aren't ghouls. They eat human food."

"So?" he asked then immediately added, "Sorry."

He wanted to simply tell him to quite apologizing but feared it would sound rude. He took a breath as he pondered up an excuse he could use. Would Katsuo even understand if he told him that humans find ghoul eating habits disgusting? Repulsive? In spite of the black sclera and kagunes, the kids were still naively - enviously - human.

"They," he started,  _would come to hate me._  "Wouldn't like it. They're learning, but I don't think they can handle watching us eat." Us. Funny how quickly he had grouped himself with a ghoul.  _I am a ghoul._

"I don't get it," Katsuo said with a frown. "Momma knew this doctor, and he was human. He'd give us food and eat with us."

Haise watched the other, astounded. "I would keep that secret if I were you. People can be mean to ghoul supporters." Haise still remembered the riot when it became public the CCG was working with a ghoul in a humanly fashion. Those that were jailed, injured, or killed accidentally were all caused by his existence. "Though you're safe with me, the kids, Ms. Akira, and Mr. Arima."

The boy only nodded before returning to his food and so did Haise. The cubed piece burst with flavor on his tongue that no words would ever describe. He lacked any human food to compare it to, but it held the same saltiness in ocean air instead of the boldness of coffee. Beyond that, he couldn't describe, only that his body would become rigid, and he would have to mentally hold himself back between each bite.

For the boy across from his, Haise only saw from beneath his eyelashes the boy's own struggle. Although fed more often, the scent alone could cause a frenzy (Haise would know). But instead the boy maintained his composure, setting his fork down between bits and setting his hands in his lap.

"I miss mom," Katsuo admitted.

Haise looked up from his food. "I'm sure she was a wonderful person." When Katsuo nodded, he added, "If you ever need anything, whether it's just someone to talk to or do something for you, I want you to know I'm here for you, and so is everyone else. We want you to be successful." He took another bite so as to plan his words. "When I joined the CCG, Akira and Arima in a sense became my parents. They helped me after I had to restart my life. They didn't even know me, but they gave me a hand wherever they could."

"What happened to your Momma?"

"I don't know." He lacked any personal ties to the mother that existed prior to the CCG, and so the question hardly phased him. While he must have had a mother, one that either loved or despised him, he could not feel for something that he didn't remember having. Or that's what he'd been told. "But I love my family now."

The boy eyed him for a moment. "But they don't accept you?"

Some of them didn't. Back at the beginning, there were the chains. Physical, cold to the touch, skin-rubbing chains. Being bound to a bed while pumped with morphine and RC suppressants. Even when the links came off, they held him down in other ways, binding in the same way as a dog.

"We're learning, just like I'm learning to accept Saiko's hobbies, or that Urie's scowls are just his way of saying he was worried. Or there's Mutsuki's shyness doesn't mean he doesn't have an opinion, and sometimes Shirazu won't tell anyone why he's angry. I'm trying to understand and accept them as much as they are of me."

"But you all love each other?"

"Yah." With any hesitation, Haise knew that he loved them like his own. And vice versa? . . . He scared them occasionally, was sent to Cochlea, and ate human flesh. Oh, what sharp teeth did he have. They kept him muzzled, though, in their own way.

But then there were those moments when Saiko used him as her pillow while watching cartoons. Mutsuki and him spent hours discussing the plot of books in spite of the late hours of the night. Though he never considered Shirazu patient, he did teach Haise the basics to fixing the motorbike. And Urie, still the grouch, even defended Haise from the sharp comments during Katsuo's first weeks. He could never imagine leaving them, left to his own mind and the subtle comforts one described as a sense of normalcy.

And they held the key.

Katsuo only nodded once more. "Can . . . I join?"

In an instant, all melancholy that hung around them fell, and Haise found himself laughing without restraint, likely scaring Katsuo, but that didn't matter at the moment. "Of course. Welcome to the family."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> . . . I don't like the ending, so I'll fix it later when I'm more coherent and not typing with my eyes closed. I also wanted this chapter to theme around Haise's relationships, the metaphorical cage around him, and how food/affection played out in this cage. Considering I was in a bad mood while writing this, it may seem off/boring/half-assed, but I'll fix it later.
> 
> So I totally forgot non-gas stoves exist and thought for the longest time "they can't give him propane, that'd be stupid." All me to face palm for a while. Also, Akira is Ms. Akira to Katsuo simply because where I was raised you never called a woman by her last name, but you always use "Miss" before her first name.
> 
> I can't believe I hadn't written on food until now. Food is such a significant symbol in TG as it translate in to affection. It's something Ken lacked and craves much like food. Can we just give a hand to Ishida for all his wonderful parallels please?
> 
> I will also be rewriting the interaction between Urie and Mutsuki in chapter 17 as I totally ignored the fact that Mutsuki is a bundle of nerves.
> 
> I have not idea when I'll update, but please leave a review. Thank you so much for putting up with my lack of a schedule!


	20. Asking for Roses

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You guys asked for Tsukiyama, so here it is! Let it be known I am ignoring the first encounter from the manga. This is also a part of my headcanon as to why the Tsukiyamas have never been found out.

_"A flower unplucked is but left to the falling, and nothing is gained by not gathering roses."_

_-Robert Frost; Asking for Roses  
_

* * *

The drive out to the estate took longer than expected, but it was definitely worth the wait. At least fifteen acres, discluding the golf course, the manor itself too up at least a two thirds of the space with the rest making up the grounds and green houses (which engulfed the chateau easily). Akira hadn't explained to them the extent of the family, only that they worked with the government and are sponsors to the CCG.

They stood before it alongside Marude and Akira purely for a business transaction. The investigator had not understood the persistence for his squad to tag along except that the man of the manor wanted to meet them. Tsukiyama Mirumo apparently funded the Quinx Project in its earliest stage.

"What a huge place," Saiko commented, finally looking away from her home and at the towering building.

"The estate has been under the Tsukiyama family for generations," called a man at the gates, a man with a peculiar shade of hair, but Haise wasn't one to judge on such a matter. "Bought in 1783, the manor was originally only a summer home until later generations bought the plots of land around it and upgraded. Just follow this lad to the parlor."

Another of a fairer shade of hair led them through the french doors at the entrance of the mansion and past the music room that held nothing more than a piano and a single vase of snowdrops atop it. To the parlor they went, passing golden framed paintings of depictions from biblical stories Haise recalled when Akira took him to church on Sundays. In spite of age, the floorboards didn't creak.

Once finding the parlor, the stood before a man of cream, floral suit, the roses a faint red. He sat comfortable at a couch that looked anything but. He smiled once they entered, yet Haise could not see his eyes from behind the glasses' glare.

But the man merely smiled freshly whitened teeth. "Ah, it's a pleasure for to see you once more, Itsuki."

Marude nodded, smiling genuinely to an old friend. "Mirumo. I'd like you to meet Associate Special Class Mado Akira. She supervises the Quinx Project. And here is-"

"Sasaki Haise," Tsukiyama finished as he stood from his chair and crossed the room, taking the surprised investigators hands. "The half-ghoul. My son's been wanting to meet you for some time now. Matsumae, would you mind putting on a pot of coffee and getting Shuu? The usual Itsuki?"

Marude grinned. "You know me well. A glass for Mado as well."

The maid Haise hadn't even noticed standing the corner nodded and left. She too held the same peculiar hair color as the rest of the staff. Was it mandatory to work at the estate?

"Oh?" Haise could only respond. Should he retract his hands or -

"Please, come sit. There is much to talk about." In stead of release, the man practically dragged the investigator the closest seat, taking the one opposite. The three couches filled quickly, with Akira and Marude at one while Saiko joined Haise who hadn't moved an inch since seated. The other three of the squad stood behind their mentor's seat while Mirumo sat across at his own couch once more.

"Astounding," Mirumo breathed, observing Haise and his students. "To see our project come to life, it's - this is a medical break through."

"The upper hand we needed," Marude commented. "The 'Quinx squad,' as we call them, is trained under Sasaki and Mado's care. I can send you their progress reports if you would like. But for now, they're here to observe for future reference."

More like be the decorations while Marude gets drunk with this business man. If anything, they were trophies. When walking in to the lions den, surround by luxuries beyond dreams, one must bring in their own cards. Or so, that's how Arima explained it. The game of politics still seemed no more than a beauty contest in Haise's eyes.

"Fine, fine. Back to business. . . "

* * *

Haise decided very early neither men understood the word "business." Too often questions about the growing kids arose along with monologues from Mirumo about strength and beauty in the Tsukiyama bloodline, which Haise would not openly comment on.

The coffee and champagne arrived not long after the two started boasting about their kids' musical talents. Though he had offered champagne, Mirumo stuck with only a cup of coffee.

"Shuu could easily play at a jazz theatre. You should have seen him when he was young: soft yet sassy as can be behind the keys. Still is."

He remained silent through most of the conversation, sharing glances with Akira and smacking Saiko's hands from the frayed hem of her coat. He felt Shirazu knock in to the couch occasionally to fix his stance, recognize the burning at the back of his head as Urie's glare for forcing him to come along on this pointless "business" meeting.

It wasn't until the soft creak of moving metal from the hallway that Haise finally dropped the smile that made his jaw ache.

"Ahh, and here comes Shuu," Mirumo announced as a figure came in to view.

Something caught in Haise's throat.

The man must have been handsome in his youth. He still was even with the evidence of insomnia on his skin. The deep shade of purple beneath his eyes similar to his own hair the hung on one side just beneath his cheek, the skin pulled tightly around sharp cheekbones. But it wasn't his bodily features that caught Haise's eye, nor the bizarre choice of pants with diamonds of all colors. No, instead, the source of the metal creak held his focus.

The man sat in a wheelchair pushed by the maid from earlier.

It didn't suit him.

"Son, this is the man I was telling you about. Sasaki Haise of the Quinx Squad."

The man brushed the maid away and wheeled himself to the circle of couches. His voice, though soft, held a silent power Haise couldn't explain. "The one with the artificial half-ghouls?"

"A pleasure to meet you, Mr. Tsukiyama," Haise greeted, holding out his hand.

The man took the outstretched hand. The hands were bony but still squeezed back. "Call me Shuu."

Mirumo smiled. "I suggest we take a break from work."

"And head to the music room?" Marude assumed. "You father says you're excellent at piano. Do feel well enough today?"

For a moment, Shuu's eyes widened but quickly masked it with a pleasant smile, most of the exhaustion hidden. "Never better, but perhaps you should finish your business and I could take you on a tour of the estate?"

Mirumo quickly responded. "Of course, why don't you take Sasaki and the kids so we can finish?"

"Sure, sure. Quinx? Shall we go?"

He didn't have to ask twice before the kids to rush to their rescuer's side. "Could we run by the kitchens?" Saiko asked bluntly.

"Kitchens? I'm guessing pops didn't feed you at hall? How bizarre." He already began to make his way down an unrecognizable hall before Haise could finish excusing himself. "To the kitchens then!"

A soft thump at Haise's temple echoed a silent promise.

* * *

He wouldn't deny it. Haise had been in awe at each room, from the eerie beauty of the music room, to the cozy yet vast library that Saiko physically got lost in. Even the view of the city was gorgeous as the sun began to set, and the chill of winter threatening to make an appearance.

"I saved the greenhouse for last," Shuu called from over his shoulder. Do to the cold, a maid handed him a red blanket to cover his legs. Through the whole tour, Haise kept an eye on Shuu, yearning an answer for questions he would not ask.

It was like the idea of Shuu immobile was . . . wrong? He imagined a man wielding a sword, head high, and heart guiding him. But the man before him, with his almost shy demeanor and eyes that watched him when he thought Haise wasn't looking - something had to be off. His body did not match the sumptuous manor, but his voice and eyes did. Just what made him so sickly?

Shirazu held the greenhouse door open for Shuu.

"It's really a rose garden than anything else, but it's my favorite place on the estate."

None of his guest answered and instead gaped at the glass ceiling and the walls of vines. From the vines scattered pinks and yellows with tips a soft red. Then across the greenhouse, in rows like a maze laid bushes of deep scarlet and pure white, balancing with the occasional gold yellow and faint pink. But in the center of the garden sat the deepest, blood red roses at the greatest size and fullness that reminded Haise specifically of lips.

Shuu could only smile. "Award winning roses. The finest bred. Feel free to take a look around, everyone."

Saiko dragged Shirazu and Mutsuki by the hand while Urie stepped out complaining the smells as "too much" for his delicate ghoulish nose. Haise, beside himself, remained with Shuu. "It's beautiful - the rose garden, I mean."

"The green house was added when I was born. I'd been tending to them until my health deteriorated."

He hesitated but asked, "What happened?"

At first, Haise assumed the man hadn't heard him as he brushed his hand over a dying rose from one of the smaller bushes. The discolored petals gave way at the simple touch. "I lost a good friend. We were close without using many words, "the daggers beneath our pillows," we would say." Shuu watched him from the corner of his eye, awaiting a response that never came.

Like brothers, Haise assumed. The bond they held would be unlike anything after, much like how no one would ever be like Akira or be the role model that Arima was for him.

"What was he like?" Haise offered as a way to just let the man talk. He found simply voicing or putting names to ghost helped clear his mind.

Shuu smiled as he poked at the thorns of a bush. "Stubborn as hell. Strong yet sensitive. Unshakable when he set his mind to something but so easily breakable. But that's why he was taken away from me," he breathed. "that stubborn loyalty and desire to save everyone but himself led him to his fate."

Haise didn't know if he should apologize, whether for ask an inconsiderate question or just out of sympathy. He eyed the wheelchair once more. Though Shuu hadn't been even watching, he still replied to Haise's unasked question.

"I can still walk. I just have good days and bad days - more bad than good at the moment." He plucked the dying flower. "And it seems winter is coming early."

There was something in his demeanor, Haise concluded, that felt all to familiar, with the way he expressed his stories with his hands, how he watched the investigator our of the corner of his eye. He gave his full attention without being asked so, which Haise found hard these days with him always in his own head.

"Will all these flowers die?" Haise had never been one to garden and knew only names and meaning from the literature he read. Like how roses represented love in the purest form: a fragile piece of life that could fall apart so easily.

"Of course. They have no chance against the wind or cold. All that will be left is brittle thorns."

Absently Haise rubbed at his shoulder to an ache that had no source.

Watching Shuu, could see how easily the man belonged in this garden, how the color seemed to come back in to his skin, how his hands no longer seemed delicate or hesitant in his work of cleaning out the dead roses. "A shame." Something just felt wrong to Haise, like the clothes around him were too tight, that the too large coat would suffocate him if he made the wrong move, but he couldn't pinpoint why. Maybe it was his own skin that felt wrong.

"Not so, dear friend. Rather, a cleansing." As he spoke, he plucked the crippling flowers from their stems with his strength alone. "Think of it as a new beginning. Sometimes when they die, they come back even more beautiful in the next season of their life."

Shuu stood before his prized bush. Only did Haise realize how perfectly the grey sky came through the glass dome and shown on deep red. "Here," Shuu said after plucking a rose from purest bush. He held it before Haise as if to give it to him.

"Oh, you didn't have to do that."

"They won't survive long. Besides, 'there is nothing to gain by not gathering roses.'"

There came the thump again at his temple, though it was gentle. Haise stared at the man, retracing where he had heard that line before. A poem - it must be an American poet where the line came from. But had he ever read American poetry in his free time?

He took the offered rose but not before giving a thanks. He placed it just over his heart in the breast pocket.

"The color brings out your eyes."

Once more, Haise found himself looking at the man before him, unable to put his finger on the vague familiarity. But the man only solemnly smiled for reasons Hasie would not understand.

"We should get back to the manor. Father and Marude are likely drunk at this point."

Before Haise could ask anything else, Shuu was already at the door with the Quinx following him like little ducklings, leaving Haise to gather himself for whatever reason. He felt off, light and weak, like a simple gust of wind would knock him down. But why? Why did this Shuu make him feel so wrong?

* * *

Later that night, he would spend until the waking hours of the morning searching for anything on Tsukiyama Shuu, from his family history, to the prizes he won, and even to his old highschool and college GPAs. Nothing would bring him any closer to the truth, as the Tsukiyamas always kept private and were merely a name to most. It was like they hardly even existed, only making small appearances at gatherings and managing behind the scenes.

But at least the rose Shuu had given to him remained at this desk with petals slowly wilting only to leave the thorns in a few days' time.

 _They will come back even more beautiful in the next season of their life,_  Shuu had said. Yet "they" felt so much more intimate, like Shuu spoke of his own life. Maybe he hoped as a romantic does for a better time.

The pulsing was back with a pressure behind his eyes and an ache at his shoulder that no matter how much he rubbed wouldn't go away.

Or had he meant Sasaki Haise?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 1) Robert Frost is my favorite poet.  
> 2) Snowdrops are flowers of rebirth but are considered misfortune if brought in to the house.  
> 3) I theorize Shuu hasn't touched a piano since Kaneki disappeared.  
> 4) there's something beautiful about the fact Shuu is surrounded by elegance and could have everything he ever wanted except Kaneki, and that's what tore him apart.
> 
> I spat this chapter out in a day after one I'd been working on for three had to scrapped. It just wasn't working. So, sorry for mistakes, or the tediousness, but I just really missed Shuu.
> 
> Do to school starting and still needing to finish community service hours for honor society, finish scholarship/college essays, finish applying to early admission colleges, and figuring out my class schedule, I will likely not be posting for at least two weeks or more. Forgive me, but I'm the verge of crying half the time with figuring out school.
> 
> Question you guys could help me with: I have to choose between two classes, but its my senior year and I want to actually enjoy it. I have the choice of taking Advance Drawing or taking Psychology. I want to go in to Psychology, but people are saying its easier just to take it in college. Plus, I've been asking for art classes for two years and never got in one (because apparently "it's so hard to switch a class even if they're parallel in schedule" (that probably didn't make any sense)). So, Adv Drawing or Psych?


	21. Frostbite

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Slightly important for those who like headcanons: I'm finally done putting together my Tumblr and will be fulfilling short prompts that people send through my ask. The reason for this is that I feel awkard writing 1,000 word, one chapter prompts/stories on either Fanfiction or AO3. Plus, there are AU openings I just want to write but not an entire fic. So, if you want to request a prompt/AU/headcanon or simply want to check out my tumblr, you can find me at Janazzaa "The Common Blonde". URL here: janazzaa . tumblr . com Also, you see any mistakes on my tumblr account (like misspellings, missing info) or want to suggest I do something differently to the blog layout, feel free to tell me. I'm still learning, so if you have any tips, that'd be awesome for you to share.

Winter came with only the warning of the chill in the air. Overnight, a coat of white settled, the dew freezing in to small droplets like glass and frost making floral designs on Haise's bedroom window. Two blankets and a duvet did little to thwart the cold that bled through his skin. This would be a particular bad winter, Haise realized fairly quickly in spite of weariness. He almost gave in to staying in bed that morning until he remembered a meeting scheduled for eight o'clock.

Haise had made some tough life or death decisions, some he regretted and others not, and grit his teeth when he knew a certain strike would lead to himself being injured - but having to pull back the covers was the hardest thing he had ever done. When the wood bit at the bottoms of his feet, he nearly changed his mind. But alas, Mado Kicks, work, kids, paperwork,  _Mado Kicks._ Those especially hurt. He ushered himself not towards the bathroom, but to his closet. From the number of times he reached for this board, he could find it with his eyes closed. Carrying it to his bed, Haise wrapped himself once more before taking a pen from his nightstand.

" _Dog and Ape,"_ he wrote on a pink sticky notepad he borrowed from Saiko with no intentions to give back. The words meant nothing to anyone else, and even to himself they hold no true weight. But after many observations, the bizarre abstract faces and words that seem to only fit in a dream tend to not stay in the dream. Just like the centipedes or Hinami or  _Touka._  Some became his reality, which is why Haise these days woke up each morning and wrote whatever he could to look over later.

Trying to rub the sleep from his eyes, he scribbled what he hoped looked like the head of a doberman pinscher. He'd look it up later.

The pink sticky notes accumulated in one corner of the board, uncatalogued thoughts so to say. Many more existed involving rabbits and butterflies, then tattoo designs and letters.

And names. Dozens of names likely not written correctly or even pronounce right. Sometimes the letters shift, he noticed, or two names mixed together.

He rubbed at his eyes and made his way towards the bathrrom, whispering soft encouragements that a shower would fix the numbness in his forearms.

He didn't want to be awake, didn't want look at anyone today. Yet even if he refused, the Quinx would only knock on his door until he answered. Thus, he prayed for an uneventful day with a mug of coffee as his only friend at the office.

Haise should really stop jinxing himself.

* * *

A bus boy as always. Just like in his training days, Arima would send him for any errand the man could think of. Whether that be fill Arima's coffee, file a report, find a specific document, fill Akira's coffee because the woman could kill with just a glare if not given caffeine soon enough - Arima kept him on his toes, maybe for his own benefit as sitting for periods of time made him fidgety and achy.

The guy watched Haise too closely even now. It only made Haise more anxious knowing what lied inside his closet in the chateau. Thank god they no longer did inspections.

The bookkeeper so to speak waved before going back to her duties, leaving him to wander. Too many times since he started his web had he stalked the lines of bookcases, searching for anything that fit the little information he held - which wasn't much. It all stood before him, a vast amount of knowledge no one else had access to, and yet it all meant nothing. Placing a dictionary in front a baby does nothing until they learn to read which first required the understanding of a language. For Haise, he was an infant asked to be an adult. Waking with only a vague sense of good and bad sensations, he had no chance.

He wouldn't ask Arima, he reminded himself, not if he doesn't want this to be blown out of proportion and someone getting killed.

Touka. He couldn't do that to Touka.

Lost in his thoughts, Haise only realized the third presence in the room after a tap at his shoulder. "You okay, Haise?"

He turned and smiled at Akira. His motherly figure too abused her power often and had him do her filing. It had been some time since he has seen her walk in to the archive room. "Of course. Do you need anything, Akira? Oh, and are you going to the funeral?"

Special Class Hasimoto Minori. Ambushed while separated from his partner and found in nearly unrecognizable pieces.. The violence of the 7th ward only increased after his demise only days ago.

"I am. I knew his wife and kids. Actually, I came to ask you about that. Would you mind going with me?"

Haise never met the man but had only ever heard good things. Kind yet calculative on the field, ruthless when necessary and head held high. Young.

"Of course," he answered because how would he ever decline?

* * *

The funeral was supposed to be over the weekend. But with the weather report only prompting at them, they held it that evening. Haise had never been in the CCG's private cemetery in the winter. He almost didn't recognize it, with the leaves replaced by icicles and white coating any surface it could touch. Haise refrained from brushing off the snow of every tombstone he passed.

Haise only ever went to the cemetery with Akira for her late father and the dark occasional funeral as the one that day.

CCG members were organized by rank. For the funeral, the wife, children, and occupants walked the short distance to the Special Class section. How eerie - that the spaces were premade and arranged, awaiting to tightly fit the next body, if a body was even retrieved. A small service for a man with few friends, much like any CCG member. Few would remember him besides the title or the cases he led. Haise thought of Urie's father, a man who left his son on his own to one day follow the same fate. Somewhere, he too made up the vast and growing cemetery.

"Would you mind visiting a grave?" Akira asked once giving her condolences and planning to bring a few meals for the adjusting family. Haise hadn't even noticed but his mentor and friend pluck an anemone from the gathered flowers around the grave with gloved hands.

How could he ever say no to visiting her father's grave? Though the paperwork surely was piling on his desk and the kids definitely ticked off someone that would give Haise an earful later, he decided not to care.

It's not as though she talked of her father often. She spoke of little of her family or training years.

Haise decided he hated the snow, how his feet crunched and sunk, how moisture seeped through his dress shoes and socks, leaving his feet numb. He nearly tripped every few steps, the environment alien. At least he remembered a coat.

But they hadn't even left the Special Class section before Akira stopped before a tombstone, placing a an anemone at its base. Haise had only reached her when she stood back up and made her way towards the First Class section of the cemetery. Haise still stopped, and after he would wish he hadn't.

He read the name at first with no emotion. Simply a name chinked in to stone. But he read it once more, feeling the gelidity seeping through his shoes and biting at his feet, the ache in his hands as they grew cold.

Akira stopped, but his focus remained on the ache in his stomach, piercing like a knife sliced through: cold, and the pain only hitting after several dull moments of thinking you'd be fine.

This isn't the first time this has happened - the flashes of memory. He could only pray they went by swiftly, the the ache wouldn't grow and the nightmare would end, that he wouldn't be in his head any longer than he had to be.

And suddenly one of the many faces in his dreams shared a name. "Amon Koutarou," the tombstone read, snow still packed on the top. He'd heard the name in passing by Akira as the man once was her partner. Her father knew him as a friend.

Haise could see him in now with the godly damned frown that made his hands itch. He remembered the strong stance. Haise noticed the skill in how he held his quinque. _"Eyepatch,"_  he would call him in that stupid authoritative voice like he knew more than anyone else.

But then it'd break in seconds to something like a child. Confusion coating a soar throat.

It was like a floodgate had finally given in. Too many thoughts and feeling at once to hold back, to even register. And in seconds, he knew he was on his knees and clutching at his ears at something that wasn't there. His back ached along with his stomach, but his head was the worse, like a hammer thumping instead of his pulse at his temples. Flashes of colors and sudden cold that wrapped around him - then all stopped for him to hear that clear and almost warm voice.

_"That night you cried, didn't you?"_

He didn't understand. What night? What night? A kagune and quinque locked, two men from either side of the war too close, trying to have a civil conversation with their swords locked together.

The pulse only quickened. Why? Why aren't they fighting? Why stop? Why? Why?

_"Eyepatch."_

He felt sick, whether that be from the knots in his intestines or the blood slick on his fingers now.

_"Eyepatch."_

_"Eyepatch."_

Snow poured down, like petals. He always thought of snowflakes as the cherry blossom petals of winter. The petals fell for the fallen soldiers, the heroes that numbered in to hundreds to thousands each year. The fell one by one in no pattern, piling up, the death count too high, and the bodies littering the back alley.

_"I will never let you through."_

_But they needed him. They didn't deserve their punishment. I have to fight. More, more, more, more, more, more._

And then the final push. The push that led the swords just a little to close to vital organs, a little to deep. The white blanket at their feet stained red, spreading just like the spider lilies.

"Haise?"

He wasn't crying. The snow was still there, and for a second he thought the nightmare hadn't ended. Reality came with warm hands at his shoulder and arm that pulled him to his feet only moments later, the anemones set aside. "Haise, is that you?"

Panting too much, he nodded.

"What did you see?"

"I . . . " he choked, I _killed him. "_ Amon. . . . We've met before?"

"What else." Her voice didn't change, but her grip tighten only by a fraction.

 _I killed him. I killed your partner, yet you're standing here looking at me like that._  "I don't know. He called me 'Eyepatch.'" Haise shook his head. There was a lump in his throat, either from the emotion or the blood he swore was still there, pooling on to the ground.

It wasn't all his blood in that memory.

"What else?" she asked once more.

He took another look at the tombstone. Amon Koutarou. A simple name brought him to his knees. Funny how it is to walk down memory lane when you shouldn't have many memories. Everything felt like a horrible case of deja vu that twisted your stomach and left you with phantom pains of injuries he didn't remember. "Nothing. I -... nothing. I can't remember.

She didn't believe him. He  _knew_  she didn't believe him, but Akira said nothing. And for that, he was grateful because right now he wanted nothing more than his bed with the duvet pulled over his head to keep warm. They never made it to Mado Kureo's grave. Luckily the few lingering members of the funeral had been just over the hill and stones.

Though his feet were heavy, her hand, warm and strong, in his kept him steady, leading him towards her car to take him home. Just for a moment, he entertained the thought she too may have treated Amon with such care. Did she know who killed him? That it was he who spilt his blood that winter?

And if so, what was her true intent for playing as his mentor?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I couldn't remember the date of the Anteiku Raid but assumed it to be only a few days before Christmas? Feel free to correct me.
> 
> Hashimoto: Base of bridge. Minori: Truth.  
> Anemone means "windflower" derived from "daughter of the wind." Greek Mythology, Aprodite's tears created the Anemone as she mourned the death of Adonis, a man she loved (another version says the anemones were created from his blood).  
> Cherry blossoms, meaning fragility and life, education and knowledge, can represent the fallen samurai when falling off the tree. There are plenty of more meaning, and I lack any knowledge of the cherry blossom festivals in Japan, but here's some of what I know.
> 
> I finally get to read fics again! I've fallen so far behind that I'm at least four updates behind on all stories that I've been following. But hey my AP Psych teacher mentioned Kafka's metamorphosis and I got so excited. He assumed no one knew what he was talking about, but I think he have this mutual respect now (thank goodness because he's terrible). Next update will be sometime after October 3rd when I finish my SATs and figure out what I'm doing with my life.


	22. Freak Show Pt 1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Important-ish: "Boats & Birds" is up on my profile. Just a little one-shot I'd been thinking about.
> 
> Oh, and someone asked me why I don't place warnings on this fic. The reason is that if you have read/watched Tokyo Ghoul, then everything I cover in Amnesiac is something you should expect. Gore, violence, and language are already a part of TG, so I don't see why I should set warnings when I especially am keeping this much more tamed than Ishida. Anyway, please enjoy the chapter.
> 
> Heads up: inner thoughts are not italicized for this chapter.

First of all, he can't get in trouble for trespassing into his mentor's room, or for shattering the coffee mug Saiko painted for Haise's birthday  _or_  for knocking nearly every book from the shelf. He tripped, yes, and likely ruined the older books with poor spines when he stepped on them,  _but_  if breaking and ruining leads to another matter, the latter matter becomes priority. He'd learnt that from his pops.

And so, with the ball of red yarn peaking out of the closet, Shirazu wondered just what was all over the board tucked inside and why the waitress from :Re's name was on it.

* * *

"Hello, Mr. Amnesiac."

When no response came, as the ghoul flipped through another file with no objective , the man scoffed and turned back to his squad. "This is why the American branch makes fun of us." He poked the chest of the youngest squad member, likely a newbie. "I'd stay away from him if I were you."

The last time the two of them were in the same room was for Katsuo's trial which had led to glares from one while the other used every ounce of his being not to react. Hums and murmurs beneath breaths sadly did not escape him. His hearing may not be as good as most ghouls, but Haise still heard Mr. Azuma's snide comments.

The new trainee eyed Haise without even trying to hide it. "But he's safe, right? I mean, they wouldn't let a ghoul on these floors if not."

"Nah, he's trained."

Haise bit his tongue, confirming just how trained he was.

Akira would not be here for this meeting, meaning Haise would spend the next one to four hours with this man and no weapon. Having already sent the Quinx home, his armor was gone too. Too late to slip out the back door or spill coffee on himself, Haise made his way to the meeting room with the two following not far enough behind for his liking.

It was a meeting between team leaders discussing the next course of action for another large case. Though Shirazu is squad leader, Haise refused to force the boy to sit in a meeting with these people. Mostly because this would be torture to the teen, but also because of fear. The Quinx knew their mentor wasn't entirely accepted throughout the CCG's members but never the extent of what that meant - and Haise preferred keeping it that way.

 _"Broken,"_  they had called him.

Suzuya hadn't even brought Hanbee which the ghoul would likely be babysitting for the entirety of this meeting. No matter. Haise preferred something to distract him anyway.

Sadly, Azuma sat straight across from him with a fixed glare. Haise barely registered Ui clearing his throat.

"Let's get this meeting started."

* * *

"Ginshi!"

"No."

"Why not? It's not my fault he has an over-running meeting," Saiko pouted, crossing her arms. They stood in the hallway of the chateau's upper floor before a closed door that shed no light from the cracks. "I just want my hand-held, is that too much to ask?"

"You know as well as anyone Haise doesn't want us in his room uninvited."

"You walk into  _my_  room uninvited."

"Because it's by then three in the afternoon and Urie is threatening to write your eulogy." He shivered. "No one needs a eulogy from Urie."

She huffed, "Okay, but you're team leader. Can't you just go in there and grab it?"

"Why can't you get it?" Really, this was pointless and would likely end in a lecture that he definitely could not handle without plotting Saiko's death himself.

She hesitated and, Shirazu didn't think it possible, increased her pout. "'Cause I can't reach it. It's on the top of the bookshelf." When she noticed Shirazu biting back a laugh, she spat, "It's not funny! I just want to play my games, and Haise isn't here yet."

The boy rolled his eyes. Haise had set up a new rule when they were working: no electronics except work phones while at the office, on a mission, or during any sort of work. This meant that Saiko's hand-held, Mutsuki's kindle and Urie's iPod were left in Haise's room until proven to have self control. Of course, Saiko is the only to show that control. Shirazu exhaled deeply. "Fine, I'll grab it for you." Before Shirazu could say any more, Saiko had shoved him in the direction of the door.

She made sure it was Shirazu who opened the door and not her before stepping inside. This was ridiculous. If she really freaked over not playing her hand-held for a few hours, shouldn't they be planning an intervention? Playing games non-stop can be addiction, right? Nonetheless, Shirazu opened the door and made his way towards the bookshelf that stood beside the closet. Though Shirazu considered himself tall, he couldn't see the blue hand-held was among the books and knickknacks. Some of the knicknacks were of birthday gifts, like ceramics and the mug Saiko made with her and Haise painted on it.  _It's probably on top._  But even when Shirazu tried to brush his hands at the top of the shelving, only the tips of his fingers felt the plastic. There it was.

It was supposed to be just a little hop to grab the hand-held. He didn't really think about the ball of yarn at the base of the bookshelf that he just so happened to slip on. When he gripped a shelf to keep from falling back, the wood of the particular shelf came with him to the floor along with him. It wasn't until he heard the distinctive shatter of ceramic that Shirazu caught his breath.

_Oh, shit._

* * *

Haise had already been hushed twice by Azuma and insulted approximately 3.5 times, .5 because the insult was never finished. While Ui may not favor either of the two men, he certainly would not call for getting off task and making this exhausting meeting any longer.

"We'll keep base in Mai district until morning, then move in to position in the Zhang district.."

He knew he shouldn't speak, yet he shoved down that little bit of self-consciousness. "Ui, what your asking is for is a fight with civilians on the street. The chance of civilian casualties would be impossible to ignore."

Without missing a beat, again Azuma scoffed. "Don't be stupid. And this is a base of at least six permanent ghouls with more on the way if we're right about the meeting date. We take out a nest and we clean a ward out. Getting  _that_  done is greater than a few civilians." He leant forward and his seat and lowered his voice. "Besides, you'd enjoy that right? A little human bloodshed?"

No, I'm not a monster like you, he wanted to say, to scream, to make it rattle in his head. He was in control, yah, wasn't he tamed? Haise hadn't even realized his hands were clenched until Suzuya poked at his arm and started rummaging through Haise's coat for baked snacks.

"Enough," Ui said nonchalantly while looking through the folder once more. "I agree with Azuma, but we'll have a team moving back civilians once wars declared."

Azuma stilled tried. "Sasaki will be placed as far from civilians, right?"

"That has yet to be determined."

Haise ran a hand through his hair, listening to the the tick of his watch. This was just one man. But no, it wasn't just him. It was the echo from other members that stared for too long, all the same scoffs and whispers.

 _"Is he really_   _safe?"_  they would ask behind their hands.

I don't know.

* * *

Easy, easy. He can fix it. He sat up looked around himself and groaned. Saiko must've ran off as soon as he slipped, not wanting any part in the consequences, _even though it's her lousy hand-held that started this._  To top it off, not only was Saiko's mug knocked down, but a  _full_  mug had followed him down. Who keeps a full cup of coffee  _on their bookshelf?_  God, nothing worked the way he wanted, he thought. Knowing at this point the most he could do was clean.

And so, Shirazu quickly found towels in Haise's bathroom to soak up the coffee and set to work. The coffee was everywhere, reaching the rug at the side of Haise's bed to the bathroom door. It even splashed on to the closet doors and seeped in to the red ball of yarn. Not knowing how to fix it, he took the ball in his towel and began to stand up . . . only to hear the slam of something falling. Shirazu didn't think it possible to groan so annoyingly until then. And what do you know? A poster board that's lines of red connected to the yarn ball just happened to fall flat in the puddle of coffee Shirazu hadn't gotten to yet, because  _of course_  Shirazu would screw even this up. This was one cup!

Nonetheless, Shirazu kept his grumbling beneath his breath as he set the board back up only to notice some of the coffee soaked in to the papers. Why him? Just why? Sadly because of his irritation, Shirazu failed to notice the familiar name until he had stuck the "sticky" note back on to the board for a third time (apparently, coffee takes off all stickiness?). And then he halted in the middle of his action, fearing for just a moment Haise had made the ultimate stalker's board. He knew Haise had been eyeing Touka for a while but -

But then why the news clippings and thread? No, that fit more in investigations.

"Mutsuki!"

* * *

The meeting dragged on for far longer than anyone liked and ended purely because Ihei and Suzuya had fallen asleep. Even though he tried to leave before the office before the straying members could finish their conversations, Haise already felt the eyes on the back of his head again.

"So why is his hair partially white?"

Funny. Haise had asked the same question when he first could see. The people that made up squads like Azuma's were most often kept away from the first ward for the sake of avoiding moral conflict. Sadly, people like Azuma were favorite's of the Washuus, meaning Arima could do nothing about the conflict except keep both parties separate as much as possible. But then there were times like these where Arima was away, and nothing else could stop them.

Haise still remembered clearly the first months in the CCG office, how the fights grew louder and even physical.  _"You're letting a wolf in sheep's clothing. You can keep anything as a pet, but at some point - one day when no one expects it, it kills its owner."_

Maybe they were right. After all, wasn't Haise seeking the untamed him from the past, searching for the people who knew him as the ghoul?

"Good ol' Lady Antoinette syndrome. Got in some weird shit in his running days, I heard. After all, he isn't full-ghoul. Our poor crossbreed didn't fit in and made trouble wherever he went. They say he was the one to torture the thirteenth ward's Jason. I was there - the body came back with limbs cut off."

His hands shook.

"He killed so many . . . Does he really think he can make it up?"

"A good hit to the head, I guess."

He felt a brush in his inner ear and thought he would be sick.

* * *

Mutsuki knew their mentor shared only so much with his students. The fact this alleged board was kept secret certainly meant Haise was either not allowed to speak of it because of a higher up or that feared the consequences of voicing it. Neither promised a good ending. The stairs up were taller than he remembered and creaked loud enough to wake even Saiko. But honestly, this was Sasaki they were talking about, the guy who takes bugs outside rather than killing them, the guy who bakes on his free time even though he can't taste it.

The door was left ajar from Shirazu's previous visit, light peering through. Before he had even passed through the door, he smelt the coffee, and dear god, what a mess. "Remind me to get you a lid for everything from now on," he commented. Shirazu only whined and stood before the board.

And the board, god the board. At the complexive lines and overflowing papers, Mutsuki frowned. It took only moments to piece together the collage of newspaper clippings and names along the red web, names and numbers and places connecting and intersecting. Touka. :Re. Chopper next to Jason. Then numbers- so many numbers - filled in the spaces. Mutsuki quickly noticed that the numbers went up by sevens with a few exceptions. Just how long had Haise been composing this?

It had been what felt like so long since his conversation with Sasaki in the living room. Mutsuki had just finished Black Goat's Egg only to be disgusted with himself and his previous perspective of ghouls. And then the waitress of :Re . . . Haise just wouldn't let it go.

Oh, Sasaki. If he wasn't careful, this could badly. "We have to stop this, tell him we're here for him."

"What is it?" Shirazu asked.

"It's Sasaki's past. He's trying to figure out who he was."

The boy nearly choked. "W-why? Doesn't he know it doesn't matter?" Shirazu had done his own digging and asked around about his mentor. If the incident with Serpent wasn't obvious enough that something horrible happened, the kakuja was a huge indicator the lengths their mentor had once gone for power. "That's not him anymore. He shouldn't  _want_  to be that anymore."

Mutsuki hummed and sat on Haise's bed only to stand up moments later. They were invading their mentor's space after all. "Wouldn't you be curious? Maybe not for what he did, but for the people he once knew? He must've had a family, people he cared for, or else he wouldn't have recognized Ms. Touka, right?" or that's what he hoped.

"I guess," Shirazu shrugged. "Do you think he know's what will happen? That this could get him killed?"

"This is Sasaki we're talking about. Of course he does."

"We need to tell him."

"Agreed, but not yet. Wait until we can get him alone when he's not exhausted. He didn't seem all that happy for today's meeting."

Shirazu nodded, and the two set to putting everything back in to place, replacing Haise's towels and taking the chipped pieces of the mug. Maybe with a little love, they could glue it back to together.

* * *

Arriving back at the chateau, Haise said nothing to his squad. Only the clang of keys on the counter announced his arrival before he took the stairs one heavy foot at a time. None of them came out of their rooms to talk to him, and for that he was grateful.

He opened the door to his room and took in the scent of coffee, exhaling slowly. He loved his room for its coffee aroma. While the kitchen was a mix of the coffee pot and whatever the Quinx tried to cook, his room was all ghoul-friendly scents.

Without another thought, he collapsed on his bed, forgetting about the shoes still on his feet or that fact it was only seven o'clock. He thought of the board in his closet but found no desire to even think. He would deal with today's problems tomorrow.

Elsewhere in the chateau, two conspired just how to confront their mentor while the other two shut themselves away in their rooms, one with headphones and the other with their hand-held.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ugh, this kept getting longer and longer, and it still feels far from finished. There was just a lot of stuff I wanted to do but didn't see it possible to make to write a whole chapter about, so I ended up mixing them all together in an 4,000 word chapter that is now split in to two parts... Yah. Inspired by "Carousel" by Melanie Martinez, but I mostly blame AHS: Freak Show finally being on Netflix for the chapter.
> 
> So with the bookshelf, I for one always leave cups and mugs from coffee and paint water. One day my little brother was looking for something and managed to pull out the shelving. I don't understand how, but he did when he tripped. But we sadly had white carpets, so it wasn't an easy clean up.
> 
> Azuma means "East."
> 
> It's been a while since I've updated. So tell me: what song do you correlate with Haise and why. It can be upbeat, dark, english, foreign - anything you want and it doesn't have to be one song (besides, I need inspirational music). Leave your top songs in a comment!
> 
> I would also like to point out I wrote about Seraph of the End in my SAT essay. I did it. I wrote about anime in a serious college determining essay.


	23. Freak Show Pt 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I've gotten a few questions/comments about factuality. I would like to point out I first started writing Amnesiac when he had very little information on any of the characters, what was taboo, what wasn't, customs, people's past - so many things - that each new chapter Ishida gives us, Amnesiac becomes more and more AU. To top it off, I had several of the previous chapters written that were just sitting in my documents. So, when Ishida updated and I realized some of my content is inaccurate, I started just ignoring TG:Re. If I didn't, I would have had to scrap a lot more chapters than I already did. But anyway, I just wanted to share that, so please don't ask me why some things look the way they do. One day I'll start a new story/fic that will have accurate information, but Amnesiac is not one of them.

It was the next day at the office after Shirazu and Mutsuki found the board, keeping their mouths shut. Haise would know as soon as he saw the coffee stains, but for now they would accept the little time to process just what project they had stumbled upon.

Shirazu just couldn't figure it out. Why was his mentor looking in to all these things? They guy obviously did some crazy, messed up stuff to have a kakuja. Why would he want to know? Did he not see the family before him, or that they would fight for him with every inch of their being his old "friends" would never? They never came for him for a reason. The CCG provided a home for their mentor just like Mutsuki - for all of them. If not for the CCG, his father probably would have thrown him on the streets and slammed the door. The CCG gave him something his blood family (or at least not his parents) never did. Did he really not see the oddly shaped family that is the Quinx Squad?

But then again, as much as Shirazu preferred blocking out his surroundings, he felt more than saw the watchful eyes. They tracked his team's every movement, waiting for them to slip. That's why they stuck together while in the main buildings. Too many people from all around like those Haise tended to avoid. Of course, many of the conflicting members were often away on long-term missions or simply no longer work in the main building if not necessary.

"Why don't the rest of you head to the meeting room," Haise suggested before slowing his step. "I'll be a moment."

Urie didn't even slow at his mentor's words, nor did he apologies when he bumped in to a dark haired man. The other three followed with Mutsuki murmur "Sorry." And this was why at least a fourth of the squads that ever worked with them filed complains. One would think a guy who wanted a promotion ASAP would show some manners, but no. Funny. Nothing seemed to work the way Urie ever wanted it. The four took a turn down another hall when the squad leader heard the man speak.

"Those your kids, Amnesiac?"

Shirazu halted, letting the others go before him.

"You can't even tell their nature except, y'know, that air around them? Like they're tails are between their legs?" The man spoke much quieter this time, and Shirazu felt his nails digging in to his palms. "Since when did you lead other freaks?"

* * *

"Since a year ago. Sorry, you haven't been in the loop," the ghoul sneered only to bit his lip. He took the bait, letting that man under his skin. The man's smile said it all at a too close of proximity to be comfortable. The man stood just a few inches taller than him, but the tactic worked. The sudden chill of the wall behind him made Haise flinch.

He knew just what button to push. "How do you even get that low to deny humanity, I wonder." Azuma turned away from Haise just as the ghoul bared his teeth. "Mental cases."

Haise grabbed the man's shoulder and took his time pronouncing every syllable, quiet yet strong. " _Do not_  talk about  _my_   _squad_  like that."

"Or what? You want a muzzle and a trip to Cochlea?" Brushing the hand off his shoulder, Azuma headed to the meeting room. And that was it. He lent against the wall. That was it: he couldn't lay a finger on the man even if he threatened to kill them. He was a ghoul, and his worth depended on usefulness and some popularity.

And this man, a renown figure for maintaining the CCG's "roots," held his leash. A top dog who's father and grandfather were major political figures, who's mother raise thousands in charity each year for orphaned-by-ghoul children - Important eyes had watched him from a young age. Even though he chose to join the CCG instead of going to law school, his friendship with especially Washuu Matsuri brought all eyes to him. Like his father, his words held power inside and out of the organization. Civilians admired his bull-headedness and fight for "the people." More than half of Japan agreed with him, that ghouls should be held at bay not integrated into society. They agreed killers should be killed.

That was it. Haise the ghoul from the very beginning never had a chance.

* * *

Shirazu spoke too loudly, Haise knew, and waited for the repercussions with his body braced. This wasn't the second or third time Shirazu cut in, and the eyes fell on Haise more than Shirazu, as if they were sending that glare to a mother and her crying baby in church.

"Shirazu," he sighed once again. And once more, the boy backed off, but all awaited for the next snap. Haise didn't know where this sudden aggravation came from. The boy nipped and picked wherever he could, sometimes for the good and other times not.

"Mind keeping your underlings in line, Sasaki?"

Haise couldn't help it. He rolled his eyes and let out a soft growl only his squad would catch. They were all sick of this meeting. "They're my squad. Not yours. I'll handle them as I please."

Azuma huffed and whispered beneath his breath, to quiet for a straining ghoul. Only those watching his lips would know the foul thing he said. "This is what a leash is for."

Shirazu saw it and opened his mouth only for Haise to grab his shoulder intensely. Shirazu looked to his sassan. He didn't realize how hard he clenched his fist until a careful hand was placed over his. He looked down at Saiko who shared the same power in her eyes, but instead of a fiery warning, stared back was a bone-chilling promise.

Haise wanted to do something - anything. Throw a punch, throw a  _chair_  - anything at this point. But instead, he held back his student and slowed his heavy breathing. He hated it, how this man knew just where to poke and pull to elicit a reaction out of him. Both Akira and Arima were not there for him to fight his battles, and neither could Haise pick up a sword without fearing the consequences - and, god, did he miss them. They were on a separate confidential assignment for over a week now - but he just wanted to talk to him, to hear them tell him how ridiculous he was for letting Azuma get beneath his skin.

His squad probably noticed his lack of participation in the meeting and realize just how weak he was. Won't even fight back, they would think. How could they ever trust him in combat if he couldn't handle a few mean words? Why would they even bother with him?

He prayed to never see that day.

"Sassan."

Haise hadn't even registered the people rising from their chairs and leaving the stuffy room. Almost all of his squad had already left. Now only stood the squad leader and himself. "Shirazu."

"Who the hell is that guy?"

He didn't have to say more. Haise knew immediately. "Azuma's just someone who doesn't agree with keeping ghouls in the CCG. A little old school."

Shirazu squinted, searching for something. "That doesn't excuse his shit."

"No, I don't suppose so. But no matter, Ginshi. He's not worth it, and you know it." Haise knew it. But that of course didn't make it any less frustrating.

The boy bit his lip, and Haise stood from his seat without another word. The rest of his team had been just outside the door listening. He ignored Shirazu's calls and headed to the elevator, passing the that damned man and his lackeys. One hummed and persed his lips.

"I still don't understand why the Washuu's thought it smart to put a bug beneath an exterminator's roof. Sure, Arima could kill him - no problem - it's just  _unnatural._ "

Shut up.

"Nah, at this point, it's a pet."

"Shut up!"

Shit. Ginshi.

The boy was right in the man's face, pointing at his chest and sending quick threats that echoed in the hallway to the offices. And then came the stares at the scene and the boy's mentor, glares one gave mother's. "You think you know anything, but you don't. So, shut up before I kick your-"

"Enough." It may not have been loud, but it cut through the tensity in the air. Shirazu's eyes widened, but before he could speak, Haise continued. "Enough. Let's go home."

"That's right. Walk away like the coward you are," Azuma laughed then added, "Unless you're going to use that fist for something. This is an all new low for you, Sasaki, letting your freak show do your dirty work."

And he almost did it. He almost raised his clenched fist and aimed his white knuckles at the man's cheek. But the eyes watched carrying their briefcases. They waited to break up a fight, some holding suppressors in their pockets, he knew.

"Shirazu, come." He didn't wait, only continued to the car.

* * *

Shirazu's blood boiled. If steam wasn't pouring out of his ears, he sure was going to burst. How dare they? Did they really think that his Sassan had any choice? Had they not been debriefed of the simple fact that Sasaki was not, by any means, born a ghoul and was stripped of his humanity by an eager surgeon? No, no. Breathe. But how fucking stupid can they be? Sure, he didn't learn much in the academy, but he thought human decency was something you were born with?

He'd seen this in school, the bullying. People picked on the ones who wouldn't - couldn't - fight back, and laughed when the person finally burst. They'd repeat day in and day out until finally that kid stopped showing up at all. Haise couldn't fight back, not without an uproar in the CCG, and everyone knew it.

And still, after all of those words, Haise still grasped for anything from his past, the desperation for any sort of stable truth now all so obvious. Their mentor never felt at "home" in the CCG. Shirazu should never have been so dumb to think so. And while his team would save him in every physical way, they could never stop the social outcasting. Haise would never be human, and that's something these people would never be able to look past.

That's it. Haise had to know. He made eye contact with Mutsuki, and the boy nodded.

* * *

The car ride remained deafening silent, but Haise didn't mind. He needed to calm himself and think. This was stupid, this little feud, and he knew it. And yet, stupid Haise, he kept taking the bait and Azuma never let up.

He didn't bother waiting for the Quinx before opening the front door and heading back to his room. He rubbed his eyes, knowing he still had to discussing the Quinx's part in the operation but didn't care at the moment. He wanted his bed and not much else.

But as soon as his door was open, he felt the pull, like he was forgetting something, and it would come back in pulses. Sometimes it was just this itching feeling or that feeling when he ran and his legs couldn't keep up and his upper body lent far too forward.

_"If I were a ghoul, . . ."_

Hide. Haise had never put a voice to the name before. A friend of Touka's?

_"- could I eat Yoshikawa from Class 2?"_

Playful, young - he felt the warmth from his voice. Hide must have been a student with him. He had to write it down. It became second nature to take out the board from his closet to the point Haise hardly registered the fact the yarn ball had moved or that some papers were stained until he finished writing down the phrase.

Oh. The coffee stains. They weren't from him. No, he wouldn't stupidly spill on this. And that's why his chest constricted.

"Oh my god," Haise choked out and dropped the board, the clatter ringing throughout the chateau. He tripped on his own feet stepping and as far away from the board as inhumanly possible. They knew, they knew, they knew. Hadn't he been waiting for this? For them to know about his closet secret and realize just how fucked up he was? That he couldn't let go?

"I'm sorry," he whispered to no one. He echoed the phrase again, and again, and again. What was he even sorry for? It's not like he ever stopped when he realized how it would hurt his squad. What if they were waiting to tell Arima or Akira? It's why he hasn't been put away yet in Cochlea. No, no, no no no no no.

* * *

The signal came in the clatter from upstairs, and the two Quinx knew instantly the source.

Mutsuki thought quickly and grabbed his wallet. "Hey, Saiko, can you pick up dinner for us? I'll give you some money." He sent off the girl back through the front door with a light, persistent shove. "Sorry."

Saiko eyed her teammate for a long moment. Mutsuki heard the careful tredge of Shirazu's feet heading towards the stairs. "What's wrong with Maman?"

"Just a bad day. Please don't worry. We just need to talk to him."

"Take care of him."

"Thank you," Mutsuki breathed once Saiko nodded. Hugging the taller boy, Saiko finally made her leave. As soon as she disappeared down the street, Mutsuki shut the door and made a bee-line for the stairs. He didn't bother with Urie, knowing his most silent teammate would make himself scarce on his own.

* * *

_"Put him down like the dog he is."_

The words rang like bells. Just when he had woken and started to show long-term memory progression, they had shouted outside his hospital room. He couldn't see yet with the throbbing beneath the bandages, but he would never forget the tone and pitch. Azuma was there from the beginning, fighting from letting a ghoul in their home, from letting the wolf walk around in their clothing, pretending to be something it never could be - never again.

And the project almost  _was_  dropped when they reconsidered the possible outcry from the public.

 _"It's broken, anyway."_ Broken, broken, broken. I'm sorry. You can't fix a shattered piece. It would never hold, and the pieces would fight to split up once more at the simplest touch. And there he was, searching for the old fucked up life he once had, the one where he tortured the thirteenth ward's Jason, the life that took others without reason. He attempted to trigger the monster beneath his skin.

"Sassan."

And there he was again, always there watching the ghoul break down from the inside out. Here comes the rejection and anger pointed towards him and the body he didn't want. Should he even bother apologizing when he knew how it would end? Why even call him "Sassan?" He wasn't fit for a teacher, and they all knew it - and yet they played this game of make-believe, watching him chip away. After all these weeks of hiding, his blanket of secrecy was lifted, and they knew just what their mentor refrained from admitting.

Behind him, Mutsuki stood at the closed door, blocking his escape. No weapons. That's a plus. They didn't plan to fight or even defend. How disgustingly pathetic he must have appeared, sitting with his legs drawn to his chest at the corner where the bed and wall met. His night stand fell at some point when he scurried away from the board.  _"It would never be human."_  But he tried. "I'm sorry."

"Shut up," he said and suddenly Shirazu was standing above him. "Just- don't you dare apologies. Stop it."

And here it came again: that same "no chance" scenario. At least Shirazu had brothers and sisters that claimed him to be human. At least the CCG created him and not some shady doctor. Shirazu may be of a lower class, but his status gave him leverage. Yet Haise would not beg. He would hold on to what little pride he had left behind a blotchy face and red-rimmed eyes. No more tears fell.

"Why" is all Shirazu asked before kneeling in front of his "sassan."

The ghoul croaked, "I had to know." But did he really? Was it worth the fact the people he called in front of the Shinigami "his kids" were watching him as if he were an animal? He had prayed long hard that the day would never come. He should have known luck never took his side.

The blonde shook his head. "Stupid."

At the corner of his eye, Sasaki saw the hand raising that bled in to a memory where the nails were manicured.  _"Stupid"_  she called him, and for a moment Haise was small and everything towered over him. He braced for the  _smack_  with eyes tightly shut.

But hands instead touched his back, and a soft yet unyielding pressure wrapped around him, and he thought the boy would simply drag him away. And yet they didn't move. Shirazu maintained a constant amount of strength and didn't move. Haise opening his eyes. It was awkward for sure, with his legs accounted for in this hug, and still Shirazu held him, saying nothing. He hiccuped.

He hid for so long, lied to many times, dodged over and over their questions, and here they were. One holding him and the other securing privacy. He didn't mean to, but he hiccupped again which grew in to a sob. The tears he stopped earlier flowed freely once more, and he held on to his student like a lifeline.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well that felt beautifully cliche. Just melts the heart right up. Just wait for part 3! Please leave a comment/review, and I'll update hopefully by next weekend! By the way, are there any characters you wish I would cover in any upcoming chapters?
> 
> Many commented that Azuma was very outward about his opinion. You can assume that Azuma is based off of certain political figures as you please. Something very important to candidential political positions for American positions like House of Rep, presidential, et cetera, is that candidates are expected to pick entirely different views, to represent the 180 opposite of the other. For Azuma, while we may look at him and think "asshole," this complete opposite is expected. And remember, that while obviously many people have accepted that Haise exist, that doesn't mean they have to stand up for him. This is also something I've noticed in my school. Think of that one kid in your school that people just don't like, and you listen to the rumours and start to share the same bias without meaning to, or maybe they made your friend look bad once. As soon as someone bad mouths them, do you stand up for them? In this case, Haise is ghoul, a hybrid, an enemy living under their roof, someone who fairly quickly won major awards and has Arima's favor - he's very easy to hate. Thus why I went a little overboard with the insults and lack of reaction from the other members. People don't react until it get's too loud or physical. (this is a really simplified explanation, but anyway)
> 
> These chapters have been a lot of fun to write. I'm still not satisfied with its appearance, but considering how little time I've had to do anything for entertainment, it's the best it's gonna get for now. Freak Show is heavily influenced by the bullying I've seen in my own school, Kafka's Metamorphosis, and tons of music. One day I ought to make a playlist.


	24. Freak show Pt 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey, look, part 3! Sorry for not posting over the weekend. Life is life, and I think I just applied to 4 colleges in an hour . . . Anyway, here's Part 3.

Though often never taking advantage of the multiple chances placed before her, Saiko quickly grasped it with little consideration. This was her Maman, after all, and one does not mess with her Maman without paying the consequences. Making her way to a coffee shop to wait, Saiko pulled out her phone and opened her contacts to Grandpapa.

* * *

"Can you talk?"

Haise finally nodded, slacking his grip on the back of the boy's shirt. He didn't mean to fall apart like that. Having left a wet spot on the shoulder of Shirazu's shirt, the ghoul did not even wipe his cheeks of tears. There wasn't a point, not when his pride was already gone - no pointing in hiding.

Shirazu took both of his hands, standing up first before pulling his mentor with him and off the floor and towards the bed. His body ached from the awkward position on the floor and the unexpected crying. If the Quinx would listen, Haise would have sent them out so he could sleep. Sadly, that would not be possible. Shirazu sat beside him while Mutsuki left his place in front of the door to the desk chair, keeping his distance for Haise's sake. He knew not to crowd their mentor. "Sasaki-"

Haise croaked without looking at either of them. "When'd you find it? How?" He usually was careful. Did he leave the board out? But with the coffee stains - they must have been angry.

Shirazu rubbed the back of his neck. "I may have been getting Saiko her hand-held and managed to trip. I found it while cleaning up." Funny how they didn't call it for what it was: the board filled with bits and pieces of a past forgotten by all but the select few who cared to remember. The list was small and incomplete, but existent and out of the subject's reach.

"That's some trip," Haise amused.

Mutsuki noticed his mentor's ploy to change the subject. "We don't think any less of you, okay?" It was abrupt enough for Haise to raise his eyes to him. "We care and . . . we get it - but we don't think less of you."

Haise nodded absent-mindedly. ". . . Okay."

"Seriously," Shirazu started, "we're family. It takes more than a little past searching to break us." Right? "How long have you been working on it?"

He remembered vaguely of the day it all started. It wasn't like a sudden "let's build a board with labels and string and all" thought, but more of one thought building in to another. Then a dream or feeling linked together that shouldn't have. And the sticky notes began to build, and the scarlet thread bound them together in this intricacy that just felt right, only making sense to him. "Months. A little before the Archive Coffeehouse case - Katsuo's case." That's when it really started: the beginning with Hide who he had failed to identify after all this time. He could be dead for all Haise knew, the boy whose name had escaped him from one dream to the next far before Katsuo's case.

His students shared a look before Shirazu spoke. "Why?" Mutsuki gave him a look but he only asked again with irritation leaking through. "Why? Why were you hiding from us?"

The ghoul's chest ached. Shirazu had this way with bluntness that left no space for excuses, and all that was left was the raw guilt. He swallowed down the lump in his throat. No, don't start crying again. "I-I didn't know how you would react." Akira once told him half-truths were as bad as lies, but he held his tongue.

"You thought we'd hate you," Mutsuki said rather than asked.

The man nodded, dragging a hand through his hair. His temples pulsed with every breath.

"We don't hate you," Shirazu stated.

"Why?"

"Don't get me wrong, Sassan, I'm pissed you hid from us. But honestly, if this is the worst thing you do, then thank god."

Recalling Azuma's words, Haise fought back from covering his mouth. If only they knew what he had done - leaving a body in pieces. And there was more that itched at the surface just out of reach. There must be a reason no one came for him, when it hit the media that a ghoul walked freely inside the CCG headquarters and his "name" spread across Japan. Surely, someone must have grown curious and recognized him.

His pulsed drowned out the sound of his subordinates.

But no one came. No one ever came.

Did Touka fear him? Is that why when they first met in :Re she stared as she did, fearing he may recognize her?

" . . . -aise?" Mutsuki watched him as he shook his head.

"Sorry."

"Don't apologize."

"Sor- right. . . Okay."

"I was saying I think you should to talk to someone. If not us, then maybe Akira or Ari-"

" _No._ " He bit his cheek at the boy's flinch, clenching his dress pants in his palms. "No. They can't know."

"Okay. . . Will you talk to us?"

He felt so stupid when he thought about his actions, pouting like a child with mom and dad consoling him. He was twenty two and being cared for by kids that hardly knew him, knew the  _real_  him. He didn't want to talk, not to anyone because that meant admitting that everything he had done was wrong, and he couldn't handle that. He had a reason, but Arima would never listen. He could never confide in Akira, as she would only report her findings to Arima. His only role models would turn against in the blink of an eye, he knew.

And these were just kids that wanted to bear his secrets so they could cripple under Akira's gaze. They couldn't be trusted. No one could be trusted with the nagging thoughts at the back of his mind, that itch that told him  _everything was wrong_.

None would understand what drove him to seek for something else because they had never felt the eyes. Years past, and the eyes still lingered at a distance, waiting for him to fuck it up. And the outcasting would never end, not in the CCG at least. The CCG would never be  _home_  as it was for the Quinx.

_"Freakshow."_

No, that wasn't quite right, was it?

"Is this because of that Azuma guy?" Shirazu assumed.

Sometime Haise feared that these kids could read his mind.

"You know he's wrong, right, Sassan?" When the older man didn't answer, Shirazu stood, poking a finger to Haise's chest. "Hey, right? You said so yourself, 'he's not worth it.' None of the things he said were true."

He didn't like how boy stood over him. Suppressing a growl, Haise answered, "Not entirely."

"Don't you dare start believing him." Small. He felt small again, suffocating.

"You don't know what I've done," he spat. Or maybe they did, if they ever listened to the newbies not so quiet discussions.

"That isn't you anymore. Sassan, you aren't that man anymore. You're Sasaki Haise, a teacher for the first batch of misfits to undergo the quinque implant surgery. You like to teach at the academy on your day offs, or take over Katsuo's lessons, or help me with my bike. You prepare snacks for Suzuya every time you plan to meet.  _You_ ," he poked sharply at Haise's sternum," who can't even eat it, will make breakfast, lunch, and dinner without us ever asking. Does that sound like a killer to you?"

Sasaki stared up at the boy before him, brash and emotional, but he  _got it_  long before Haise did.

"And you're not alone," he continued, "you have us, and there's no way we were gonna let you leave. You're important to us, even that idiot Urie. Who else is going to keep his ass in line?" Haise snorted.

"You're family, Sasaki," Mutsuki chimed in and Shirazu moved for the two to make eye contact. "We don't have much of that, us Quinx. We can't afford to lose anyone." He fidgeted with his hands. "Sorry if it sounds a bit sappy, but we love you and don't want to lose you. You're past doesn't have to be a barrier."

Were they tell him to forget? To ignore the dangers and precautions he had set for himself? There was a reason for keeping them at arm's length. Of course, they would never understand, being afraid of themselves or their capabilities. If he hadn't known the little he did about his past, they would be dead, either from the Serpent confrontation or Auction Raid. But he kept them safe by knowing and staying distant.

If I killed you . . . .

"You would never."

Shit, he said it aloud.

"I know you," Shirazu said, "And you would never,  _ever,_  let anyone hurt us - not even yourself. Remember the Chopper case?"

How could he forget? With Mutsuki lying in his own blood beneath that ghoul's foot, the unexplainable  _snap_  of a rib.  _A thousand minus seven._

"You protected Mutsuki - all of us - by putting yourself in harm's way for  _us._ You could have ran since you knew we really had no chance. But instead of getting your ass out of there, you told us to run. You looked out for us in spite of the chance you wouldn't make it out alive. And you did it before with the Serpent case. You knew what you had to do, and you saved us. A bunch of rookies you weren't all that close with - you protected us by going past your limits."

"Only to go beserk," Haise softly added.

"You wouldn't have attacked us."

"I wasn't in control."

The fire grew and Shirazu went back to knocking his chest. "You were still in there." He jabbd again. "Your movements were sluggish," a jab, "because you were fighting. Hell, Saiko could've handled you if she batted her eyes the right way."

Haise still shook his head. They could say all they want, but the possibility still stood. He wasn't in control. He snapped with Chopper, something monstrous, predatory took over that day, and he couldn't stop it until he brought the ghoul to cowering, muttering robotically numbers going down by seven. Nothing could stop him, not even himself, and if it had been Mutsuki he'd done that to . . . He would never forgive himself. He could hardly forgive himself for the things he already had done to his knowledge.

"When were you planning to leave?"

Haise jolted, his eyes locking with the boy in the desk chair.

"When?"

"I-" he began to mutter. "No - I wasn't planning on leaving - I"

Mutsuki released the breath he had been holding. "Thank god."

"Did you really . . ?"

"Yah. You didn't look like you wanted to stay."

He tried to imagine running away. Where would he go? The CCG would surely look for him, tagging him as a traitor. There was nowhere to hide, really. Sooner or later, they would find him and either put him down or reset him.

But to leave would mean the kids would be vulnerable. He shielded from so much of the CCG's wrath. Saiko would never survive, and Mutsuki couldn't keep up. Shirazu's attitude would get him dropped. And Urie -they'd break the little bit of humanity left in him. Another Arima, he thought, just like himself.

Except Haise opened up to them. They wriggled their way through the gaps in his barrier.

"I would never leave. I . . I can't leave you here, with them."

The Quinx nodded in unisone.

Before even registering his words, Haise said, "I'm sorry for worrying you. I didn't mean to." Like it made a difference. "I'm not leaving."

Mutsuki nodded once more. "Thank you."

"Now that that's settled, what now?" Shirazu asked.

Haise understand but asked anyway. "What?"

"What to do with the board, with Azuma, with all this stuff."

"You don't have to-"

"We're your team. Of course, we're going to do something. I'm not letting you hold yourself up in here with that guy running around spatting shit."

"It's fi-"

Shirazu glared at him. "It's not fine."

"It doesn't matter, Ginshi." His hair stood up once dragging his hand through it. He felt much older than he looked. Being a ghoul did this funny thing where wrinkle lines and exhaust should be only showed smooth perfect skin. No scars. He would get wrinkles years later everyone else did, always look younger even though he felt a thousand years older. "I can't touch him. Being a ghoul and all. If I slip up, even if it's his fault, he gets a slap on the wrist and I jail time. That's just how it works."

"But he's not invincible to us."

"Don't bother. You do anything, and I'll take the fall - you know that." When Shirazu shook his head, the man sighed. "He can't be touched."

"Arima?" suggest Mutsuki.

"Can only make sure the two of us meet as little as possible." Haise looked at the clock. 6:47pm. He should have started preparing dinner an hour ago. "We can continue this another, okay? I'm tired, and you're all probably hungry."

The two Quinx shared a look, searching for more to say but only turned back to him in defeat. "Okay." They would continue another day.

* * *

Saiko liked to think herself as creative. How many can say they could convince a Shinigami to take part in a scheme with the chateau's fairy? Her and her alone. This was certainly going to be interesting.

* * *

The next day at CCG headquarters was long and tiresome. Little did the team sleep (except Saiko, of course) with so many thoughts and worries (except Urie). Haise really didn't want to look at anyone today, and yet he still sat with his team behind him for another day long meeting because the Washuus took pleasure in watching their greatest investigators cripple and turn against each other after hours of no progression. Though they still had another half hour, the Quinx squad sat ready, mostly for their mentor to compose himself. They sat calm, two sharing glances of worry while another played their music. Saiko had gone to the bathroom some time ago but hadn't come back, likely having run in to Akira. Haise thanked the silence, though. He needed to plan his words, to build a mask so as to not show emotion. This was something he was used to, a routine at least, and he accepted it to cope with all the racing thoughts in his head.

He didn't even register the bang of the door until Shirazu grabbed his shoulder.

"You!"

Haise's eyes followed the source of the shout, but as soon as he focused on the subject, crinkled showed at the corners of his eyes for only a second. For there stood a man, he knew the voice as Azuma but not this particular style of makeup, slick with a substance Haise didn't even want to guess that must have coated his face and drenched mostly on his waist. And over the top was a white powdery substance and  _feathers_  littering his hair and face, all the way down to his waist.

"You fucking-" Shirazu moved between as Azuma roared, "- piece of shit!" Before Haise could even register what was happening, Azuma grabbed on to the boy's collar and shook him with enough force to cause head trauma. "I know you fucking tampered with my car!" There was a bang as the boy fell onto the side of the table across the room, but he picked himself up before the man came at him again. "You think you're fucking funny, don't ya?" Haise moved as quick as possible with Mutsuki right behind him. "Trying to make a fool out of me. But guess what, I can make your freak show life a living, fucking hell!" Azuma balled his hand in to a fist and pulled back to give the blow.

The world stood still, as the man raised his arm, his fist held back by the nails biting in to the papery skin of his forearm. Haise held him, his kakugan on display as his grip tighten, not enough to break skin but close. Nothing could be heard but the venom in the ghoul's voice. "Don't. Fucking. Touch. Him."

"Fuck off." Azuma tried to pull away with a scowl, but the ghoul did not let go. There were no eyes. He could do it. He could  _hurt him_  for all the shit he's pulled. But even as these thoughts manifested, a touch to his arm, Mutsuki, told him how stupid that thinking was. Not because of the consequences, but because this guy _wasn't worth it._

"Let. Go."

"He pulled the first punch, Amnesiac."

"Azuma!" Haise had never seen the color drain so quickly from a person's face. The man who called him stood in the doorway with his quinque out, pointing towards them. Arima. Beside him stood Director Washuu and little behind him hid Saiko. "Go home," Washuu commanded. "You're suspended."

"Washuu, you see what he fucking did?! Look at me!"

"I'll see to it that this is handled probably.  _Go."_

This must look pretty ridiculous: a man coated in  _something_  that smelt too sweet being held back by a ghoul. Not his best day.

The man's arm shook in Haise's grasp. He obviously wasn't used to being told what to do, but finally, his grip slackened on the collar of Shirazu's shirt. Only then did Haise let go and retract his kakugan. "Are you okay, Ginshi?" he asked using the boy's first name. A tremor fled through him, the adrenaline washing away and leaving him cold.

"I'm fine."

Washuu stepped forward. "Sasaki, I would like to apologize for ignoring this for so long. I shouldn't have let it come to this. Threatening your squad will not be tolerated nor him attacking you. I'm sorry for not stepping in earlier."

Haise nodded but said nothing. "You know as well as I that there is still little I can do to him. . . But I will do my best to ensure the safety of my employees." Then Washuu turned to the boy allegedly behind all of this. "Shirazu, were you the one to tamper the car?"

The boy didn't hesitate. "Yes."

"Probation. No more slip ups for the month." The man said his goodbyes and left, leaving the Quinx and Arima. Only probation? He broke in to an official's car . . .

Haise turned to the boy. "Did you-"

"I did it." All eyes turned to Saiko in under a second. She hesitated for a second under all their gazes but continued. "Well, Arima and I did it. He's rude to Maman."

"You?" Shirazu gaped. "But how-"

"Azuma doesn't lock his car," explained Arima. "When Saiko called, I picked her up, gathered some supplies, and fixed his airbags."

"We set the airbag to go off with my handheld." She showed the group her program. "As soon as he parked within reach of the handheld's connection, I set it off - and  _boom_ , syrup, powdered sugar, and feathers everywhere!"

". . . Tampering, Arima?" Haise questioned with a growing smile on his face.

"Saiko's rubbed off on me."

He shook his head. He was surrounded by such stupid people who fought for him when he wasn't worth it. But he was grateful. Hands wrapped around his waist, and he opened his eyes to see Saiko holding him. "I wasn't going to let him bully Maman."

His voice gave, but none of them commented. "T-Thank . . . Thank you."

* * *

They drove for miles, the two of them, far enough that the city lights and pollution no longer hid the stars only a week after everything broke down. The only guidance came from the headlights of the car down a long, twisting road with trees on both sides. They cast looming shadows and hid creatures of the night, all except for their eyes that watched them pass. It wasn't until miles out of the city's sight that the car finally slowed and parked on the side of a gravel road.

"You ready?" the boy asked from the passenger seat. When Haise didn't answer, he added, "I'll wait outside for you," before unbuckling and opening the car door.

He was going to do it. After all this time, he was going to give in to the nagging from the back of his mind since the day he started the board. He felt for the cardboard box inside his pocket, gripping it tight enough to bend the corners then releasing. When Mutsuki had asked what he planned to do with the board, he truly did not know. It held so much of his time and effort, a project that took him away from the others for so many nights, he couldn't let go. It was like a drug. Add more here, research on this, rewrite that as soon as you get home - it consumed him.

But as the saying goes, old habits die hard.

He took a deep breath before stepping out of the car, the snow crunching beneath his feat and dry air sobering him.

Shirazu had already began gathering dry wood from the back of the car and piling it on a dry patch from any snow. Haise sighed, silently thanking the boy as he worked. Funny how hardly anyone knew how patient and understanding the usually brash and loud boy could be when it mattered. Soon enough Haise joined him.

Once they compiled a balanced peak of firewood, Shirazu went back to the car for kindling like paper and flint while Haise fondled the box in his pocket once more. When Shirazu returned, the two made quick work. From his pocket, the man pulled the box of matches, sliding out a match. Though his hands shook, not from the cold, the match caught fire on the first strike and set ablaze to the dry wood.

And again, Shirazu went to the trunk of the car for the final piece. He placed it in his teacher's hands and stood away from the man. He needed it, needed the silent comfort at a distance still at arm's length if needed. His gloved hands clenched around the boarder of the board. It stood out like a sore thumb in the middle of the forest - unnatural with its vivid pictures and scarlett web. Blotted words and numbers of a madman decorated the boarder of the tacked articles that he searched for far past the time to go home from CCG headquarters, awaiting the archive's vacancy.

Some articles and names held no connections, no lines or aliases. They free floated on the board patiently for Haise to solve their mysteries. At one point he believed he could do it. He could discovered it all and find the people who let him go. He imagined the reunion. To the ones that honed good feelings, they would drop the glass in their hands with eyes wide when they saw him, saw it in his eyes that  _he knew_. They'd welcome him back like he was only on vacation.

Would his mother be among them? he wondered. Hide, the boy from his dreams - would he be there, too?

But all of it didn't matter - not anymore, at least. He came to understand that the illusions he built were merely  _illusions_. They held no base, just the high hopes of a child. After all, he was CCG and they, most likely, all ghouls - except, maybe, his mother. But nonetheless, they were distant with reason.

And they were the past. They were his darkest moments, the ones that haunt his sleep on the nights he woke sick on his knees in front of the toilet. They crept under his skin and made him feel that he was in the wrong body, that nothing could be real. They made him doubt Shirazu's heart and Mutsuki's admiration, the daughterly relationship between him and Saiko and the encouragement to outdo the other from Urie. Their whispers made the eyes worst, he knew.

And so now he stood in the middle of the forest with his student watching him, coaxing him to move forward and towards the growing heat of the flames. They reached waist high, lighting the forest in a soft, orange glow that drove out the shadows and monsters. Its cackled drowned out the whispers and warnings that would tell him to stop, turn back around, and head home. But he was too far to say no now.

And so he took a step forward and then another. With his grip too tight, he began to slacken, slowly lessening the pressure until nothing held the board in place and it fell out of his hands and on top of the licking flames. Sparks flew at the impact. The flames engulfed it quickly, making quick work of the paper that blackened and curled in on itself. He could feel the heat burning the hairs on his forearms, yet Haise didn't move back. Instead he watched through watery eyes his work turn to black. The yarn fell apart next, turning dark and crippling.

A hand gripped his shoulder as he watched, that silent comfort meaning more than the boy would ever know. What a waste of a perfect good office board, he thought. The corners folded first, but unlike the paper, it held mostly its original shape, only shriveling black. He watched on for what felt like seconds, but when Shirazu called his name and touched his forehead, he knew it must have been over an hour. The flames were lower, and his backside was numb along with his nose and ears.

Haise said nothing as Shirazu guided him to the passenger side of the car. Shirazu took the driver's seat only after ensure Haise put on his seatbelt, then brought the engine to life. They drove back all those miles, exiting the forest and back to the safety of the city lights, leaving the burden in a charred heap for anyone to find. The only people who the knew the significance were long gone.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I think that's a wrap! I can't help but love Saiko for simply existing. I don't know why, but it just makes me happy. And can you imagine her being bros with Papa Arima? I love it. Again, as always, this could be a lot better in content and getting my points across - but I college/scholarship essays for absorbing all my creativity. I advise you work on time management skills early (definitely had my not so high moments this few weeks).
> 
> I also want to explain my choice of ending: From the beginning I never wanted Haise to actually gain back his memories. For some reason, it felt more important that he accepted himself as he is now and let go of his past. I mean, that's a humanly thing to do, to let go and move forward, and keep moving forward. While I still have stuff planned for Touka, and I still want Haise to confront old friends, I think it is best that he doesn't seek it out. The Quinx are his family, and that's why I started this fic. I wanted to explore their relationship, not how Hasie would react to the ghost of his past, but more of how these ghost affect the kids' relationship. There were definitely chapters where I ignored the Quinx, and that's why I want to bring back the focus to them. . . I hope that makes sense. Feel free to ask me anything if you have questions or just want to comment on the chapter/storyline.
> 
> Question: What is your favorite fanfic/story involving Haise? I don't usually go out and search for stories (especially because I've fallen behind on most of the stories that I am following), but I was wondering if anyone had any recommendations.
> 
> And another Question: Does anyone have this nagging feeling that one of the Quinx are going to die before the end of the manga? I just have this feeling that something's going to happen and one of them will be killed as a message/warning, my fear particularly revolving around Saiko and Shirazu. I was just curious if anyone has noticed anything while reading TG:Re or has had the same feeling.
> 
> Please don't expect a chapter anytime soon. I need to fix my computer, write a few college essays, do a few book reports, and catch up on a lot of fanfics and books.


	25. Quit Whining

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Because he's is a bitchy child who needs love. Also, this chapter is influenced by Tokyo Ghoul Fluff Week.
> 
> Minor Warning: Urie has a potty mouth and an even worse internal dialogue.

This was absolutely the shittiest day since falling under Sasaki's command. All he wanted was to go on a jog to clear his sinuses and work on the case, but nope. Instead, the fairy trying to a spoonful of cough syrup in his mouth while Shirazu laughs just behind her. Absolutely stupid.

"Open up!" Saiko grinned, nudging the spoon at his lips, but the boy only glared.  _Shove off._

Shirazu cackled. "Such a child."

"Fuc-" In the middle of his insult, Saiko took her chance and shoved the spoon of syrup in his mouth nearly gagging him. He coughed and sputtered and tried to shove her off, but the idiot wouldn't move. Dear god, this was his life. "Saiko, knock it-" Once more Urie never finished as a series of coughs shook his frame, but at least Saiko took that as clue.

The other only cackled. "Not so tough when you got a "wittle" cough!" Shirazu mocked. He'd been waiting for this moment for so long. For months, since working beneath Urie while the guy was still squad leader who rolled his eyes and did everything himself. Now the tables were turned. He grinned to Mutsuki, who stood off the side wringing his fingers and admiring the few art pieces lent against the wall on one side of the room. Before they had barged in to the room, Mutsuki had said this was an invasion of privacy but had gone along with them. Silent, but not planning to leave.

"Y'know," Mutsuki started, not standing a fine distance away from the canvases, "these a really pretty."

Urie rolled his eyes and snarled, his voice husky, "Did I say you can snoop? Why the hell won't you leave?" Though usually threatening, his voice gave at then end, and Mutsuki continued glancing about at his painting.

"'Cause Muu-chan is sick," Saiko grinned as she laid at the end of his bed kicking her feet. "We couldn't just leave you here at a time like this."

"This is the  _best_ time to be alone. Now leave."

"Hmm..."

"I hate all of you."

"Screw you - you love us!" Shirazu snorted. "You just won't admit it."

God, now was not the time. His head pounded and his body trembled uncontrollably. His ears rang louder with each passing second - in spite of the medicine - and all he wanted to do then was curl in to a ball in a dozen and dream of their deaths because, really, one mom was bad enough. But a fairy, an over self-conscious teen, and an ass? No one deserved that. He could manage, Urie told himself. It's been two years since the squad's formation, and he didn't survive this long by submitting to their squishy, familial personalities - not at all. Honestly, the only reason the Quinx program is still going on is because he pulled more than twice of Saiko's weight, working overtime on cases in his room while everyone else slacked off. If he could manage a team of middle school girls and  _exceed_  the CCG's expectation, he could handle a twenty-four hour sickness with them while shaking like a chihuahua.

Right?

Not at this rate no. Now with his head feeling like it would split at any moment. And why the hell is Saiko taking up all his legroom. He wanted to yell at Mutsuki for going through his crap without asking, but raising his voice hurt his throat.

"Kill me."

"Too easy. You gotta at least be standing when I kick your ass."

"Fuck off?"

"Not gonna happen."

Urie groaned, laying back in his bed.

"Saiko, you got the movies?"

Movies? The said girl pulled out a tablet. "Done."

"Pillows and blankets, Mutsuki?"

"On it."

"And I got the goldfish. Scoot over."

"Hell no."

"Too bad." Before he knew it, the three people he deals with everyday, who  _cannot_  understand the concept of a sick day, are laying on his bed watching who the hell knows when he  _could be_  researching classic ghoul cases - it seems the recent Black Widow case may be another copy cat - while wrapped in blankets or doing  _anything_  more productive than this.

A grumbled and cursed, and he nudged, trying to shove them off. And nothing he did could make them move. Perfect. Just perfect. He sat back in bed and watched the flashing colors on the screen, giving up.

He guessed this was how Haise usually felt, being unable to pull the reigns on these three. Urie hated it, this lack of control. He couldn't yell, his threats only made Saiko laugh, and his sick body could only exert so much force to get them off his bed. The shift in light and colors from the screen wasn't helping. He closed his eyes and tried to ignore Shirazu nudging him every time he stuck his hand in the  _carton_  of goldfish. Since when did they even sell in that size?

This movie had too much singing. That's probably why he hardly watched movies as a kid, and the accents didn't help. Something about St. Petersburg and stories of winter. It wasn't until the music slowed that the pounding in ears dulled. About time the medicine kicked in. Urie couldn't even pinpoint the last time he had been sick - or his father, for that matter. In this line of work, there's no time to be sick. Plus, with a half-ghoul body, Urie had thought his strengthened immune system would protect him from colds and flus.

Did Sasaki ever get sick?

At least he wasn't shivering anymore. This was nice, to be warm.

* * *

He must have dozed off because the next thing he knew, his room was empty, and a damp cloth laid over his forehead. His throat was still dry but could once again breath through his nose.

A soft knock came at the door, kinder on his ears than when the squad had barged into his room.

But it still wasn't welcomed. "Leave me alone." His throat still hurt, and god, why didn't he remember to get a glass of water?

The door opened anyway because  _obviously_  no one in the house understood privacy.

"I said-" and again, Urie never finished his statement. "What do you want, Sasaki?" This always annoyed his mentor, using his last name when it was only them.

"How are you feeling?" Gradually, the residents of the chateau had learnt not to indulge in Urie's questions.

"Shitty."

"With good reason."

And here comes the talk. Urie had waited for this for more than a month. Of course Sasaki would pounce when Urie couldn't run.

"You've been running yourself ragged for weeks now."

"It's just work."

"Work shouldn't be killing you."

Urie rolled his eyes and said before thinking, "You would know."

Shit. Out of the corner of his eye, Sasaki flinched, balling his fist in his lap. It wasn't a time any of them wanted to remember, when Sasaki saw through them and his gaze was like a snake watching  _its_  mouse - predatorial, devoid of emotion. Urie shivered at the thought of his mentor, or rival - whatever you want to call him- straddling the ghoul Chopper with his kagune piercing each one of the ghoul's limbs as it counted down. What would have happened if it reached zero? Start over? Sasaki serve the final strike?

Then moments later, Haise was the wounded animal in the corner, like when Azuma came around headquarters or after a moment of lossed control. Haise would lock himself in his room during these times, only showing his masked face for meetings and training. There were darker moments even, like when Haise had his first episode in front of them, clutching his ears, screaming for them  _to get it out_. . .

And Haise especially did not want to remember. Urie may not have stuck around to talk about the little secret Shirazu found in the closet, but it obviously connected with their mentor's mood for the past several months. Now that it was settled, Haise had calmed tremendously. And based off of Akira's attitude, she knew nothing of the whole ordeal, nor did Arima. But that didn't mean nobody noticed.

Nonetheless, after Urie's careless words, Haise exhaled and responded calmly, something the younger envied. "Which is why I'm taking more day offs, taking time for myself so that none of you have to see that again."

"I'm not having a . . . "  _Mental breakdown._ He bit his tongue. "I'm not breaking."

". . . No, but you're not sleeping. You're not giving your mind or body time to relax, and it shows. Even Arima commented, and it takes  _a lot_  to get Arima to express his worry verbally."

Ah, that would explain why Ui spoke with Urie a while back, saying something similar to Sasaki's words. "You do know I'm just sick? Everyone gets sick once in a while and I'll be up by tomorrow."

"Not ghouls," Sasaki added dryly. "Not ghouls outside of Cochlea."

"Last time I checked, I was having goldfish shoved down my throat."

"What?"

"Just the bastard Shirazu."

Haise shook his head and continued. "You, Shirazu, and the others haven't been sick in over two years since I've met you. Your immune systems are higher than any humans. You _shouldn't_  get the common cold or flu."

There were moments like these when the lecture voice came on, and Urie felt much like Shirazu where he had to force himself to focus, especially now when he's been holding in a cough for several minutes. But who was Sasaki to be commenting on his health? "And so. . . "

"The only reason you would be sick is because of far too much stress."

The dull ache near his temples came back. "Listen, Sasaki, I'm doing my job at a hundred and ten percent like I should be."

"To get in to S3," Haise concluded, as if Urie didn't emphasize this point every time they take on a case. Who knew trying to have a civil conversation with the guy could be so absolutely frustrating?

"Exactly. So I'm not going to 'take it easy' and waste time relaxing when I could be working."

"You should be, though."

"You're not my dad," Urie scoffed then paused. What a childish, overused phrase that could say nothing or far too much between the lines. And of course, the bookworm Sasaki would start psycho-analyzing him like the annoying asshole he was. This is why Urie chooses not to talk if unnecessary.

Haise noticed the change in atmosphere, and his gaze softened. "I know. And I know I can't fix everything, but my job is to get you, Ginshi, Saiko, and Tooru through the day, and if I can't even do that? Then what am I even doing?" He paused like he usually does when he's about to request or make a promise, and Urie braced for it. "Don't put yourself through the ground, okay? I don't want to see that day." Funny how Haise always described himself as much older, even though he only had Urie by a few years. Still, Urie saw it in his mentor's eyes. Sure, they say he doesn't remember, but that "intuition?" That's from experience. It carried over much like the memory of riding a bicycle. Some things stuck in spite of everything.

How annoying that Haise used those glazed, grey eyes on him, looking like he might cry. Who is even cold enough to say no to those eyes without half of Japan threatening the person's demise? Fucking hell. "Fu-Fine."

And at that, a grin crossed Sasaki's face. "Thank you." His mentor then headed towards the door and opened it once more. Faintly, but surely, Urie heard the murmur of that bastard humming to himself and saying, "He's all yours."

Then came Saiko holding a tub of ice cream with the other two behind her, Shirazu carrying a flat screen and Mutsuki the DVD player.

. . . Goddammit.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Our favorite asshole, everyone.
> 
> So, I noticed something with my college friends, that they honestly spend all their free time getting together to watch disney movies and eat goldfish. I've even been told my Christmas present from one of them will be goldfish and a DVD of Anastasia (which I'm not complaining about). But, anyway, I could totally see the Quinx doing the same thing Friday nights or on sick days, just pretending to be kids since they never really got to be kids.
> 
> So. . . . With the latest chapters of TG:Re . . . my obsession with "Dream" by Imagine Dragons is fitting better and better. Just sayin'.
> 
> Question (because I don't remember this being mentioned in TG): Can ghouls take drugs and vitamin supplements? I was thinking while writing this that if ghouls can drink coffee (which coffee beans consist of fats, carbs, and proteins), and then get all other nutrition from flesh, is it just a matter that the ghoul body can't digest anything out of these sources, or could they? When we think that the human body is made up of water, oxygen, carbon, nitrogen, calcium, phosphorus, and smaller traces of potassium, sulfur, sodium, chlorine, and magnesium . . . we still have to think of hormone secretion. For example, melatonin is hormone that induces sleep, but it is also found in food and can be bought as a supplement. So, can ghouls take these supplements? . . . . So yah, I've thought way too hard on how a fictional species' eats and thrives. . . .
> 
> Please leave a comment/review, and hopefully I'll update over winter break!


	26. Funny

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Fair warning: Shirazu has a mouth, and I haven't even tried to edit this. . .

Funny how Saiko called him Maman. Sure, Sassan filled the role pretty well with his cooking skills, and  _that one time they crossdressed and Haise did his own makeup_ , but that's beside the point. Sassan was more than all the men Shirazu knew combined. It just took some time to realize it, especially when he never had a good reference to begin with. Shirazu feared it would rub on to him.

That trait of Haise's showed in those long days in the garage of the chateau, balanced on the pads of his feet leaning beside Shirazu in front of the boy's bike. In the beginning, only Shirazu visited the garage, spending his free time on one of his first purchases after the quinque surgery. Rust coated the old thing. Missing valuable pieces, like an engine, shifter, even the seat, and some bolts and gears, the motorcycle was little less than scrap metal. But with something to keep him busy from his rather antisocial teammates, he accepted the challenge. It wasn't like they did much besides training. It wasn't until a month into training that Haise got curious and checked on Shirazu in the garage, who tinkered away with his headphones blasting in his ears. Never would admit jumping at his mentor's touch or the feminine squeal that came from him,  _or_  how red his cheeks flushed. Of course who would make a shitty impression and screw up his image so quickly. He was supposed to be soldier, right? That's why they recruited him.

"There's a pawn shop on Twelfth Street that have some of the parts you need," Haise mentioned casually, ignoring Shirazu's moment of unmanliness. "Make a list and we'll check it out tomorrow."

Since when did Haise know how motorcycles even work let alone the intricacies that made it function? Just a few books, Sassan had replied like it was the most obvious answer. Apparently, there was a book for everything these days which Haise offered to lend to his student. Funny. How funny. This man who cooked better than most housewives just happened to share his interest in mechanics.

And so the two went shopping the next as Haise promised

* * *

But like any other person, Shirazu had his bad days where the clouds hung lower than usual, and nothing seemed to go right. Everything he did screwed something up, but he couldn't stop that brashness until it was too late, and he could swear he heard his bastard of a father laughing somewhere watching his son make a fool of himself.

He recalled it to be Father's day, a day that left a bitter taste in his mouth. He should call his siblings, make sure the man hadn't left them again to get pissed drunk, maybe see if Haise would let them stay at the chateau a night or two because honestly the guy's unbearable sober let alone drunk. They didn't need to be around that.

His mood showed during training, getting agitated at Urie's casual taunts that slipped off his tongue so easy. His face pissed him off, and he imagined tearing those goddamned moles off his cheek just below his eyes. His movements were sloppy and his strikes intense, powerful but not controlled. He went down quickly by Urie. And then again. And then again. Each time Shirazu grew more frustrated and desperate to land a blow, playing dirty.

And Sasaki noticed.

"We're done."

"What?" They had only just begun. Warm ups had hardly finished.

"You're dismissed. Shirazu, stay." The boy's knuckles turned white as the three watched him from the corner of theirs eyes, and there was the smugness of Urie's that pissed off Shirazu to no end. He couldn't do it, the glances, this day and what it entails. He could scream - _would_ have screamed if Sasaki didn't stand just feet away from his wearing that face. It reminded Shirazu of his teachers, that pity for the poor boy with poor circumstances. But soon enough that pity would turn to anger and frustration. He would give up like the rest of them, Shirazu knew.

He expected a list of the common questions. "What's wrong with you?" "Why are you so angry?" "What can I do?" "Do you know it's wrong - you could have hurt someone." Yes. Yes, he knew. And at the moment, he didn't care.

But none of these questions came nor the accusations. Instead Haise stood before him in a fight stance. "Knock me off my feet, and I'll buy a new engine for your bike."

At first, the words didn't register, then it took another moment to assess whether or not Haise was serious. The engine was the last necessary piece to make the bike run. Shirazu still had another month until his paychecks stacked up enough for him to afford the right engine. And here Sasaki was, offering him his final piece  _now._  Getting out of town this weekend sounded really nice. "And if I don't manage it?"

"You answer any question I want. Actually, let's add on: If you win, new engine and any question you want. If I win, you answer one question. I'll even keep one hand behind my back."

Shirazu wasn't sure if he should feel insulted. Plus, Shirazu wasn't in the mood for talking, and Haise would definitely ask about why he was pissed (as if the guy hadn't read his file already).

But then again, his mentor seems to keep his life rather private, and there are only so many opportunities to get Sasaki to open up. Shirazu knew nothing of the man before falling under his command. This could be interesting. Any question? This could also be awkward based on the question. Asking if Sasaki and Arima were friends with benefits might be off the list of possible questions simply because  _he didn't need that answered._  . . But this could be interesting.

And the disadvantage of Haise not using an arm should make this easy. Shirazu grinned. "Fine."

The boy didn't wait, rushing towards the man at full speed, preparing to  _slam him to-_

But Haise merely sidestepped and guided the boy to the ground where he face planted. Shirazu stood again, taking Haise from the side, which Sasaki dodged with ease. A punch, a kick. Gripping his foot, Sasaki twisted the boy's ankle with his left hand, the other (his dominate hand, he might add) still behind his back, and twisted Shirazu until the boy fell.

It didn't take long for him to see red. No way would he let this guy make a fool out of him, not today when everything was already shitty enough. His pops would be laughing if he saw him. He breathed through his nose and imagined that asshole standing before him, wearing the smug look that pissed him off. Proper motivation, Shirazu thought.

But Shirazu only stood once more and made another jab - miss. His breathing came ragad. Another punch - miss. Uppercut - miss. He tried taking the man from the side - miss. Sweat dripped from his brow. His father's insults hung at the back of his mind, picking at his already crippling determination. Aiming for his mentor's legs - Haise simply jumped over him. Nothing.

He was livid. With each miss, his attacks became more desperate, looking for any sort of contact. Another run and miss. He wanted to cry. A wildly flung punch that missed its target. And another, but nothing stuck.

And he was running out of stamina. Shit.

"Find a pattern."

Shirazu only swung harder, aiming for that asshole's face.

"Find a weak spot."

But the boy ignored the advice.

"Destroy the foundation."

His eyes were hot. That was the best way to explain it. And he couldn't take it. Without out warning, his knees buckled, panting, because what do you know, he can't even fucking land a hit. He had no control over anything. He could have sworn Haise was laughing at him, that or planning to kick Shirazu from the program. Hell, even Mutsuki was doing well.

"Shirazu."

He couldn't look at him, not with his face so hot and his skin crawling. He fucking failed, couldn't do anything right, just like his shitty father said. But that didn't stop Hasie from kneeling down in front of him. "Breathe, and get back up."

Why even bother? He was just going to screw up again.

"Stand up." Sasaki stood, putting out his left hand (as he kept his right behind his back, as if to rub it in Shirazu's face). Of course, Sasaki would have to pick him up because he couldn't do it himself. But in spite of his frustration, Ginshi took his mentor's hand who carefully held the boy's hand, softly bringing him to his feet. His father's grip was never that gentle.

"Try again. Find your opponent's weak spot."

Taking a deep breath, Shirazu studied his opponent. He attacked, but this time watching. Haise was fast, that was for sure. But using only one hand . . . His right side was left open, and his balance would be sightly off.

He could do this.

He came at Sasaki's right which the man expected, and started to move. Just as Haise lift his foot, Shirazu predicted where he would land and sweep kicked just as Haise touched down, but Sasaki only caught himself with his left hand. Shirazu kicked out again.

A fixed pattern. Destroy the foundation.

The same kind of dodges. Ruin his steps. And so the two went at it again, dodging and punching, but this time Shirazu calculated. Shirazu didn't say anything about not using your surroundings to your advantage. He cornered the two-toned man, and with this time thought-out strength and technique, he crossed over his body, aiming not at Sasaki's face, but for his right shoulder. Knocking the man back, he prepared to sweep him off his feet, but Haise thought otherwise. Using the wall, the man kicked off, knocking Shirazu to the ground and still managing to land on his feet.

They kept at it for hours with only the light from the far window to show them the passing hours. Welts would heal over minutes later, and sweat would dry. Things were perfected on the way as well, as Haise would tell him to raise his elbow, bend his knees more, and so forth. What first was a fight, a challenge, became training.

Of course, in the end Shirazu couldn't beat him. At some point, the boy collapsed, and boy did he dread it. A small part of him hoped Sasaki forgot about the little bet. But this was Sasaki Haise he was talking about.

Seeing how Shirazu couldn't stand, Haise grabbed their water bottles before joining him on the floor. Though Sasaki's breath remained even, sweat damped his forehead. He smirked before saying, "I win."

"Y-yah," the boy croaked, then thanking as Haise handed over the water bottle. "I guess it's too late to back out. . . " Shit. He really didn't think it would be this hard just to knock the guy over, especially when Haise could only use one hand. This day sucked more and more, and really, he could cry if his father's words weren't ringing in his ears. He learnt quickly never to give his father the satisfaction of seeing him cry, and instead bit his cheek."I never had a chance, did I?" he asked then immediately regretted it. Of course, he had no chance. Look at him, he got his ass handed to him.

Haise hummed. "Don't worry, you will soon. . . So about that question."

Shit. Nah, he could get through this. It wasn't like his family wasn't in police reports - noise complaints, DUI, assault even. All of it would be on record, and all of it would be in Haise's hands. So really, he should have expected this much earlier. If Shirazu became a liability while out in the field, there's no saying what consequences their may be, as he would put his team or civilians in danger. Sasaki had to know their weaknesses, anything that could set them off . . . "Yes?"

"Hmm . . . Would you ever consider bringing your siblings around the chateau sometime?"

. . . What? "What?"

"You told me you had siblings right? I was thinking about doing a dinner with Arima and Akira and whoever's relatives. I know Saiko wanted to see her brother, and Tooru's foster mother wanted to come by and see what the Quinx program is like. I figured your siblings would like to know what you've been up to. Plus, this place needs some living up."

He still didn't understand. "What?"

And of course, Haise wouldn't call him stupid or run out of patience. Instead, he smiled warmly. "It would be nice to meet your siblings, maybe get to know you guys better." Shirazu didn't miss the man excluding his father.

"Why? You already know about them. You have my file."

And again, Haise smiled. Unlike his father's, it was sincere. "Only what I had to know, like health reports and training. I wanted to get to know you guys, not just read off a paper."

Oh.

"Besides, I doubt the reports would tell me you like motorcycles."

"Ah, it's a new hobby." Shirazu came back to the same thought: funny. Funny how one of the top members of the CCG, a half-ghoul who already gained a Single White Wing Medal and the Golden Osmanthus Medal at the age of twenty-three, who had Arima Kishou on speed dial, would respect his student's space so much that he would go against protocol and not read their files. Funny how Sasaki Haise acted nothing like how Shirazu knew men to be. He wasn't brash or angry, a drunk or cold-hearted ass. But instead, Haise proved everything he knew wrong. Men didn't treat him so kindly or gently. His father never took interest in his hobbies.

* * *

Funny how quickly Sasaki Haise became Sassan and secretly Papan. While Saiko considered Haise like a mother, Shirazu saw him as he wished his own father was. He was strong but gentle, respected yet humble, engaged with his kids in spite of his work load or how probably boring it was to watch Shirazu tighten screws and test the same functions over and over for hours. In spite of how angry Shirazu got (and boy, could he scare people), Sassan never looked at him differently. Never did he turn away from him liked all the other adults in his life - his teachers, his mother, the neighbors, his father, even his friends from school. People abandoned him and his siblings who he began raising himself as soon as they were born.

And then came along Sassan, the man who cooked, filled out paperwork until two in the morning, and trained four screwed up kids, loved them like his own though being only three years older.

They were lucky. For once Shirazu Ginshi was lucky.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Shirazu's a good kid . . . I'll be over here sobbing if you need me.
> 
> Question: Favorite line from the Tokyo Ghoul universe (TG, TG:Re, TG:Jack, one-shots, whatever else)? My personal favorite line is either when Tuskiyama told Kaneki, "I'm not going to protect you by being your shield or armor, but I'll be the dagger hidden below your pillow" or during the torture scene when Kaneki says, "I could hear someone laughing off in the distance - It was me." Like ow, there went my heart.
> 
> I'll hopefully update by the beginning of Christmas break. Please leave a comment/review!


	27. Little High Little Low

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so sorry for my long hiatus. Further info at the bottom.

In spite of telling himself he wouldn't do this, Haise on more than one occasion sat alone at a corner booth in :Re where he filled out paperwork over a freshly brewed cup of coffee. After all, :Re's mornings were much quieter than the chateau's (even if a particular Quinx wouldn't dare be seen up earlier than noon), plus the coffee was good with a nice waiting staff who grinned at his corny jokes no matter how stretched.

It only got worse the closer the disposal of ghoul Number 745, Yotsume. Saiko had confronted him on seeking some of compromise with the Washuus for reasons Haise did not know. Saiko would never say. After an outburst or two, Haise chose to spend more time away as her mood rubbed off on Shirazu and Urie.

He sat in the same place everyday where he could watch the flow of customers trickling in and out, smiling to himself as older couples could sit together without saying anything yet still be happy, holding each other's hand as each reach their newspapers. Mothers would sit with their young one's trying to convince them to eat the greens in their sandwiches before dessert. Haise often had to hold back a laugh when the kids try to bargain. "What if I promise to eat them next?" and "How about mama eats it? Then they're all gone!" were the usual phrases. Having no taste for human food, the half-ghoul could never understand why they didn't simply eat it. Vegetables were a significant food group for a human to stay healthy whereas chocolate was a luxury. Most often the mothers would call over Touka for to-go boxes for the kids' meals.

Did Touka think in the same manner as Haise? He always wondered if ghouls and half-ghouls shared the same level of repulsion for human food. For himself and probably because he forces himself to always be around it, he found most foods smelt well much in the same manner as flowers. It could be appealing without forming some sort of craving to eat it. Was it the same for full-ghouls? Perhaps one day he could ask.

 _No, don't think that way,_ he scolded. There's no way he could mingle with ghouls without causing some suspicion on either end. Even being at :Re without the Quinx made him suspicious. Nonetheless, he enjoyed the moments he had in the small cafe that smelt of used books and a well-loved home. The tables were cozily together unlike the chateau's wide, nearly naked rooms. In :Re he could listen to the lull of laughs and cheerful conversations like he was underwater, muffled but with a known sing-song tune. It simply caressed, proving its presence, and in a place like this Sasaki could pretend to be normal. None knew who he was or his nature, and on occasion a group of students would drag him into conversation to ask him which movies series was better or if a person was right for the casting role. The first time he froze in awe that they would so easily bring him into the conversation, but now he expects Friday mornings. There's no talk of work at the CCG or mocking of his ghoulishness. Instead he could listen to the soft bustling in his morning routine. Each were normal people with normal conversations with the usual jokes and comfortable chit-chat. He always saw two or more sitting together no matter the day.

But one person, a child, tended to sit alone Mondays, Thursdays, and Fridays (yes, Haise was there that often). Like him, they sat at a corner booth out of the way of the bustling people and more often than not bent over a book or paper. Often in these long hours he witnessed :Re's waitress smile warmly, sometimes kneel beside the child, before heading off to the next table. Yomo, the other staff member would sometimes sit with them on his breaks, pulling out a deck of cards that he dealt between them. For some time, for weeks actually, Haise only watched from afar in curiosity.

At every sight of the child, a young girl with auburn hair, there would be a questioning itch at the back of his mind like there was something he forgot to do. Obviously, that feeling happened more often than he liked to think about, but he had hoped that after so long they would become less frequent, especially since he no longer fixated on them. Having no intention to look into his past or to trigger any more of these flashes, he chose to ignore the kid.

"Her father works during the say, so I offered to watch her."

Until one day. After some long pondering whether or not the child was someone he knew, he finally asked Touka as she filled his cup for the third time. That's what led to the conversation between him and Touka during her break. "Doesn't she have school?"

"She's home-schooled. Her father's actually a professor at Kamii."

"A teacher not wanting his kid in public school," Sasaki thought aloud. If it had been anyone but Touka, it would have sounded judging, but after a few awkward phases (one where Touka threatened him out of nowhere before explaining herself) the two accepted the other's unusual means of expression.

"I think she was having a hard time with the other kids." She turned her head and called, "Kayo?" From across the cafe, the girl's head perked up away from his book. At the wave of Touka's hand, the child with book in hand slid from his sit and made his way and stood before the two adults. "Kayo, this is Mr. Sasaki. He's a friend." At that, the child bowed which caused the floral headband in their hair to fall forward out of place. If she had been older, he could have mistaken her for Yots- _Don't think about her,_ he reminded. Yotsume is an enemy ghoul. End of story.

"Call me Haise."

"We were talking about your schooling." Touka told the younger girl. "How's your reading coming along?"

In all the time that Haise spent in :Re he had never heard this little girl speak. "Good" was all she said. It was shy, but she made eye contact with both of them. The demeanor was familiar, as Mutsuki in their first months of meeting each other avoided speaking out.

Haise searched for something to ease her. "What book are you reading?" he prompted. The girl held the cover towards him which he instantly recognized. "Stuart Little. A classic." As she nodded he asked, "What part are you on?"

"Stuart's searching for Margalo and ran in to Harriet."

"Oh, so you're getting close to the end."

She nodded once more then turned to Touka. "Can I have my coloring books now?"

The waitress only rolled her eyes before getting up from the seat. "Of course. She doesn't get her other supplies until she finishes her homework for the day," She explained to Haise. "If you need anything, Haise, feel free to call me over."

* * *

And that was that. For the next week, the investigator watched, noting how little Kayo never eats but drinks water and coffee. Her nose always stuck in a book or journal, Sasaki wondered how her neck never ached like his. It took only a hour or so before Haise would have to take a break. In intervals she would fix her headband that would slide forward. It reminded him of Katsuo who stood out for his childish innocence inside Cochlea. The prisoner known as Yotsume must have once been like this: gentle, curious, a bit of a book-worm. If she hadn't been a ghoul or at least low profile, Yotsume could live so mundanely.

Her execution passed only days ago, and Saiko refused to leave her room, deciding to sneak around the chateau at night for food only for Haise to wake to a mess that was his kitchen. He'd asked Mutsuki to figure out what exactly Saiko was upset for with no such luck. Sasaki was on the outskirts of the city along with academy students and faculty for training exercises and so he only realized the execution occurred after returning to the chateau exhausted and dirty.

Of course, there was little he could do with Saiko until she chose to confront him. Thank god nothing big was going on at the CCG or else Arima would be on his ass to get his "grandchild" to work (and on time).

Thus, Sasaki spent every day at :Re which Touka never questioned nor acted differently, feeling wrong in his own home for reasons he couldn't remember properly. Each morning, Kayo would nod to him and he to her. Both sat at either end of the cafe until the half-ghoul's third cup was empty. Then he left to inform Akira or a Washuu his findings in all the paperwork or head off for training with the Quinx.

It was two weeks after their first greeting that little Kayo took the seat across from him. "I finish the book."

Though mildly startled, Sasaki asked, "Stuart Little?"

She nodded then asked, "How come the Little's adopted Stuart?" It was slow and hesitant, but through some drive she had asked the question.

"Why not?" he asked, then hummed as he remembered his assumptions of her. Little Kayo was a ghoul. "He wanted a family and they wanted to extend their family."

"He stands out in school, at home - everywhere he goes. He's so small and strange looking, and people are mean to him."

He couldn't help but allow himself a small chuckle. "Have you seen my hair, Kayo? I get questions all the time about it, but it's a part of me. Sure, people can be mean, but our differences are what make us _us."_ He recalled at a time when Akira stood with in Arima's home bathroom with a bottle of black dye. He had stared into his reflection for some time before smiling to himself. _I'm sorry, Akira, but I think I'm going to keep it._ "I wouldn't ask to be different." During his words, the girl began playing twirling her own hair on her fingers and her eyes focused somewhere he couldn't see.

"I guess, but then why did he never leave? They weren't going to be nice to him. He had to prove himself by winning the boat race. They wouldn't just love him because he _was_ really different."

Carefully Haise planned his words, leaving a thoughtful pause between her words and his answer. "Would you like to hear a secret?"

Kayo perked up and eyed him in awe.

"You and I aren't so different. You hear your heart, right? And do I have a heart, you think?"

"Well, yes."

"You breathe air, and so do I, correct?" She nodded curiously. "And you think and look to fit in with your friends much like how I try to fit in at work or with my family. Stuart is much the same to you and I as well. It doesn't matter that he's too small compared to his sibling or classmates or that he's a mouse. He wants to be happy and loved. And while it would be easier if he just stayed with people like him such as Margalo or Harriet, the girl his size who he tried to go on a date with, he still plans to go back to his family."

Kayo had placed her head against her hands on the table, still not meeting his eyes. "Sometimes I feel like Harriet. Too small and different. Even if dad loves me and would buy me anything I wanted, the world will still stare as long I'm different. The world is so big and scary. . . It'll never accept me."

He held his breath. Something about this scene - all he could think of was the girl from Cochlea, Yotsume, but a younger Yotsume, one who wore skirts and headbands much like the one in this girl's hair. Yotsume?

A memory flashed for only a second, one of a girl with painted red lips matching the same same red of the meat on the plate before her. But the name Yotsume never rolled off his tongue right, tasting foreign. His heart had seized and a name came to mind before she yelled for him to look away. Hina-

He shivered at the sound of a door slamming. The front, glass door to :Re.

Before him the spitting image of Hinami sat before eyes downcast and hands kept in her lap. Thinking of those eyes in Cochlea, those that lacked the childish innocence he'd once known, he wondered how long the shine in the young ghoul's eyes would last before her eyes too would dull.

With his luck, he would kill her, too.

Hinami. For whatever reason, she joined the fight between human and ghouls, growing up too fast in a world that should have cherished her youth and negligence to the evils found in alleyways and battlefields. Someday, sooner than later Kayo's spirit would break too. And he _would watch from the sidelines just as before apathetically as they dragged her off to her death-_

 _"Big brother."_ However, he remembered, smiling to himself, her words that held no meaning until he remembered where he saw that smile before, the one she would use when asking for help with her reading. Yots- Hinami. Even when facing him, after Sasaki told her he could never be the Kaneki she knew, she had smiled. _"In the way you overthink things like this . . . you're just like my big_ _brother."_ Even though he was the reason for her capture, she thanked him for the books as her time in Cochlea dwindled before her disposal. _"Even now, I don't know what I should do. I think a lot of other people feel the same way. Because . . . everyone loved my big brother._ " To the very end, she believed in him and recalled the person he once was, foolishing hanging on to better days for both of them.

But maybe that's just what they needed.

"The world-" he cleared his throat, "it would love you. The world is slow to change. It's scared of it, but as long as people keep pushing and fighting, one day everyone can be happy and safe no matter where they come from what they look like." Suddenly registering the underlining of her words, she furrowed her brows and looked up at him, searching for a lie. He only smiled. He couldn't blame her for disbelieving him as she had likely assumed him to be human. A friend of Touka's, but still ignorantly human and not a brotherly figure to one of the kindest ghouls he had ever met. "We're not so different, you and I," he repeated from before.

She echoed softly, "No so different."

"Y'know," he started, pointing at the passing waitress, "Touka is one of the kindest, considerate person I know. If you need anything at all, I know she would help you. Okay?"

"Okay."

* * *

After their conversation and Haise paying his bill, he stopped going to :Re. He wondered if Touka had known Hinami whose death came prematurely. Perhaps Hinami once called her friend or even big sister. And yet each day before and after the execution Touka smiled as she brought him his usual on a platter. If he stayed any longer, someone would notice and say something, whether it be the Quinx or an investigator passing by who noticed the half-ghoul had become a little too friendly at a little cafe on the corner. No - for the safety of Touka and Kayo, Sasaki Haise had to stay away.

Eventually he would have to talk to Saiko about the girl who once called him brother. Though he did not know who she was at the time, he wished he could apologize. But for now, he needed to be alone in his thoughts, stuck in the forever existing loop of memories that would never leave him. Her smile never touched by loss, her skin unmarked from the wars to come - it rang like a bell over and over in his head as the realization that a child that once loved him died alone.

They didn't even give her a grave.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next update: ~ 2 weeks
> 
> Thank you so much for everyone who waited through this hiatus. It obviously lasted longer than I thought, but things kept getting in the way. To start off, I did complete the things I initially went the hiatus for. I leftnhigh school with a 3.8/4.0 cumulative GPA receiving Honors and I received two years of free tuition! Thanks to a few scholarships and the fact the school is so close to home, I won't have to pay a dime out of pocket hopefully for the next two years. I actually had planned to post a chapter three weeks ago, but one thing after the other kept getting in the way (warning: don't ever say yes to planning banquets/graduation parties. I'm planned two, discluding my own, and regret all of it).
> 
> Now to Amnesiac: those on AO3 probably saw that I put a marker for when the last chapter would be. I will be taking that off and continuing to update until I run out of steam. Also, I want to explain that because TG:Re has developed so much away from what it initially presented, Amnesiac at this point is an AU, a "what if" story to Kaneki slowing gaining his memories (and of course, a living, smiling Shirazu). Though I do include information from recent updates, keep in mind that at this point that Amnesiac is its own thing.
> 
> Please leave comment/review!


	28. Like Mother Like Son Part 1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Note: I'm sorry for my absence. More at the end of the chapter. Until then, please enjoy.
> 
> Also, check out my other work "Forget For Me" on my profile!

The chateau held a tense atmosphere for weeks. The kitchen and living room would only hold one or two members at a time which often led to awkward greetings and farewells between the different occupants. It reminded Sasaki back when he lived under Arima's roof when he avoided confrontation with the homeowner and would leave quickly as soon as conversation lulled. His hands used to shake no matter how hard he tried and his lip quiver in fear of what insulting the Reaper would mean for him. Of course, none expected him, a ghoul and a child of sorts from his retrograde amnesia, to last long beneath Arima's care. Some even placed bets that either the ghoul would break down from the stress or go into a frenzy from being so close to human flesh leading to the Shinigami having to put him down once and for all.

But in spite of people's cruel expectations, Sasaki Haise lasted longer than any had ever thought. That didn't mean he never broke down, but the half-ghoul proved himself capable to filter stress into productive actions like completing his studies for the academy and training. The Shinigami had taught him well.

Of course, one's will alone burns only for so long until a gust of wind blows it out. Like clockwork, the inevitable crash would threaten to break anything and everything in its path until someone closed the lid. Soon would come the next crash. No matter how well one recognizes the signs, no matter how many predict the crash, nothing is done about it until too late.

It could have different this time, and yet the cycle progressed in sharp words and a tingling hand.

It's not as though she was extensively cruel or difficult. In fact, she tried to fix things as he should have, but it was a bad day lined behind a consecutive of bad days. So when he snapped and his hands shook, he expected her to break along with the other Quinx. And yet, Saiko never even hiccuped or let her breath hitch despite the tears that tracked down her cheeks.

* * *

"You doing okay, Sasaki?"

"Fine, Mutsuki," he would mutter behind his numerous files, sifting through papers and eyes scanning but in truth reading nothing. "Did you bring the evidence I asked for?"

His student placed the said box on the desk the mentor occupied. "I wanted to talk to you," he admitted while fidgeting with the patch over his eye. "Something I've been wondering about."

"Oh?" He cleared his throat for what felt like the hundredth time that time. Perhaps he was getting a cold. Do ghouls actually get sick besides fatigue? "What about?"

":Re," he said, but it was enough to create panic in his mentor's eyes. Haise looked about the office for witnesses in the office only for it to be empty. The only people in the office in the early afternoon were the two of them. The rest had gone out already to their field assignments or were in meetings. Nonetheless, Tooru kept his voice down as he added, "Nothing big or changing. I was just wondering if maybe - I don't know - something should be said."

His heart seized at the boy's words. No one could know about :Re, not if he wanted Touka and the others to be safe. Not unless he wanted them to end up like Hina- "Why? What for?"

There was a pregnant pause as Mutsuki formed his words. "An alliance. An understanding. I mean - and you can stop me if I'm intruding, but they know more about you and some of the things you've been. . . been seeing. Experiencing."

"It's fine. Move the box over there."

"I'm just worried that it might become too much, y'know? Not that I don't believe you capable - I just can't imagine the strain that comes with it."

Haise couldn't help but snort. "Sounds like you're describing a scenario involving a shrink and group therapy."

Eyes bulging, Tooru waved his hands in front of him in surrender. "No! No, of course not. I just know you have good days and bad ones. And it can be hard talking with coworkers or your students about it.. Arima and Mado don't seem like very open people, so . . ."

Sasaki cleared his throat. "I get what you're saying, but I'm fine. Honest."

"Sasaki."

"I'm not involving :Re anymore for their own safety. You understand that, right?"

"Yes, but Touka-"

"Touka's lost enough people without us making her a prime target. Just interacting with her puts her on the doves' radar."

"Doves?"

He bit his tongue. "It's slang for investigators."

"Okay, but you need to think about yourself, too. You were there almost every day because it made you happy." He wrung his hands anxiously. "And now you're not, and you seem tense, and I know Saiko isn't helping. And Shirazu says everything but the right thing a lot, but I want to help-"

"Enough," he snapped. They locked eyes for several moments, Mustuki shocked and Sasaki defiant. Finally, Tooru looked away. Sasaki sighed. "Have you spoken to Saiko?"

"Yes." He didn't look up from his fidgeting hands. "She's still angry. I don't know exactly why, but at least she's talking to me."

"Any ideas?"

Mustuki seemed to contemplate on telling him before speaking. "Someone named Yotsume? Maybe? She didn't mean to say the name around me, but it has something to do with her probably."

 _A lot more than you think,_ he thought. "Thank you for being honest."

He nodded. "I'm sorry for bringing up :Re."

With that, Haise returned to his work while Mutsuki excused himself. Just a few more hours of sifting through and he'd be out of there. Then he could take off his pinching shoes and too tight of tie. Maybe order take out. Yet the more he fantasized, the more he realized the task still left between him and his bed. It was a Wednesday, so Katsuo would be expecting him. His investigator uniform needed pressed and his shoes cleaned. He groaned and let his head fall to the desk. Relaxing would have to wait.

* * *

"Good evening, Sasaki," the voice trembled out.

"I'm fine with just Haise, you know." The investigator solemnly smiled to Katsuo before trying to hand his coat only for . . . he noticed the coat rack was gone. Another item gone. Each week, Haise had noticed, more and more items disappeared from the small home - cell, prison cell, he could never forget with the guards always checking him for weapons. Katsuo was too young to be treated like this. First went anything stimulating beside books and now the furniture. "When's the last time you ate?"

Katsuo still stood in the same spot with his hands to his side and eyes on the floor. "I don't know. But I'm hungry." A memory flashed briefly of a little brunette scraping her plate clean in a room he knew had to be from Anteiku. She stared at him in confusion with her kakugan out before Haise shook the memory away. It hurt to think about.

He wondered if hunger for child ghouls was the same for adults. Did they become aggressive? Havoc wreaking? Or perhaps it was much like a human child, where self-helplessness took over and they merely sat wasting away. There was nothing he could do about the lack of feeding. He already tried - thrice - and no one listened. The past few weeks Sasaki would sneak in his own rations and leave them out of the cameras' sights. But they even cut down the half-ghouls feedings for reasons he didn't know. All confrontations only ended in more anger.

"Hey," Sasaki went to kneel in front of the him but the boy flinched. It's not the first time in the past weeks. "I'm sorry this is happening." From beneath his arm he pulled out a book. "I brought you another book. And I'm going to talk with the guards about giving back your stuff and getting your some games again, okay?" He kept his voice low and even. "Please look at me. You're not in trouble." Finally, Katsuo looked at him. "Did they hurt you?" Carefully, slowly, raising his hand, Haise brushed the bangs out of the boy's hair. Sasaki should look into getting the child a haircut. But at least his clothes were clean.

The boy bit his lip and went back to look at the floor. He didn't give a response. If the half-ghoul closed his eyes, he could imagine Hinami doing the same when she was young, always adjusting her headband and too nervous to keep eye contact with strangers.

"Why are you sad?"

Again, silence.

"Do you want to go through you're workbook? We don't have to do math today if you don't want to."

"Don't leave." It wasn't the first time Haise had seen the boy cry, but the crack in his voice and the fear in his eyes never became easier. If anything it became harder to watch.

Despite the camera in the room watching and listening at all times, Haise gave in to his emotions here. Careful not to scare him, the man pulled the child into an embrace who then began to crying in his shirt. Pulling the child into his arms, he lifted Katsuo off the floor and moved to the couch. The coffee table was gone and so were the lamps. Only the strung up lights that hung from the ceiling lit the room.

For hours, it felt to them, they sat without saying a word to the other. The only noise came from the boy's muffled sobs.

It was one in the morning when Sasaki checked his watch, and Katsuo fell asleep against some few minutes before. His arm fell asleep pinched between Katsuo and couch, but Haise was able to lift Katsuo without waking him and walked him to the bed in a separate room. They'd taken the bed frame, leaving the mattress on the floor which Sasaki carefully knelt on before laying the boy to bed. Covers were pulled up to the boy's chin and tucked at his sides. He was running out of time, though he stood in the doorway until a guard opened the cell door for him, calling his name. And just like that, Sasaki walked free while the boy slept alone once more.

"I'm sorry."

His throat throbbed.

* * *

Shortly after discovering the truth of Yot- Hinami came the next assignment: a group of ghouls spotted in the area and others seen fleeing to the location before being lost. As Saiko hadn't left her room, even giving Mutsuki a message from her simply stating Haise wasn't forgiven, and Mutsuki training with Suzuya, only Urie and Shirazu joined for scouting the district. All was simple as they falsely window-shopped and chatted with employees, occasionally peering into alleyways.

They spent most of the scouting in silence, only piping up and joking when confront by employees and street vendors.

"The alleys lead to dead ends. They'd be locked in unless they could scale fifty feet or had a key to one of the shops," Urie concluded before taking a seat at a picnic bench across from the shops. "Chances are they's using the sewer line, too."

Shirazu noisily sucked from his slurpie, taking a seat too close for Urie's liking, and adding in his two cents. "They're only Class B's probably. They're not gonna be problem if we form a plan."

"Ah, and you have a plan," Urie said dryly.

"Screw off."

"Knock it off, you two." Honestly, Haise wouldn't mind walking off without them as cruel as it sound. It'd teach them to how to get along in order to get home. "Let's take a break. Grab any food you want and meet back here." None spared a second before dispersing. Haise continued sitting and pulled out his phone. Missed call from Akira and a text asking why one of his students is asking for files on an executed ghoul. Saiko.

Dialing Akira's number, he pinched the bridge of his nose, swallowing on a scratchy throat. She picked on the first ring. "Mado."

"Akira."

"Explain."

He bit his lip. "I'm sorry for her behavior. She's been acting odd the past few days, so, I'm sor-"

"And the truth? Also it wasn't Saiko. It was Tooru. He asked for the files and evidence bins without a signed note from you."

"They- I looked the other day, at the Cochlea visiting list, I mean. Apparently, Saiko and met with H-prisoner number 745."The words felt wrong on his on his tongue, like needles. "Yotsume. I think it's hitting her that the CCG can't keep ghouls forever." The half truth rolled off his lips with unnerving ease. He understood that Cochlea only held so many cells and the slowly approved plans to build more space simply cannot keep up. Then again, that didn't sooth the thought of a lethal injection simply because that ghoul didn't have anymore information to give. God only knows how Donato never fails to surprise even the Washuu family with his continuous neatly woven intel behind riddles and ambiguous word choice. He of all ghouls deserved death and yet he's held on the longest.

"We'll talk more later," Akira noted before hanging up on him. God, why him? he thought just as Shirazu sat across from him at the picnic bench with burgers and fries.

"Who was that," the boy asked, however, his thoughts were obviously on the four burgers he bought which he quickly unwrapped. He wrestled with a packet a ketchup, trying to open it and even resorting to his teeth.

Haise could only watch as the little packet squirted across the table and his jacket sleeves. Not a single drop reached is burger. "Just Akira asking about a report." Swiftly the investigator opened a packet unlike a heathen and switched out the the abused packet from Shirazu's hand. The smiled gratefully before smothering his burger. "Did you hear anything while in there?"

"Nope," Shirazu said smirking. "But the cashier asked if I wanted to go get lunch sometime." From his pocket he pulled out a crumbled receipt with ten digit written in pen on the back and a name. Sankou. "We should come down here more often."

Sasaki could only roll his eyes.

"Five bucks says Urie ditched us. Bastard's been more snappy all week. Think he caught whatever Saiko has." Haise nearly flinched but held his tongue. Things were quiet for a few minutes. Sasaki checked his phone on and off, debating on calling Mustuki or simply confronting him later. Or maybe Saiko.

He really didn't want the door slammed on his face again.

"Say, could I ask you something?"

"Sure."

"Do you know if I said something to piss off Saiko? I mean, she's fine with Tooru and Kuki, even letting Kuki go in her room. But she won't look me in the eye and snapped at me when I pointed it out."

Sasaki held back a snort. "No, you're probably fine." Except for not realizing she was hurting. Just like Haise. "She just needs time." He had plenty of time to ponder on Saiko's reaction and his lack of. Both owed the other an apology.

"Hey do you think you can pull some strings?"

Internally groaning, Haise asked, "What? No car. No raise. No playing wing-man."

"You're no fun. But I was actually gonna ask if we could pull Katsuo out of Cochlea for a day or somethin'."

This isn't the first time Shirazu has had interest in Katsuo - not that he actually visited - but never asking for something so big.

"I've been thinking about my siblings a lot, especially Haru. Haru's a little older, but hers and Katsuo's predicaments aren't so different. I mean, I wouldn't want to be shut in a room all day. I was thinking we could do a fun day for him."

"You could always just visit."

"Yah, well, I don't really like being at the detention center."

 _Neither do I,_ Sasaki thought. _And I'm there at least once a week._

"Besides, some fresh air would do him some good."

"And you know why that's impossible, right?"

"Why? He's too young to hurt anyone, and he's a part of the CCG now-"

"No, Ginshi, he really isn't." Haise couldn't help but roll his eyes. It wasn't right for him to, he knew. Shirazu was showing that he cared, and yet a thought lingered. "You never visited him. What's with the sudden guilt?" he questioned.

As if slapped, Shirazu sat back. "It's not-"

"You see, I've been with him for every holiday." He droned on with his words, seething. "I've given up my weekends, stepped in after work so I don't get home until nine or later on Wednesdays. He has no role models except for me, maybe Mutsuki who hardly goes, and the prison guards, who are likely hurting him. And where have you been?" He spat the final sentence, letting it linger.

Initially, Ginshi looked piss at the accusation, but quickly recovered. "Sassan, this isn't like-"

"He has no one who's going respect his childhood." The half-ghoul continued. "They're teaching him the basics and the same material at the CCG academies without the morality portions. They're teaching to hunt down his own kind, where their weak spots are, what to say to get ghouls to trust him before calling in doves to take them out." At this point, his fist were clenched beneath the table, but he kept eyes on Shirazu. He didn't even care if his kakugan was out. "They're making a weapon, a child soldier. And you can't tell me you didn't know this at the beginning on the day the Washuu's all shared the same look when I argued for Katsuo's life."

There was desperation in the boy's voice as he pleaded, "Stop, Sasaki."

"Have you seen a child starve?" He trembled in his seat and his throat constricted painfully. "That's how they correct behavior - along with taking away water rations and mental stimulation, so throwing him in a box just like the other ghouls twice - three times - his age. He doesn't get to come out of the box until he jumps the right height every time. And when he doesn't? They'll punish him."

"Stop." He went to grab his mentors hands, but the half-ghoul retracted.

"He's a child of war. A child of genocide who will take part in bringing down his own race. He will pay for being born to a certain race, you get that? He's not a part of the CCG as a member, but as a tool. And it's all my-"

Before he could say anymore, a hand dragged Shirazu out of his seat by his coat, lifting him to his feet. Breaking from his stare, the half-ghoul noticed Urie shoving Shriazu away from the table. "Wait for a cab," he commanded flatly and giving one final push. Despite Shirazu's protest, Urie already turned his focus to his mentor who was seething. "I didn't hear everything, but you need to cool off. You're juggling too many things and it's effecting you. I'll get him home. Do what you need to do."

"Urie," Sasaki called out breathing heavily, but the young man didn't listen and instead left in the same direction as Shirazu.

And just like that, the ghoul was alone in a populated area with eyes watching from afar from his rather loud conversation. Despite his anger, Sasaki had kept his voice surprisingly low with much restraint. Fatigue washed over him and his shoulders sagged as he rubbed his face. Touching over his eyes, he sighed in relief to find his kakugan never formed. He swallowed through a scratchy throat wishing the pulsing behind his Adam's apple would stop. _Stupid, stupid, stupid._ He shouldn't have said those things. Shirazu had enough to worry about with his sister in the hospital and believed to be getting worse. He dealt with enough as squad leader and dealing with Saiko, seeing her behavior as his responsibility.

_Pot, meet Kettle._

He really missed Touka. It was stupid, but she always made him feel at ease, like the little stresses didn't mean anything, and his nervousness never bothered her.

He could walk there. :Re was only a few city blocks down-

 _Stop. Not again._ No, he promised himself not to get Touka involved. Despite how raw his throat felt, he took the long, scenic walk back to the chateau, thinking of all the stupid things he's done the past week and all the things he still needs to do.

Perhaps talking to Saiko should be on the list.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for my absence. I went on vacation to San Francisco then started a new job the day we got back and quite honestly am still majorly behind on sleep. It was a lot of fun despite, and we took a boat underneath the Golden Gate Bridge, visited Alcatraz, a couple of museums too, and discovered that Bubba Gump is pretty good is the cutest restaurant (oh, and In-N-Out is gross). Things should finally calm down, and I'll get this finally finished.
> 
> The next chapter should take around two weeks again simply because I'm trying balance my schedule. Thank you for your continuous support!
> 
> Question: Who is your most despised character from Tokyo Ghoul and why?
> 
> Please leave a comment/review!


	29. Conclusion

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In spite of how much time has passed, I’m always surprised to see this fic is still receiving likes, favorites, and is being subscribed/followed. On occasion I see comments that make me smile and remember why I enjoyed Tokyo Ghoul.
> 
>  
> 
> While I don’t follow Tokyo Ghoul anymore (except to read major spoilers), I wanted to satisfy the people who wanted an end to this bizarre story. It is not fully written, simply bullet points of what I had intended. Keep in mind, this story is over a year old, my outline document has long since been deleted, and I’m not in the fandom really anymore.
> 
> Here is what I had planned to fulfill this one-shot series.

 

 

**_Like Mother Like Son Part 2_ **

 

Basically kaneki begins to become really stressed. At Sailko's request any of Hinami’s belongings are to go to her and a guard leaves it with the quinx leader sasaki to give to her. He sees it on his desk and gives in and opens it. At the top is a letter to saiko saying not to judge her maman for he doesn't know how he should feel. It's like hearing your biological parent that you never met had died. It should hurt, the idea that you should be upset is there but the closeness is still missing. He will mourn in time. There's also a copy of dear Kafka or metamorphosis and Saiko's handheld. There's also her mask that has etched on the inside the date of Anteiku's fire and "Dont forget". (Saiko knows it's referencing for her to never forget that she joined aogiri to someday bring her family back together. Haise assumes she blamed him for not stopping it and tearing her family apart) Sasaki debates burning everything right then and there.

 

  
Saiko and mutsuki talk about Hinami and Haise. Saiko reminisce how she taught Hinami to play a few of her games. She admits to mutsuki that hinami praised kaneki as this amazing gentle person and yet he didn't bother to see Hinami. She feels he didn't care.

  
Meanwhile Urie and Shizu actually agree to work together to bring Saiko and Haise together to talk.    
  
Haise’s headache is horrible and he feels like he could throw up or eat a horse or punch something. He had planned to work out until Shirazu stops him. In the end, there plan leads to Saiko barbing Haise, and says that he was the reason his first family fell apart and this one was too. Without even realizing it he slaps her with everyone around them. Panicking, afraid of what he had done and assuming himself a danger, he locks himself in his room’s bathroom.

 

He’s tired, he’s stressed, fearing for the future and the past he can’t remember and the parts that have come back to haunt him. And he’s hungry.   
  
As Mutsuki and Urie argue over what happened and Saiko trying not to cry, Shirazu tries to bust down Haises door. Eventually he gets through the door and grabs Haise yelling. Haise can't help but lash out and he accidentally cuts Shirazu’s arm. Haise then breaks down begging shizu not to call anyone, he can't go to cochlea.    
  
  
Things happen. Haise is plagued by thoughts of what could have been. He could have been happy with Hinami in Anteiku. Perhaps if he had been better, stronger, he could have saved his Anteiku family. But none of the memories are there. He doesn’t know what to feel.

 

Urie comes into the bathroom and forcefully removes shirazu. They sit and talk. Urie talks about his own family and how he doesn't remember his mother and his father died when he was young but he weirdly still loved them and the hurt doesn't go away just cuz you don't remember all the memories. The loss of familiarity is cold but it's our choice to respect them and live for them and so forth.    
  
  
Apologies are made and they do a proper memorial for Hinami. Haise gives Saiko all of Hinami’s things. And they play some of the games saiko was allowed to give to her in cochlea.

 

(Later, when the CCG starts to fall, Saiko wears Hinami’s mask)

 

**_Touka Arc_ **

 

When they run into Touka in public, haise tries to avoid her but she asks him out for coffee. He agrees and the meet up and talk about the ghoul child in custody and how she finds it so odd that they would give such verdict for a ghoul. He explains that he was the one to suggest it and Touka ask if its better to be dead or a caged animal. It's dark and surprising. He can’t help but think of his own situation: a ghoul in bird cage (doves=CCG agents).

 

She suggest bringing some high quality :re coffee to him and the date goes on. Eventually Haise slips, saying something like "you always loved beating up bullies" and Touka calls him out on it. However, when she addresses that he remembers, and she knows that he is a ghoul, and he knows she is too, she asks why he never turned her in. he admits he cannot watch his family die. She can’t help but scoff bringing up Hinami.

 

They had finished their walk back to :re. After some thought he admits everything. He admits how afraid he was for Hinami, how angry he was that doing anything, saying anything, could lead to him being seen as unfit to work for the CCG. He was afraid what that would mean for the Quinx if they locked him up in Cochlea. Would they be little soldiers like Katsuo would be? Unaware of the other side of the war and the pain they are causing? Or perhaps the CCG would scrap the project and “tie up loose ends.”  He didn't think he would make it in Cochlea again either. He wouldn’t leave again, not unless it was in a body bag. He was scared that if he visited Hinami he wouldn't have been able to stop himself from doing something rash.

 

In his vulnerability Touka tries to calm him and says that while she doesn't fight these days, she can help him disappear. "We can start over again. It can be just us, if you want. Of all people, Shuu became a mess when you left." He declines her and says he can't talk to her anymore. For her safety, for the safety of ghouls who will come to :Re, a safe haven. To protect those that were left of his family, Doves can't keep coming in to :Re. He can't raise suspicion. So for once and for all he apologizes and lets her go. He leaves a kiss on her forhead before saying, "Tell Yomo I'm sorry, too. But please, let me do this for you two."

 

**_Conclusion_ **

I had planned for a simple holiday dinner (I think I left off alluding that Christmas was coming up?), everyone joking and laughing again. Haise gets lost in the moment as Saiko sneaks an ice cube down Shirazu's shirt. Shirazu tries to throw pudding at her but hits Urie. He shakes a can of soda and opens it on shirazu's face who dodges and hits Mutsuki. The whole room stops breathing. "That's it!" food fight ensures. In the end, Haise is happy with the family he has now, accepts the familiarity they bring. Perhaps at one time he sat like this with the gang of Anteiku. But now he's here  and he can cherish this now. And this time he plans not to forget.

 

**_Further thoughts that I knew I would likely never get to._ **

I wanted an arc specific to Haise’s fear of becoming abusive like his mother. This was meant to be expressed more in “Like Mother Like Son” but it ended up getting pushed aside.

Akira eventually becomes aware that Touka exist as someone from his past. However, for the safety of the Quinx and Sasaki, as well as what he may do, she keeps quiet, especially when Haise completely stops going to :Re.

Katsuo has a warped thought process similar to Juuzo thanks to the lack of interaction with the real world. He’s not as bad as Juuzo, but he doesn’t always understand why people get upset at certain things, like death. However, he reads anything and everything Haise gives him (and the comic books Shirazu sneaks in). This would lead to Haise questioning his own thinking. As a caged animal himself, perhaps, he wonders, this was why he had never thought of running away for so long.

The CCG would eventually begin to fall from the attacks by Aogiri. This creates the opportunity for the Quinx Squad, who decided they wanted to be more than soldiers, the courage to fight back. They provide intel to Ghoul groups, sneak out targets, and begin their goal to harmony between humans and ghouls as one of the few half-ghouls to know both sides. In the meantime, Haise begins his search for answers to Hide.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Lastly, I want to say thank you for all those that had supported me up to here! I’m doing new projects that I truly enjoy. With the way Tokyo Ghoul has been going so far (or from the spoilers I occasionally see), maybe one day I’ll come back to the fandom and write more. But until then, thank you!
> 
> (I do also wish to edit this series. Perhaps during the holidays)


End file.
